How Parents Can Help Their Kids ‘Do It’ When They Say ‘I Can’t’

Do you often hear your preschooler say “I can’t do it,” when faced with a task? Whether it’s a school activity or tying their shoes, hearing these words can be challenging for both parents and educators–because how do we teach them to persevere and not get frustrated by things they “cannot do?”

Parenting expert Janet Lansbury offers her insights on how parents can foster resilience and self-confidence in their children despite them thinking they can’t.

Understanding the “I can’t do it” thinking

Oftentimes, a child says “I can’t do it,” whenever they’re frustrated and doubt their own abilities. According to Lansbury, “Children most commonly adopt an ‘I can’t’ attitude because they have routinely feel pressured to perform beyond their ability and/or counter to their own interests.” It can stem from several factors, including comparing them with their siblings or peers, their fear of failure, or even perfectionism. Children, like us adults, can feel overwhelmed in the face of challenges which can evoke strong emotional responses. According to Lansbury, it is important for parents to acknowledge these emotions rather than dismiss or solve them immediately.

In our country where academic excellence and social conformity are often emphasized, children could feel additional pressures. Many Filipino parents are oftentimes involved with their children’s education, sometimes unknowingly placing a heavy focus on results rather than the learning process. This can lead kids feeling inadequate if they don’t meet expectations, which can then contribute to a fear of failure.

So how can parents help their children? Here are a few tips:

How to help children who “can’t do it”

Validate their feelings

One of Lansbury’s core suggestions is to validate children’s feelings. When they express their frustration, don’t jump in with reassurances like “You can do it!” or “It’s not that hard.” First, acknowledge their feelings. You can say, “It seems really hard, right?” or “I can see that you’re getting frustrated.” Let him know that his feelings are valid–doing so can also help children better process their feelings and not see common struggles as personal failings.

This means, don’t brush off your child’s complaints with typical responses such as “Kaya mo yan!” or “Ang dali-dali lang niyan!” Instead, acknowledge the task’s difficulty and assure your child that you understand him, empowering him to try again.

Shift the focus to the process

Lanbury emphasized that parents should always focus on the process, rather than the outcome, which is key to helping children build persistence. Many Filipino parents typically place importance on winning or successfully finishing tasks. As Lansbury said, “Our [parents] focus on results can influence them and create pressure.” And while well-intentioned, this can lead to children feeling pressured to meet certain standards, rather than learning or enjoying the learning experience itself.

Instead, Filipino parents can shift the focus by praising their child’s efforts instead of the outcome. So instead of saying, “You’re the best in class!” You can instead say, “I’m proud of how much time you spent studying,” or “I appreciate how much effort you dedicated to that project.” Doing so will teach your child to value effort and persistence over the end result. This also allows them to develop a growth mindset, which can boost their resilience–as it teaches them that skills and abilities can improve with effort.

This means that instead of encouraging kids to excel in school or extracurricular activities, parents should instead focus on the hard work and effort spent on preparing for an exam or performance, no matter what the outcome might be.

Trust the learning process

Parents can also help their children overcome frustration by trusting their natural ability to learn and figure things out on their own. Lansbury explained, “Children get the message that they ‘can’t’, when we do for them before giving them the opportunity to do it themselves. Instead, she encourages parents to resist the temptation to solve problems for their children or step in too quickly. Instead, she advises offering minimal support and trusting that children, given time and space, will find their way through difficulties.

Many Filipino parents often take a hands-on approach in guiding their children, whether it's helping with homework, choosing extracurricular activities, or managing social situations. Any chat composed of parents of school-aged children will show that parents are very involved in their children’s lives. And while this is a sign of care and concern, parents should also remember that it’s important to recognize possible learning opportunities for their children to solve problems independently.

Trusting the child’s learning process means allowing them to struggle a bit and offering support without taking over. So the next time when your child says, “I can’t do it,” rather than jumping in to do it for them, ask them, “What do you need to do it?” This encouragement and support allows children to think critically and take ownership of their tasks.

Avoid comparisons

Filipino families are typically large and close-knit, allowing for sibling or even cousin comparisons. This could unintentionally lead to additional pressure for the kids to measure up to their siblings or cousins, especially in academic or extra curricular achievements. Lansbury also advises against these comparisons, as it can undermine a child’s self-confidence and fuel feelings of inadequacy.

Instead of comparing, parents can help each child find their unique strengths. Encouraging activities where children can excel–whether it’s a hobby, sport, or skill–can allow them to build confidence in their own abilities. Moreover, celebrating each child’s personal milestones, can further reinforce their individual worth and self esteem.

Model resilience and patience

As we’ve always said, children learn by observing their parents and modeling them, so they also see how we handle personal challenges. So if we react to difficulties with patience and resilience, our children are more likely to adopt similar attitudes.

We can model good behavior to our kids when we encounter a setback or problem at home, we can verbalize our process of dealing with the problem and say, “This is hard, but I’ll take a break and try again.” Doing this shows kids that challenges are a normal part of life and that persistence is a valuable skill.

Moreover, parents can model resilience in everyday situations when they juggle multiple responsibilities. By showing how we handle stress–whether over finances, family or career conflicts, or pursuing goals–we can instill to our children the values of patience and perseverance.

Provide opportunities for growth

Finally, aside from additional support, children need practical opportunities to build confidence. Parents can do this when we introduce our kids to new activities, or when we challenge them to do a task at a manageable level–both of which can help them overcome the “I can’t do it” mentality. By allowing children to engage in activities where they can see gradual improvement allows them to develop a sense of accomplishment.

Read here to learn how you can teach your child to think “I can do better.”