Older Sibling Resentment: Causes, Effects, And How To Deal

Pyschology Today explains the word “resent” based on its etymology: the Latin prefix "re" means again and "sentire" means to feel. “People who feel resentment experience an insult again. And again. And again—for years, sometimes for decades,” the site explains.

It is believed that resentment is a word that tends to describe anger that has accumulated for years because it cannot be directly expressed. Resentment is thought to be a “socioeconomic entrapment”, an emotion of the less powerful, for “rage” is the emotion of the powerful; the one who can afford and enact it, says German historian Ute Frevert.

What is older sibling resentment?

Sibling resentment describes a negative emotional reaction towards sibling/s that may include anger, bitterness, mistreatment, disappointment, and hard feelings. Resentment is a complex, multi-layer emotion that can be triggered by being taken advantage of, feeling put down, having to deal with a relationship with someone who insists on being right all the time and having to cope with feelings of being unheard. Older sibling resentment can be looked at both ways: older siblings can be resented by the younger siblings or the older sibling can also feel resentment towards the younger ones.

The secret lies in family dynamics. 

What are the signs of older sibling resentment?

• Anger
• Hostility
• Frustration
• Uneasiness
• Hard feelings
• Avoidance

What causes older sibling resentment?

Psychologists would agree that fights among siblings are normal. But feelings of resentment—bitterness, jealousy, revenge, and grudge, where do these come from?

1. Competition for attention

In families where one of the siblings gets diagnosed with a disorder, syndrome, or illness, oftentimes that child gets the utmost attention, care, and focus. The other children are expected to provide the same attention and care for the ill or specially-abled child. The other child’s young mind can harbor jealousy, shame, or even disgust because he/she wants the parents’ love and care too, and these negative feelings can fester if not addressed properly.

2. Order of birth

According to a journal entitled, “Sibling Relations and Their Impact on Children’s Development,” first-born siblings take center stage in terms of leadership, teaching, caregiving, and helping roles, whereas second-born siblings are more likely to become mimics: those who imitate, follow, take on the role of learner, and elicit care and help. However, the quality of these relations is affected by parenting styles, temperamental profile, and number of siblings, including children’s social understanding.

For example, if the kind of leadership first-born siblings apply is tyrannical and abusive, then younger siblings may feel resentment or fear. Conversely, if the younger siblings get privileges while the older siblings toil incessantly and sacrifice themselves so other siblings can have a better life, then the older sibling may feel resentful of the young ones and even consider them as “burdens”. Even the introduction of a new family member which shifts the spotlight from the firstborn to a baby or a half-sibling can affect how one sibling feels for the other. The order of birth is just a factor but other factors can influence the sibling relationship that could either be positive or negative.

3. Family dynamics

In a wellness blog by psychiatrist Dr. Marcia Sirota: “The Truth About Troubled Sibling Relationships,” children who share a chaotic, abusive, negative home environment can have two responses: “They can form close attachments to one another—uniting in the face of the abuse—or they can develop an “every man for himself” coping strategy.” Trauma can cause emotional shutdown so in the scenario where children are in charge of themselves, things may get messy and hurtful.

Dr. Sirota adds, “There are many reasons for children to become disconnected from their siblings. Dysfunctional parents often overtly favor one child over another, and then the siblings are set up to compete for parental attention. Equally, when parents withhold nurturing from all the children, siblings often become rivals for the few crumbs of affection they’re hoping that their parents might dole out.”

She continues, “Children who grow up in dysfunctional families often feel hurt, frustration and even rage toward their parents but most of the time, they’re too afraid to express these feelings directly toward Mom or Dad. They might fear being abused even more or they might worry that if they express any negative emotions, they’ll lose all chance of receiving any positive parental attention.”

Read Also: Can Sibling Rivalry Be Avoided? 10 Easy To Do Tips From A Family Expert

Dr. Sirota believes that it’s a lot easier for hurt and angry children to take out or project their feelings on their siblings because the stakes are lower. However, this early childhood bickering and quarrel can then set them up for hostility and estrangement for the rest of their lives.

How to sort the sibling squabble

Sibling relationship is an involuntary relationship and as we already know, we cannot choose our family. But the familial bond, or sibling relationship for that matter, is the strongest bond we could ever make so it is crucial to help our children deal with or avoid resentment as much as possible.

Related Read: Raising Siblings Without Rivalry, Is It Possible?

Tips on dealing with older sibling resentment 

- Make each of your kids feel special
Make eye contact if they are telling you something important to them. Make time for each of your children. Making time and finding time are two different things. Spend uninterrupted time with your child by putting the phone down and asking them about how their day went. Schedule dates or watch their games without constantly checking your phone or hurrying to get home.

- Create a loving environment
Maybe one of the children is ill or handicapped and may require additional support and attention—still, your other children also need you and your love. It may appear exhausting, it really is, but if you create a loving environment at home, your children will project the same energy and will love and support the other members of the family leaving no room for jealousy or resentment. They might even volunteer to genuinely help you take care of that child who needs extra care.

Make sure that roles are fulfilled reasonably so the older sibling would not feel like he/she is being taken advantage of or at times, "abused." Create an atmosphere of respect so the younger siblings will also learn to respect the older ones. 

- Create family traditions
Siblings will lock horns on occasion—no sibling pair has never had even a single argument. What is important is that they learn to forgive each other and stand by each other at the end of the day. To put their connection to good use, try to create family traditions. For example, Sunday dinner is for family. No dates on a Sunday night. Wherever your children are, they need to come home for a Sunday dinner and spend time with the family. You can be as creative as you like when it comes to creating family traditions.