On Queen of Tears, Miscarriage, And The Weight It Puts On Marriage

TW: Loss and miscarriage

Spoiler alert: This article contains spoilers of major events in the plot line of Queen of Tears. 

In case you missed it, another K-Drama has been setting social media on fire.

Queen of Tears starring Kim Soo Hyun (Baek Hyun-Woo) and Kim Ji Won (Hong Hae-In) is currently the Top 1 Most Watched TV Show on Netflix Philippines. Park Ji-Eun wrote the drama, the same writer who brought us the masterpiece Crash Landing On You (CLOY) in 2019-2020.

With only 8 episodes released as of this writing and 8 more episodes left to air, Queen of Tears has already surpassed CLOY’s ratings. Its unexpected twists and turns, surprising plot, and story-telling leave viewers gripped with each episode.

Miscarriage in K-Drama

Warning: The following content contains spoilers from Queen of Tears.

One event in the K-Drama that made a buzz in social media was the unfolding of the couple’s miscarriage. The scene when they lost their baby was less than three minutes long, yet, the emotions portrayed stayed with the audience for much longer than.

When Baek Hyun-Woo turned off the lights in the supposed-to-be nursery room, one glow-in-the-dark star was left, and we felt his heartbreak. Hong Hae-In tried to bottle up all her emotions and told herself, “Don’t cry. You have no right.” Still, with tears, she couldn’t find the courage to rip off the only proof they had a baby.

Queen of Tears portrayed the pain of losing a baby excellently. Without only a few words, the unspoken pain of both mother and father was felt. In an instant, their happiness from expecting a baby turned into mourning and feelings of loss. It marked the beginning of the couple’s falling out.

Miscarriage: Both Mom and Dad’s Pain

The K-Drama proved to be thought-provoking as conversations about who was right or wrong surfaced. Whose pain was greater? Was Hong Hae-In a heartless mom who didn’t care that she lost her child because she just continued to work? Was Baek Hyun-Woo a selfish dad who only thought of his pain alone and turned his back on his wife?

Noona Chronicles shared on Facebook, “There's always two sides to every story. The point where they started to distance themselves was when they lost their child. Who's to blame? Some say it's Hyunwoo. Some say it's Haein. For me, it's no one. It's their lack of communication. It's how they don't acknowledge each other's feelings. It's how they don't even consider each other's pain but only their own.”

The original post also shared a quote from Hae-In Shooter, “IDK how many times I need to say this, but the husband’s grief during a miscarriage would never be more than the mother’s grief.”

The comment section was filled with explanations of whose pain was greater.

The truth is miscarriage is painful both for the expectant mom and dad. They may have different experiences related to miscarriage, but pain is present for both. They may also have a different response to the situation, but both lost their child. Instead of comparing whose pain is greater, it would be more constructive for couples to use the pain to grow closer to each other, grieving together, and eventually, healing together.

RELATED: ‘Wala Nang Heartbeat Si Baby,’ Gabay Para Sa Mga Magulang Na Nakaranas Ng Miscarriage

Coping together: How couples dealt with miscarriage

Smart Parenting asked couples who went through miscarriage about their healing process.

A wife from Las Piñas, married for almost six years and prayerfully waiting for a baby shared, “Coping with a miscarriage and discovering that I had a medical condition called dermoid cyst at the same time was incredibly overwhelming for me and my husband. We were both shocked and struggled to process the loss and the unexpected health issue simultaneously.”

'It was difficult not just to endure the loss of life, but witnessing my wife devastated and totally hurt. As a person who loves to take charge and solve problems, it was incredibly hard for me to stand on the side and watch.' —Lyle Apalisok

She added, “We found significant comfort and strength in our friends and family. They made sure we felt loved and cherished by praying for us and being with us on the day we got the news and the days after. Their very presence gave us assurance that we are not alone in this journey of healing and recovery. Having a strong support system made the experience a little less heavy.”

When asked how they processed the situation together, she said, “My husband was the only person who really understood me throughout this difficult time. He made sure that we process and feel everything— the shock, the loss, the confusion, all of it.” The couple requested to remain anonymous.

“While we were dealing with some tough decisions about my health, we also took the time to talk about how we went from excited about the pregnancy to just feeling stunned. We shared our hopes and dreams in raising our child and then the disappointment when things didn't go as planned,” she said.

RELATED: 'Sana Po Soon': The Painful Journey Of Trying To Get Pregnant With Endometriosis

What they did as a couple to heal was to let their feelings out. “Sabi niya, iiyak lang natin kay God and that's exactly what we did. We both allowed ourselves to cry, feel sad, and just be confused and be lost together. What helped us even more in supporting each other and getting through everything was by being extra gracious and patient with each other.”

'There were moments we just cried with our friends'

Another couple, Julia and Lyle Apalisok who went through two miscarriages, shared how they journeyed together through those painful times, “Lyle and I experienced two miscarriages, and I was diagnosed with Reproductive Autoimmune Problems. Walking the line between grief and love is a challenge—one you should not face alone, a lesson we learned and applied early in our marriage.”

Julia Apalisok, 33, Vice President at Citibank said, “Acknowledging the ways both my husband and I feel supported is crucial for getting on the same page and helping each other through the darkest days. We both took time to step away from our commitments, rest, and give ourselves the space to just be. We also spent more intentional time with each other. Lyle and I have been blessed to be surrounded by loving family, amazing friends, and our church community. There were moments when we just cried with them. There were no words. They gave us space to grieve our losses. We have received so much love, understanding, and support from the people around us during those tough times.”

Aside from the support from family, friends, and community, Julia and Lyle made sure to support each other. Julia shared how her husband helped her, “Lyle and I are wired differently, and because of that, we mourn differently. His grief is quieter, while mine is verbal and vocal—my emotions are all over the place. My husband has loved me in a way I didn’t think possible. Lyle has carried me (with God’s help) through the storms of life with grace and God-given precision. He has given me the gracious space to mourn for as long as I need, in whatever way I need to. In moments when I felt anxious and so incapable of facing the pain, he would wrap his arms around me, hold me when I was overwhelmed, kiss me, and affirm me. He listens and he hears me. And I do the same for him.”

Lyle, 31, Executive Producer at Spark Connection Film Studios shared, “When we experienced our miscarriages, one of the most challenging things I had to endure was not just the loss of life, but witnessing my wife devastated and totally hurt. As a person who loves to take charge and solve problems, it was incredibly hard for me to stand on the side and watch.”

'She was able to inform me what she’s gone through, ano ba ang meron sa miscarriage so that I can better understand where she is at.' -Gelo Julian

He also added, “However, I had to accept this posture because I knew things were already out of my control. What helped me cope during this trying time in our marriage was my wife’s resilience. It may sound religious and cliché, but witnessing her wrestle with God while trying to make sense of our loss was the main reason I was able to overcome the overwhelming feeling of defeat. Her faith gave me hope that things would be okay. In that moment, I experienced what it really meant to let go and let God. Trusting the Lord is no longer just a statement I wear on my shirt; it has become a lifestyle, thanks to my wife’s faith.”

'She helped me understand what happens during a miscarriage'

For Gelo Julian, father of one, his wife Smart Parenting Associate Video Director Cherrie helped him understand the physical changes and consequences of a miscarriage to a woman's body. "She was able to inform me what she’s gone through, ano ba ang meron sa miscarriage so that I can better understand where she is at. Tinanggap niya rin na we need to understand what happened.

He added, "Some people, when they go through something, they tend to be in denial, parang they would want to be alone. But I’m thankful that Cherrie understood the way I think. Inopen niya 'yung sarili niya sa 'Ah kasi kelangan nating intindihin, kasi 'di pwedeng ganito lang.” So in those ways, natulungan niya rin ako to help me understand the gravity of what we were going through."

Gelo said, "Kasi some people, nadodownplay yung 'Nakunan ako.' But in reality, it’s really something, especially for the mom. As dads, hindi naman natin maiintindihan ng lubusan kasi 'di pa naging part natin kasi di pa nagmamanifest ng buo ung pregnancy, pero the mere fact na sa wife natin nagkaroon na nun, big deal 'yun sa kanya, sa body niya." 

Cherrie writes about their miscarriage here.

Both Lyle and Julia Apalisok and the anonymous couple are still prayerfully waiting for a baby. Cherrie, Gelo, and their firstborn Addie also continue to be hopeful.

Miscarriage is both the mom and dad’s pain, comparing one another's pain only pulls a couple apart. Instead of comparison, support from each other is needed, with love and understanding from family, friends, and community.