Planning To Have A Child In Your 30s Or 40s? Psychologist Poses Three Questions To Guide You

Thinking about having your baby in your 30s, 40s, or 50s is never an easy decision to make. While having a baby later in life can be an advantage, especially when it comes to making more mature decisions in life or being financially capable of raising a family, it is not without its challenges.    

Moms from our Smart Parenting Village who’ve ‘been there, done that’ shared that late parenthood does have its advantages and disadvantages.    

One mom who had her first child at 31 says it was an advantage for her. “Na enjoy ko ang singlehood, saka feeling ko mas may maturity ako to handle stuff,” she said, but added that matching her child’s stamina has been a challenge.    

Another mom who had her first child at 38 wished she had children when she was younger. “Biggest regret naming mag asawa ay yung mga bagay na sana nagawa namin with the kids. Mga bagay na first time namin lahat gagawin dahil malakas pa kami ng daddy nila. Kaya lagi naming dasal na manatili pa rin kaming malakas at hindi magkasakit para sa mga anak naming,” she shared. She is about to turn 43 years old while her husband is 45 and their children are ages 2 and 3.   

A mom who had another child at 43 feels the exact opposite and said that she saw no disadvantages in having one more child late in life. “I’m so grateful na nagkaroon pa ng isang anak.”    

When couples decide to become parents much later in life—it is important to weigh their psychological preparedness.

A mom who had her first child at 40 admitted that she enjoyed singlehood before her baby came along but had a high-risk pregnancy because of her age. "Ayaw na namin sundan kasi nag severe preeclampsia ako nun.”   

When couples decide to become parents much later in life—whether they are doing it for the first time or reentering the journey by having another child, it is important to weigh their psychological preparedness, according to an article in Forbes titled, “The ‘Having Kids Later In Life’ Question, Explored By A Psychologist.” Written by American Psychologist Mark Travers, the article explored the important questions couples need to answer before plunging into parenthood later than most. He lists three for them to consider.   

3 questions to ask before entering parenthood

1.What type of happiness are you looking for? 

According to Travers, literature splits happiness into two kinds—the ‘in-the-moment’ happiness, which refers to instant gratification, and ‘reflective happiness,’ which is the kind we feel when we have reached a milestone in life and is related to the idea of life meaning and fulfillment.  

Travers writes, “Not surprisingly, research suggests that having kids increases one’s sense of reflective happiness, but does so at the expense of one’s in-the-moment happiness.” Citing an example, he refers to the pride parents feel when their child learns something new vis-a-vis waking up at 2am to feed or change diapers.  

“There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing one form of happiness over the other—it’s a matter of personal preference,” Travers clarifies. “Just be sure that your decision to enter, or re-enter, parenthood is congruent with your happiness goals at this stage in your life.”   

2. How is your patience level? 

Patience in parenthood applies to so many aspects. Our Smart Parenting Village moms who had a child later in life expressed that they find it hard to keep up with their child’s energy levels and demands for playtime.  

In the article, Travers asks whether couples will have the patience to embark on the journey of protecting, watching, nurturing, and teaching their child for the first 18 years of his life. 

“Everyone has a different barometer for patience, and patience levels naturally ebb and flow throughout one’s life,” he writes.  

He writes that based on a study that came out in the Journal of Positive Psychology, patience can be broken down into three categories: interpersonal, life hardship, and daily hassles patience.

In the study, the researchers devised 11 agree-disagree statements that will help determine where one falls in a certain category.

These statements cover how we apply patience in mundane to difficult situations. 

• My friends would say I’m a very patient friend.
• I am able to wait out tough times.
• Although they’re annoying, I don’t get too upset when stuck in traffic jams.
• I am patient with other people.
• I find it pretty easy to be patient with a difficult life problem or illness.
• In general waiting in lines doesn’t bother me. 
• I have trouble being patient with my close friends and family. 
• I am patient during life’s hardships. 
• When someone is having difficulty learning something new, I will be able to help them without getting frustrated or annoyed. 
• I get very annoyed at red lights. 
• I find it easy to be patient with people.   

RELATED: First-Time Dad at 40: Being a Father Was Worth the Wait

3. What is your true motivation for wanting a child? 

Among the questions Travers has posed, the third demands the most introspection. According to him, science can help couples formulate a plan by separating goal-setting and goal-directed behavior into two categories: intrinsic and extrinsic.

“An intrinsic goal or motivation can be defined as something you want to do for you while an extrinsic goal might be something others expect you to do or something you feel you should do,” he defines. He adds that psychologists are more inclined to say that success comes more naturally when it is intrinsically motivated.

To guide couples on whether to act on their desire to have children at a later stage in their lives, Travers came up with five research-inspired questions which couples can answer while ‘keeping the intrinsic versus extrinsic dichotomy in mind’:   

• Does somebody else want me to achieve this goal, or will I get something from someone if I do?
• Would I feel ashamed if I didn’t achieve this goal?
• Do I really believe this is an important goal to have?
• Will this goal provide me with fun and enjoyment?
• Does this goal represent who I am and reflect what I value most in life?  

No two parenting journeys are the same, Travers writes. “As long as you’re entering with a plan and for the right reasons, there’s never a wrong time to have children,” he concludes.