Dear Daughter, I Hope You Grow Up To Be Resilient And Kind

When I was a young girl, I learned from my mother what later on I would read from Sun Tzu’s The Art of War, “Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.”

In moments of struggle, she encouraged me to remain calm on the surface but keep paddling and hustling underneath while in moments of advantage, remain a mystery, so when the right time comes, I am my biggest revelation.

She would always tell me that my abilities are not defined by being a girl so if I need to pick up that hammer to complete a job then so be it; if I need to lift heavy things then don’t hesitate, do it. If I was unsure whether I was capable or not of doing something, she’d tell me, “Yes, you can do it, not until you’ve proven you can’t, so go figure it out.”

She made it clear to me that I am no damsel in distress waiting to be rescued and saved. 

Now that I have a daughter, how do I raise her to be strong, resilient, and empowered? How do I make sure that she’s all the hero she needs—that knowing who she truly is and loving herself despite her imperfections are all that matters?

Clueless parenting

Most of us think we have figured out what parenting is all about—we have thousands of books, write-ups, videos, and social media content explaining and teaching how to make this parenting journey the best route we’ll ever take for ourselves and our kids: a path to breaking generational trauma and toxic familial relationships.

'We want our daughters to be leaders but we shut them down and tell them they’re bossy. We want our daughters to speak up and stand up for themselves but we label them arrogant and aggressive.' 

But I’m pretty sure that once, twice, or maybe countless times–you’ve seen yourself in situations where you are still either clueless or laden with guilt—these parenting concepts are merely concepts, a guide, because not all children are the same. We just take the meat off from what we can chew from these parenting tips and techniques and spit out the rest of the bones.

And for raising daughters, how do we raise them with fragility and tenacity combined?

Dear daughter, how do I raise you to be cool, not cold?

5 Lessons I Learned Growing Up as a Girl

I am far from being the woman that I want to be, but growing up, these are the lessons I learned as a girl.

1. Celebrate efforts, not results.

Growing up, we never felt pressure in the face of rankings or competitions. I am led to believe that I will always be better than someone and someone else will always be better than me but as long as I give it my best shot, that’s all I need.

One time, I came home crying for a failed grade in Math. My father asked us to dress up to go out and dine in a fast food chain. In my younger years, dining out meant someone received an award at school so I felt I was being mocked (because my father is good at Math) and so I cried even more.

He knew I was having a hard time understanding things and could not even summon my appetite for such a treat so, he told me, “You had the opportunity to cheat, but you didn’t. We have to celebrate that.”

2. What you say is what she hears.

Just because your child is a girl, it does not follow she'll be acing reading stories and reciting poems but she’ll struggle with Algebra and won’t shoot that ball. I know it’s 2024 but sometimes the voice inside our head is the language that we speak. If we are not conscious of the words we tell our children, we might be downplaying their potential or damaging their self-esteem without our having to be there.

What you tell her is what she’ll believe.

In my moments of trial and feelings of defeat, my parents' voice inside my head is what kept me going.

Read Also: Girl Power! How to Raise Your Daughter To Be A Cheerleader For Fellow Women

3. Encourage a healthy body image.

In this era where we video or take a photos and post what we wear, what we eat, where we go, and what we do, it is easy to compare the kind of lifestyle we live and the body we have. Most girls learn to be insecure with their appearance— skin color, weight, height, brand of clothing, and facial features. Let us encourage our daughters to find beauty in themselves that no matter what other people think about them or their body image won’t impact how they view themselves.

Insecurity is a trap—it can harbor feelings of self-doubt and lack of self-confidence.

4. Let her pursue her passion.

Gender roles have long been introduced since Kindergarten. But we are now living and thriving in an era of inclusivity so even if your daughter wants to pursue Karate or become the captain of the softball team—let her make her choice. As parents, we want the best for our children and sometimes our plans do not align with theirs but let us not forget, we only live once. We’ve already lived half of our lives, maybe more, so won’t we let them live theirs?

We want our daughters to be leaders but we shut them down and tell them they’re bossy. We want our daughters to speak up and stand up for themselves but we label them arrogant and aggressive.

I am deeply saddened when I see a child struggling to fulfill what the parent wants, and not what she wants. As long as they’re not choosing to do drugs, self-harming activities, or other detrimental acts, I think we owe it to them. We owe them their happiness.

Related read: 7 Awesome Books to Show Your Daughter What Girl Power Can Be Like 

5. Allow her to feel and fix her crown.

As a young girl, I was taught not to cry as much as possible. It will make me look more vulnerable. It will make me look weak. As an adult, when I finally learned to be attuned to my emotions, I was confused when my feelings were valid and I was overwhelmed with the surge of feelings I never got to name as a young girl.

But humans have feelings and occasionally we do get hurt, so let your little girl cry. Let her grieve the people, pets, and things she lost.

Sometimes, all she needs is someone who will listen. We don't even have to talk. 

And as they say, after each crying episode, teach them to wipe their tears and fix their ‘crown’.

A note to my daughter (and all the daughters)

Let me apologize for the things that may have hurt you without my knowing. We are growing together and we make mistakes.

Allow me to say thank you for the joy that you bring—for the sunshiney notes, butterfly kisses, and paper flowers.

I hope you grow up to be cool, not cold: strong, resilient, confident, and kind.