‘Spoiled Yan!’ And Other Comments To Stop Saying To One And Done Parents

If you’ve ever attended a family gathering or school reunion, you know there’s no shortage of comments from those around you. A common one is, “Tumaba ka!”

It doesn’t matter what phase of life you’re in; people will always have something to say. If you’re single, it’s “Bakit wala ka pang boyfriend/girlfriend?” If you’re in a relationship, they ask, “Kelan kayo magpapakasal?” Once you’re married but childless, it becomes, “Bakit hindi pa kayo nagkakaanak?” When you have a child, it’s “Bakit hindi pa sinusundan?” And if you have multiple kids, they ask, “Bakit ang dami niyo namang anak?” It never ends.

It’s probably just a part of our culture and an attempt at small talk. Sometimes, these comments aren’ meant to be rude; they may come from genuine concern. However, throwing around unsolicited remarks can also hurt others’ feelings. 

For instance, my husband and I have a daughter who is now almost five years old, and lately, we’ve been hearing comments like, “Malaki na yan, pwede niyo ng sundan.” The worst one, directed at our daughter, was, “Dapat kasi hindi ka na katabi matulog ng mommy at daddy mo para makabuo na sila ng baby sister.”

To delve deeper into this, we asked one-child parents from Smart Parenting Village about the comments they often hear and the reasons why they have chosen to have only one child. 

On a lighter note, Kristina Marjorie Cruz, a mom-of-one, once received the remark, “Tinatamad ka mag-alaga ng anak, no?”. Her proud reply? “YES! Hahahaha!”

Common comments that one-child parents are tired of hearing

"Isa pa lang ang anak mo, hirap na hirap ka na. Ako nga, lima ang anak, hindi naman nagreklamo."

Jasmin Jacar-Acebuque shared in Smart Parenting Village, “Typical toxic relatives sa gathering. Lahat naman tayo may paghihirap na pinagdaraanan sa buhay. Pero huwag na ikumapara yung kesyo mas mahirap dinaanan mo. Kaya nga isa na lang anak dahil na-foresee na ang hirap ng buhay eh. Grabe kaya hirap ng buhay ngayon. Unless super stable ka talaga, go. Kahit naman yung ibang stable na hindi pa rin nag-aadd ng child dahil nga napakagulo ng mundo ngayon.”

Jasmin, a mom to a 4-year-old daughter and two dogs, added, “We have different battles to conquer. Por que mas marami yung anak ng iba, parang na-iinvalidate yung sa atin kasi isa lang anak natin.”

“Sayang ang lahi.”

This often comes with the suggestion, “Sundan niyo na iyan”. Irene Bonifacio-Kimpo shared other comments she’s heard, like, “Sana may girl para ikaw naman ang kamukha.” And “Pwede pa yan, yung kakilala ko nga, 49 years old, nabuntis pa, yung iba nga mas matanda pa.”

Irene explained, “We got married kinda late. I was 28, and in my generation, to get wed at that age was considered late. Then we had our son 3 years after pa. Due to age-related risks, pregnancy during the last term became complicated. My son was not born full-term and had some health issues. He underwent two surgeries in just two months after birth. Realizing that having a child was not easy, and with the rising cost of living, we decided we might not be able to provide the best if we had another one. Even when our financial situation improved, the doctor advised us about higher risks if we tried again due to my age and pregnancy history.”

Ivorie Acosta-Perez, mom to a 3-year-old son, shared her experience, “Whenever someone says ‘Sundan niyo na yan,’ nakaka-pressure talaga. Pero I’ve learned my lesson before having a child. Everyone kept telling us to have a baby na, pero hindi nila alam, hirap kami (mag-conceive) and were undergoing hormone therapy.”

"Kaya sutil/makulit anak niyo kasi mag-isa lang! Kelan niyo ba susundan?"

Daine Narido-Reyes, a mom of one, mentioned that although they wanted another child, she can’t have one due to PCOS and Diabetes. “This is why comments can be hurtful and insensitive. We don’t know the whole story, yet we are quick to comment on others’ lives.” 

She added, “Other remarks I’ve heard include, ‘Sexy ka na ulit! Pwede na sundan!’ ‘Ang laki na ng gap!’ And ‘Nako pag nag-kababy girl kayo, kamukha naman ni Daddy.’”

Lana Abanto also hears, “Kelan niyo ba yan susundan.” She shared, “Same samin. We are not planning to have another one. Pero naiisip din minsan na dagdagan kahit isa. Our LO has mild ASD level 1, and according to the doctor, malaki yung chance na yung kasunod eh meron din. Sa hirap ng buhay ngayon, idadag pa yung therapies na P800/hour and tuition fees, mas naiisip namin na okay na isa na lang. Dalawa nga sila, hirap naman kami sa buhay hndi naman namin sila ma-therapy. Mas masakit bilang magulang yun.”

“Bigyan niyo na ng kapatid para may kalaro."

Kamille Avila, an only child and mom to a 5-year-old daughter, often hears, “Pag tumanda ang anak mo at walang kapatid, malungkot yun.” She also hears, “Nag-iisang anak ka na nga, dapat bumawi ka,” and the never-ending "Hindi pa ba susundan yan?"

Nick Fernandez, dad to a 3-year-old, also frequently receives comments like, “Malungkot lumaki mag-isa” and “Kailangan na niya ng kalaro.” He humorously responds, “Sige, susundan namin basta sila sa lahat ng expenses from birth hanggang makatapos ng college.” 

On a more serious note, Nick adds, “I think a lot of people are also unaware that being pregnant takes a toll on parents, especially for moms. It's physically, mentally, and financially draining, especially in today’s economy.”

“Bigyan niyo ng kapatid para hindi lumaking spoiled (brat).”

Another popular comment is, “Magiging spoiled yan.” There’s a common belief that kids without siblings are automatically spoiled. 

Margarita Mercado, who has heard this countless times, explained why it’s insensitive: “Ang perception kasi ng mga tao kapag napagbigyan ang gusto ng anak ay ‘spoiled’ na agad. Sila yung mga tao na hindi naman nakikita paano rin namin disiplinahin ang anak namin. Napapagalitan/napapangaralan din naman kapag mali ang ginagawa (iwas din kami pagalitan ang bata in public para hindi mapahiya), at nagkataon lang na isa lang sa mga hiniling ng bata ang nakita nilang napagbigyan (hindi naman lahat ng gusto ay nasusunod).”

She added, “I hope those who would read about our experiences will understand and be more careful with their insensitive comments kasi hindi naman nila alam lahat ng ginagawa namin para sa anak namin.”

"Why isn't God giving us a brother?"

For Abby Singzon, the questions come from their daughter, who longs for a sibling. “Where’s my baby brother?" “What's taking my baby sister so long to get here?" “I’ll save this (anything na pang-baby) for my sister." "I want God to give me a sister tomorrow."

However, the reason they can’t fulfill this wish is heartbreaking. “Sorry anak, we also want lots of siblings for you. But as someone with PCOS and other uterine and hormonal problems, ang hirap talaga. Na-stress na ako talaga about it, it's giving me anxiety, and sometimes I just quietly cry.”

“God will provide.”

Yves Yap, mom of a 5-year-old daughter, shared that people often tell them, “God will provide. She responded, “Actually, it’s by choice talaga. I had no problems conceiving. But I grew up na tatlo kaming magkakapatid, I saw the struggles of my parents kaya ayaw ko na ng ganung stress.”

She continued, “My husband and I focused on financial stability. We only live once, and we want a comfortable life. We understand our financial limits and don’t want our children to suffer because we lack in different ways. Ayaw din namin mag-depend sa kanya in the future.” 

To affirm other one-child parents, Yves said, “The dream of having one child is just as valid as having 2, 3, or 4. My child is not an ‘only’ child; she’s my ‘everything’ child. The term ‘only’ implies something is missing, but a mother's heart can be completely fulfilled with just one child. Every family size has its beauty, with its pros and cons. The key is to find what works best for your family and take pride in your decision."

Sometimes, we may think of these comments as “just making conversation,” but they can mask stories and struggles that others face. So think twice before commenting on another’s situation and always, always, be kind and mindful.

Read here to find out why Filipino parents choose to have one child.