Kylie Padilla Recalls Battling Postpartum Depression, Anxiety: 'Nothing Was In My Control'

Kylie Padilla can't help getting emotional counting her blessings in a recent Instagram post.

For starters, the actress and single mom of two boys (Alas, 5, and Axl, 3) wrote in the caption that she's found what she calls "my safe home for my kids, my health, my work."

Kylie went on announcing how well her projects have been faring. BetCin, the digital rom-com series costarring Andrea Torres, was nominated in the Best Comedy Program category at the Asian Academy Creative Awards 2022.

Bolera, the GMA-7 drama series with Kylie in the title role, ruled the ratings game during its run from May to August 2022, and had a music video also featuring its lead star.

Mga Lihim ni Urduja, the newest Kapuso series that took over the timeslot vacated by the hit historical drama Maria Clara at Ibarra, is the onscreen reunion of Kylie and her Encantadia costars Sanya Lopez and Gabbi Garcia. Encantadia (2016) was topping the ratings when Kylie got pregnant with Alas.

Finally, Unravel, a movie costarring Gerald Anderson, has been selected as one of the entries to the 1st Summer Metro Manila Film Festival (MMFF). This spinoff of the annual December filmfest will debut in April 2023, starting on Black Saturday.

Kylie said those projects "were all just dreams I wrote in the stars." She added, "Kanina pa ako emotional about how thankful I am. How grateful. Akala ko talaga huli na for me. But God is good. Thank you for still believing in me."

In her post, Kylie shared one of her photos and three screenshots of an essay encapsuling her thoughts and feelings.

The long road to postpartum recovery

Kylie looked back to three years ago, in early December 2019, when she had just given birth to her second child Axl. At that time, she and the boys' father, Aljur Abrenica, were still together, and meanwhile, a new virus had just been detected in China.

She described her bunso as "such a blessing, my ray of sunshine" during that difficult time of being diagnosed with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety.

Kylie explained, "The chemistry in my body was out of my control, hormonal fluctuations took a toll on my emotional journey. Complications from birth hindered me from taking care of my kids."

She then confessed, "I've never opened up about this but I was in constant pain, constant doubt of my future, if my body would ever recover, if I could even stand or walk properly ever again.

"I had to learn to muster the strength to trust my body would heal, that I would regain my strength again because I killed me to accept that I had no choice but trust the care of my kids to someone else. Nothing was in my control. I missed my kids. But I had to rest to be able to recover to take care of them."

Kylie fast-tracked to the time the virus from China came to be known as COVID-19 and caused a pandemic. She remembered having "challenges at home," adding "everything pushed me to the brink of almost breaking. Which I think almost everyone felt."

Kylie said in reflection, "These series of unfortunate events made me feel the most human I had ever felt in my life. I was a celebrity but what did that even mean? I had gained so much weight, I was now a mother, I was no longer the person I used to be. Was there any kind of future left for me?

"So many doubts, an aching body. Never in my life had I been so emotionally physically exhausted. Pero inalagaan ko pamilya ko, I put them first. Like all wives and mothers do. I was fulfilled but was I happy?

"And is seeking my own happiness even a possibility I asked myself every single day. That is all it was, a question. Never answered. Never ever explored. Except maybe in my dreams."

Suddenly, there was light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak: "At some point, The Universe paved a way for me. She led me here. To today. I just remember praying, 'Give me another chance and I won't ever take it for granted. Give me another chance to pursue what will truly fulfill me.'

Kylie pointed out, "As women, we're plagued with narratives, judgments and ideals of how we should live out our lives. I played out mine. But once the story was something I refused to play along with, I left it. Di na ako yun. Di na ito yung para sa 'kin, I said to myself. And left the narrative."

Fast-forward to February 2023: Kylie happily reported, "Today, I wake up. I ask myself, what about now? I have safe home for my kids, work that I'm proud of and one by one my dreams are becoming my reality.

"After all my doubt, pain and fighting the silent battles, fighting my own psyche for the right to be happy, I'm here. Still growing, still learning but always thriving to remain grounded in humility.

"What was once a period in my life I no longer wanted to remember is now something I remember with fondness.Without that pain I would appreciate my now. I'm grateful for its humbling effect on me because one thing is for sure, we will all return to dust.

"All we can ever take is our memories that we turn into stories. Where our journey and strength will hopefully be passed on. My kids. My story. And the moment I knew it's not just about being happy but about authenticity. Because no one could ever be happy pretending to be something they aren't. And I'm done pretending."

In summation, Kylie said, "I guess the message is, don't get stuck in a bad place. Know that life is a cycle and good and bad it all passes. Be in the moment but don't be swept away from it. Live in your authenticity. Repair when you can. Laugh or make someone laugh and last but not least, celebrate yourself. You deserve it."

Read here on postpartum depression treatment.