'My 11-Year-Old Child Says He's Part Of LGBTQ Community, Should I Confront Him?' Expert Says No. Here's Why

Smart Parenting Guide on Sex Education seeks to empower parents in raising informed tweens and teens who understand their body and their rights with the goal of protecting them from all kinds of sexual abuse. Smart Parenting resident sex education expert, Dr. Rica Cruz is a US-board certified sexologist, a sex and relationships therapist and a member of the Smart Parenting Board of Experts. Together with tween daughter Caia Miella, Dr. Rica, navigates the realities of sex in the eyes of today's teens and tweens and aims to foster honest and healthy conversations between parent and child. 

The following article jumps off an anonymous post from our Smart Parenting Village.

Dear Parent,

I feel your concern about talking to your child about their sexual orientation, particularly if you have reservations or believe that being gay is not normal. It is commendable that you reach out to others and acknowledge you and your husband’s feelings about the matter. However, it is also important to approach the topic with an open mind and educate yourself about sexuality. 

I hope that you do recognize that being gay is a normal and valid variation of human sexuality and is not just about being able to watch movies or seeing the LGBTQIA++ community represented everywhere. You can find reliable sources of information, research, and personal stories from LGBTQIA++ individuals to deepen your understanding. It may be helpful for you to take the time to learn about different perspectives and experiences. 

'Creating a safe and accepting environment for your child is absolutely necessary. Make sure they feel loved, supported, and accepted unconditionally, regardless of their sexual orientation.' -Dr. Rica Cruz

It's also important to reflect on your own beliefs and biases. We all have them, but it's crucial to examine and challenge any negative attitudes or prejudices you may hold regarding the community. 

What makes you “in denial” about your child being gay? Why are you uncomfortable about it? What makes you hope that he’s straight? Think about it and discuss these with your husband. Remember that being gay is not a choice or something that can be changed–it is who you are as a person. It is who your child is. Period.  

RELATED: 'Give A Hundred Percent Support' See How These Parents Accepted Their LGBTQ Kids

Curiosity versus confronting

Creating a safe and accepting environment for your child is absolutely necessary. Make sure they feel loved, supported, and accepted unconditionally, regardless of their sexual orientation. Let them know that you're open to discussing any topic and that their well-being is your top priority, but please do NOT confront your child. 

Ask yourself, what is there to “confront” about? It may instead be helpful to approach him through a lens of curiosity and interest. Ask him about his school, his friends, his crushes! In a very casual tone, you may also ask him, “do you like boys or girls or both?” And let him speak without expectations. 

Aside from curiosity, approach the situation with care. Avoid probing too much or making your child feel uncomfortable. Avoid making assumptions or jumping to conclusions. Patience and understanding will go a long way in creating a safe and open dialogue where they can share their thoughts and feelings honestly. Show them that you accept and respect who they are, and when they trust you (and please be trustworthy and try to stay away from your child’s messages), they will open up to you–on their own terms. 

'You need to be their source of strength and support as they navigate a world full of judgment and discrimination.'

If you find it challenging to understand or accept your child being gay, it may be helpful to seek professional support. A therapist experienced in SOGIESC (sexual orientation, gender identity, gender expression and sex characteristics) issues can provide a safe space for you to discuss your concerns, address any biases you may have, and offer guidance on how to support your child effectively.

As parents our role is to love, support, and guide our children unconditionally. Being gay is normal and acceptance from loved ones, especially one’s parents is crucial for your child’s mental and emotional well-being. You need to be their source of strength and support as they navigate a world full of judgment and discrimination. 

With your understanding, love, and support, you can create a positive and affirming environment where your child can thrive.

With love and lust,
Doc Rica

RELATED: I Came Out To My Dad Who’s A Pastor, His Reply Stunned Me

Can your child trust you?

Dear Parent,

I understand that you're concerned about your child, but I think it's better to let them come to you when they're ready instead of confronting them. Just give them some time to figure things out on their own. If you have a good relationship with your child, there's a good chance that they will tell you about their identity when they're ready. 

There's a lot of stuff out there about the LGBTQIA++ community that might make your child think, "Hey, if everyone's doing it, maybe I should too?" But the thing is, you should just let them explore their identity in a loving environment. It's important to create a space where they feel safe to be themselves.

'I was able to tell my parents that I was bisexual because I felt comfortable with them and that it was a safe environment, and they wouldn't judge me.' -Caia, Dr. Rica's tween daughter

And when they open up to you, it's super important to let them know that you accept and love them no matter what. That's what they need most from you as their parent! 

So, in short, just be patient and wait for them to tell you when they're ready! But then again, as a child, I’m wondering how he can trust you when you’re looking at his chats? Uh oh.  

But hey, if you really feel like you need to talk to your child about it, maybe you can just ask them straightforwardly. But maybe if they don't want to share anything with you yet, it's nice to give them some space. Sometimes it takes time to gather the courage to talk about this stuff. Just let them know that you're there for them whenever they're ready.

RELATED: Practical Guide To Talking To Your Kids About Gender, Sexuality, and Condoms

One of my experiences on "coming out" to my parents was at 10 years old. I had concluded to myself that I like both boys and girls, so I told my mom and dad that I was bisexual. I was able to tell my parents that I was bisexual because I felt comfortable with them and that it was a safe environment, and they wouldn't judge me.

Our home was a safe place for me! Plus, it’s really no big deal, right? I’m still Caia! And it made a huge difference to have their support.

I think everyone's journey is different, and your child will open up to you when they feel ready. Just keep being loving and accepting, and they'll know when they can trust you!

Love,
Caia