What Parents Need To Know About Child On Child Sexual Abuse According To An Expert

Smart Parenting Guide on Sex Education seeks to empower parents in raising informed tweens and teens who understand their body and their rights with the goal of protecting them from all kinds of sexual abuse. Smart Parenting resident sex education expert, Dr. Rica Cruz is a US-board certified sexologist, a sex and relationships therapist. She is also a member of the Smart Parenting Board of Experts. Together with tween daughter Caia Miella, Dr. Rica, navigates the realities of sex in the eyes of today's teens and tweens and aims to foster honest and healthy conversations between parent and child. 

Editor's Note: If your child has been involved in child on child sexual abuse, please seek professional help.

Dr. Rica Cruz: Child sexual abuse is always difficult to talk about but we need to also face the fact that children are not always the victims, sometimes they can be the perpetrators of the crime as well. Yes, child on child sexual abuse (COCSA) occurs and is a reality that needs to be addressed.

Data from the US show that a third of sexual offenses are committed by pubescent boys, usually between the ages of 12 and 15, and involve close relationships and opportunity. This means that it is more likely to occur between siblings, family members, or close friends.

It is difficult to say if these numbers reflect the severity of the situation in the Philippines as these cases are often under-reported or not reported at all. However, we can use their learnings to shape up a safe and healthy environment for our children. 

COCSA can happen with children of any age, but incidents tend to increase as children enter puberty and adolescence. More than half of the cases occur within the home while around 12% of cases occur within schools. Separating children into gender-exclusive schools doesn’t solve the issue and isn’t more likely to protect them. What has been proven to help is sex education.

Studies show that there is a great decline in sexually abusive incidents in the later teen years after they have learned about boundaries and healthy sexual behavior. There is no reason to delay sex education to the later teen years when we can emphasize the values of consent and respecting boundaries as soon as our children learn to speak. 

'Do not punish children through corporal punishment. Beating them up is not the solution to this.' -Dr. Rica Cruz on what to do if your child is involved in child on child sexual abuse

According to the Journal of Child Maltreatment, children and teens who commit sexual offenses are not necessarily motivated by sexual interest in younger children. They may just be re-enacting their own sexual abuse, or acting out of curiosity without understanding the law or consequences of their actions. Thus, it is important that as parents, we provide them with accurate information and guidance even on these topics.

As uncomfortable as it could be, parents need to be the ones to explain to them that these things happen, and how it’s a violation of respect for themselves and others.

What if my child is involved in child on child sexual abuse?

But what should you do if you find out that your child is involved in COCSA?

- Do not punish involved child with corporal punishment.

First off, do not punish them through corporal punishment. Beating them up is not the solution to this. This will only instill anger and fear unto them without learning about respect. Hence, it is highly likely that they will repeat the act when they get older. Children who behave would need professional intervention and close supervision. 

- Consider factors such as age or maturity when differentiating abuse from curiousity.

How can you as parents differentiate between curiosity or harmful intent? Look at the motivation behind the action. 

Curiosity surrounding sex, or sexual exploration is normal when it happens between children of a similar size, age, and developmental level and kids engage in the behavior voluntarily. The difference between sexual curiosity and COCSA is the lack of an agenda when engaging in certain acts. 

A young girl who sees and wants to touch the penis of her baby brother when she sees it may be showing normal curiosity. It may be her first time seeing a penis and she may be wondering what it is, why she doesn’t have one, and what it feels like.

Alternatively, a young boy may wonder why his younger sister doesn’t have a penis. Preschool-age children who take down their pants to look at each other's genitals are also probably just curious about the contrasts in their bodies. This curiosity is usually sated with proper explanation from an adult about the differences in male and female anatomy. 

RELATED: Your Child Curious About Her Friend's Body Parts? Experts Assure It's Not Sexual

- If behavior persists, consider that the child might have been exposed to adult sexual behavior or pornography.

But if children persist in this behavior, try to touch each other or themselves too often, and seem uninterested in other forms of play, you should consider the possibility that one of them might have been exposed to adult sexual behaviour or pornography and are acting out what they have seen or experienced.

- A preschooler involved in COCSA is different from a tween or teen.

On the other hand, tweens or teens who show interest in prepubescent children or other tweens are exhibiting behaviors that are cause for concern. They are no longer at the age where they need to satisfy their curiosity about the body. They should already know the differences.

For example, forcing much younger kids to play house or doctor already signals an abuse of power in that relationship dynamic and puts the younger kids in a vulnerable position. Or cousins who insist on touching another cousin’s genitals and telling them not to tell their parents.

'Parents musn't just protect our child from sexual abuse, but also find ways to prevent them from perpretating abuse against others.' -Dr. Rica Cruz

As parents, it is important to look for ways to not only protect your child from sexual abuse, but also find ways to prevent them from perpetrating abuse against others. Emphasize the values of respect and consent before kids reach puberty so that they will have a better grip on handling their hormones and urges.

Remember, if they do something that violates other people, it is on us as their parents, and not on them. They are our responsibility.

Parents must teach children boundaries and consent 

Caia: This is a heavy topic. Children sometimes take advantage of each other without knowing it. Though some of them may not be innocent at all. These behaviors can come from their backgrounds and how they are parented.

Some children act out what they see in movies or the internet, thinking that it’s okay. Even if it’s done through “play”, I don’t think that children know that it can scar them for life. I think it’s important for the parents to tell their children that these behaviors are wrong. Parents should be able to teach their children boundaries when it comes to their own bodies and other children’s bodies.

For professional help, visit Better Steps Psychology.