5 Key Things To Remember When Supporting Friends Trying To Conceive

1 in 6 people globally is affected by infertility, according to the World Health Organization (WHO).

Meanwhile, according to the Philippine Society for Reproductive Medicine in a feature article, approximately 10% of the population, or around 11.4 million Filipinos will have the need for fertility services. Infertility is defined by WHO as a “disease of the male or female reproductive system, defined by the failure to achieve a pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse. It can cause significant distress, stigma, and financial hardship, affecting people’s mental and psychosocial well-being.”

Also Read: Motherhood Is For Me Too, The Woman Trying To Conceive

Alaiza, 30 years old, a member of the Smart Parenting Village, a community of more than 108,000 moms and dads, shares, “Sa barkadahan namin, nauna akong ikasal. Pero naunahan nila akong magka-baby. Masaya ako para sa mga kaibigan ko na nagkaroon na ng baby. Lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili kong darating din ‘yung para sa aming mag-asawa. May mga days noon na nagse-self pity na ako kasi di kami makabuo pero nili-lift ng asawa ko mood ko tuwing negative ang nalabas sa PT (pregnancy test) ko. Ang daming OB-Gyn na nilapitan, mga health tips na sinunod, pati payo ng mga kakilala–’di pa din talaga makabuo.”

Alaiza would later give birth to a baby boy after six years of trying.

Another member of the village, Jacob, 43 year-old male who works in the engineering industry, used to struggle with his wife to conceive a baby. He opens up to Smart Parenting, “Naka 2 IVF na kami. Non-stop prayers, madaming pray overs, pero sadly hindi kami naka-conceive. Yes, there were days na nalungkot, there were days na nainggit kasi only child lang ako and I, of course, wanted someone to continue the line. I was surrounded by positive and supportive friends—eventually, natanggap na namin. Actually mas nauna si wifey ‘ata na nag-accept. She said ayaw na nya mag-IVF, and that pushed me also to accept na din. We are genuinely happy for our friends who have conceived, and we share their joy as they have shared theirs with us.”

Also Read: Artificial Insemination At Home: A Woman’s Unique Journey To Getting Pregnant ‘Alone’

Alaiza and Jacob’s stories give us a glimpse of how painful and challenging it is to wait and try to conceive. We might  think that as technology has become advanced, these issues can be easily addressed—but it goes to show that infertility does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone and despite many methods available, some continue to struggle.

"...okay lang naman po kung isa tao lang magtatanong pero kapag marami na, dun po ako nati-trigger tapos tuturuan ako ng ano gagawin (na para bang wala kaming ginagawa.)" 

—Aileen, trying to conceive for 16 years now

How can we support friends struggling to conceive?

5 key things to remember when supporting friends trying to conceive

1. If they don’t open up, don’t ask.

Aileen, 46 years old, has been trying for more than 16 years to conceive. She shares, “Ayaw ko kapag tinatanong ako kung bakit wala pa kaming baby at kung nagpacheck-up na ba ako sa OB, okay lang naman po kung isa tao lang magtatanong pero kapag marami na, dun po ako nati-trigger tapos tuturuan ako ng ano gagawin (na para bang wala kaming ginagawa.)”

Although at times we intend to share in their pain, our opinion can sound like words of blame and judgment. The path to parenthood is not the same for everybody so if they’re not opening up about their situation—just let them be.

2. Tactfully ask them if they want to join baby-related events such as gender reveal and baby showers.

Aileen says, “Ngayon po mas umiiwas na ako or pili lang po ang pinupuntahan ko, chine-check ko ‘yung mga invited—if konting friends ko lang po ang makaka-attend, kasi minsan imbes na mag-enjoy ka sa event eh gusto mo na umuwi agad.”

3. Save your words of pity—even if you’re just trying to check in and connect.

Nobody wants to be perceived as a recipient of charity and pity. Stay in touch, but not so frequently that it becomes clear you're overly worried about your friend.

Remember, the couple’s life is more than just this one challenge. A flaw in their relationship, if this is even considered a real flaw, does not define the couple. When someone feels overwhelmed, especially if the underlying issue is trying to conceive, it can be refreshing to shift focus by talking about other aspects of their life or events in the world, offering a much-needed mental and emotional reprieve.

4. Don’t offer unsolicited advice.

Unless specifically asked, refrain from offering advice. I’m sure they’ve undergone sleepless nights researching their condition and their options.

Even if you’ve experienced infertility yourself, it would be best to keep your suggestions to yourself if your advice is not being sought. Avoid commenting on their physical appearance and food intake, workout routine (or lack of one), intimacy schedule, lifestyle choices, work, and stress management strategies, household products they use, vitamins they take, or anything else, unless you're a reproductive health professional. While it might be tempting to offer advice, your role isn’t to solve their problems or let them know that “it could have been worse.” Simply listen, be present, and acknowledge their struggle.

"It will not be helpful if, in your interactions with someone struggling with infertility, you pretend that there is nothing wrong," according to a University research. It adds, "Although the sufferer(s) may seem irrational in their struggle, recognize that what they are experiencing is very real to them, and their reactions may be a surprise to them as well. Realize that you cannot take away their pain or solve the problem for them, but that the purpose of conversations is to communicate concern."

5. Ask how you can be of help.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, “The feelings around and reactions to infertility may include anger, sadness, shame, or grief. Couples may feel isolated and stigmatized and find it very difficult to be around other couples with children.”

Of course, we don’t want our friends to feel alone and isolated. If you don’t know what to do around your friend struggling with infertility and don’t want to walk on eggshells around them—ask, “How can I help?” Your friend will let you know if they need more than your ears and presence.

Here's a story of a woman who went through 20 rounds of IVF before she got pregnant.