Does Marriage Still Matter In Raising Kids? Young Parents Weigh In On Its Role In Family Life

More and more Filipino couples are now embracing common-law partnerships based on a report by the Philippine Statistics Authority. Released in February 2023, the report showed that there was an increase in common law/live-in marital arrangements by 14.7% in 2020 from 9.2% in 2015. That’s around five million more couples cohabiting outside of marriage in 2020. This arrangement was the highest among the age group 25-29 years (20.8%.)

Among celebrities, we see the same trend happening as well. There’s Angelica Panganiban and now-husband Gregg Homan who lived together for more than two years and welcomed their baby before tying the knot early this year. Sofia Andres and Daniel Miranda continue to be very involved parents to their four-year old daughter, Zoe, without any wedding plans in the horizon as per public knowledge. In one of her Instagram posts, Andres shared that it’s the love they put into their relationship and the love they have for their daughter that matters most. “Love is different for everyone. It’s true. But for me, a ring on my finger shouldn’t define our love for each other.”

A study published in the National University of Singapore website, titled “Do Filipinos still say ‘I do’? The rise of non-marriage and cohabitation in the Philippines” conducted by Jeofrey Abalos shows the increasing trend in live-in marital arrangements is also accompanied by Filipinos’ changing attitudes towards marriage and cohabitation. According to the study, the trend can partly be attributed to the increasing exposure of Filipinos to less traditional values and more liberal views through mainstream and social media.”

As Filipinos become more open to cohabitation, where does the formal union between partners come in and does it still matter as they navigate their way around their own relationship and parenting? Smart Parenting reached out to two young moms living in with their partners to get their perspectives on marriage and where it stands in their current set-up.

Marriage on their own terms and timeline

Alithea “Chaya” Claver and her British partner Adam Haworth met in 2016 and have been living together for seven years now. Together, they are raising their three-year old son. Before having a child, the couple knew they wanted to get married and have two children ‘in no particular order.’

“Our families aren’t religious even though we both went to Catholic and Anglican schools. We just don’t think that you have to get married just because you had a child. It's basically just legalities unless you are very religious,” says Chaya.

Relationships take a lot of work and navigating parenthood is a whole other level—it takes a different kind of patience, humility, understanding, grace, and forgiveness. 

—Bettina Espiritu, mom of one

Chaya and Adam are set to get married in 2025 and for them, the union is a practical move, especially on aspects that concern their son. “The main reason for doing this is for our son to have no problems with inheritance, enrollment, and for easier immigration processes. Very unromantic if I put it that way, but it doesn’t mean the wedding won’t be nice and meaningful.”

Unlike Chaya and Adam, Bettina Espiritu and partner Ino Leal come from very traditional Roman Catholic households. Early into their relationship, they both had a “date-to-marry” as they knew they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together, but they wanted to do it on their own terms and timeline, says Bettina who, has been with Ino for more than 11 years. They have been common-law partners for more than five years now and have a two-year old son, Teo.

“We’re not putting pressure into (getting married) just because we have a child together,” says Bettina. “We discuss it openly. We already have a list of what we want for our wedding. We even take mental notes of what we should do and not do from the weddings that we’ve attended.” She adds that while they are not devout Catholics, they believe in the sanctity of marriage, and this is one of the reasons why they want to get married in the future.

‘A lasting relationship is not based on a piece of paper’

With wedding plans set in their respective timelines, Chaya and Bettina say they are not expecting any major changes happening in their lives after tying the knot. “We think deciding on spending our lives with each other and raising a family should be enough of a commitment. A piece of paper won't make a difference to that promise but the government and institutions will see us legally together,” reflects Chaya.

“I don’t think there would be major shifts in our relationship and it’s probably because we decided to live together first before actually tying the knot,” explains Bettina. If anything, their set-up gave them an advantage of knowing early on how the other approaches important aspects of marriage from sharing the load of household tasks to managing finances, she expounds.

Bettina says, her arrangement with Ino has only made her realize that relationships—and parenthood—take a lot of work. “I now realize why some first-time parents don’t end up getting married or decide to separate. Relationships take a lot of work and navigating parenthood is a whole other level—it takes a different kind of patience, humility, understanding, grace, and forgiveness.”

She emphasized that there is no need to apologize for anything as long as partners know that they are doing what is best for their family. “As long as it’s not hurting or causing inconvenience to anyone, keep doing you!”

For her part, Chaya believes that having a lasting relationship or being a good parent is not based on a piece of paper. She adds that it helps that the people that surround them have an open mind and have not made an issue out of her set-up with Adam.

“I find the quality of parenting and what will happen to the relationship doesn't lie on a piece of paper as marriages evolve and, occasionally, disintegrate. We are just so lucky we are great partners in parenting and raising a loving boy who will hopefully be a good member of society,” she concludes.

Has your child witnessed a fight between you and your partner? Read this article to know what your child needs to hear from you when you argue.