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  • 'My Husband Went On A Dating App Dahil Kulang Raw Siya Sa Attention Ko'

    The mom is pregnant, working from home, and looking after their toddler.
    by Kitty Elicay .
'My Husband Went On A Dating App Dahil Kulang Raw Siya Sa Attention Ko'
PHOTO BY iStock
  • For some couples, the enhanced community quarantine was a chance to reconnect and spend more quality time as a family. But for others, the forced constant togetherness is putting a strain on their relationship.

    Moms who are experiencing hardships during quarantine find it difficult to get help, especially if the cause of their stress is right there with them. At times like this, our #SPConfessions can be a source of comfort — a safe space where they can freely express their thoughts without the fear of judgment.

    On our email, a pregnant mom reached out to us hoping to vent her frustrations after finding out that her husband had installed the dating app Tinder to talk to women. She writes, “I just want to share my story sa inyo dito. Wala akong ibang mapag-kwentuhan. The pain is killing me.”

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    My husband is using Tinder

    “I’m 7 months pregnant and we have a toddler. I just found out my husband is using Tinder. Chineck ko and I saw madami siyang mina-match and china-chat. I don’t usually check his phone, pero this time, may kutob ako, and ‘di nga ako nagkamali. Nakikipag-usap siya dun. He even installed Viber, siguro para dun ituloy ang conversations nila?

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    “The moment I found out, nag-break down ako. Tinanong ko bakit siya nag-ganun. Nakikipag-usap lang daw siya, wala namang meet-up. Pero who knows? Ngayon, magkalayo kami since sa office sila mag-s-stay dahil sa COVID-19.

    “He said nagawa niya ‘yun dahil kulang siya sa attention ko. ‘Di daw ako nakikinig sa kanya at marami pang ibang reason.

    Work from home ako — I work full time and I look after our toddler. Ang hirap, thinking na aalis ulit siya for work. Napapraning ako, I can’t concentrate at work pero ayaw ko ring mapabayaan ‘yung anak namin.

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    “I’ve been cheated on. It was my ex-boyfriend before I met him. When he came, I shared the story of my pain, ‘yung struggles ko kasi lagi kong iniisip non, ‘saan ako nagkulang, anong mali sakin?’ Para aware siya na ‘wag niya sanang iparamdam ulit sa’kin ‘yun if ever magkatuluyan kami.

    “One time sinabi ko, ‘Kung lolokohin mo ‘ko, ‘di ko kayang mag-sama ulit tayo.’ Nag-sorry siya, aayusin daw naming for our children’s sake. Kaso ayokong pagdaanan ulit ‘yung stress and takot. Kahit maging okay kami, hindi na ata ako maaalisan ng hinala. Ayokong i-check ang phone niya lagi, ayokong maging toxic.

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    “I want him out of our house. Ayoko rin siyang makita ngayon. Ayoko pa siyang makasama, lalo na ayoko muna marinig ang explanations niya at pilitin ako na patawarin ko siya.

    “I feel sorry for our unborn child. Sa dami ng naiyak ko, feeling ko nararamdaman niyang unwanted siya ngayon. Pati toddler ko, nakikita akong umiiyak at ginagaya niya ako.

    “Mommies, please help. It hurts so much. What should I do now?”

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    When harmless messages become a form of cheating

    The definition of cheating is relative depending on who you ask but infidelity can happen even in happy relationships. According to relationship expert and therapist Esther Perel, cheating isn’t about looking for something that you partner cannot provide, but rather it has to do with fulfilling your desire — and it’s not always about sex.

    In a previous SmartParenting.com.ph article, actress Maricar Reyes recalls on her blog, RelationshipMatters.ph, a time when she unwittingly committed “emotional cheating,” by exchanging harmless text messages with a man named “Steve” (not his real name) right around the time she and her boyfriend then were having problems.

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    “I didn’t want to admit it back then, but Steve’s messages weren’t ordinary to me. May konting kilig, so I felt guilty,” Maricar writes. “I was becoming emotionally tangled with Steve. Looking back, this wasn’t’a s harmless as I thought.”

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    Emotional cheating is described as “an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex that you keep a secret from your spouse,” according to Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs.

    Maricar, who is married to singer Richard Poon shares that her previous experience made her realize how vulnerable individuals are to “feel-good emotions like kilig.” It has served as a lesson for her especially in guarding her marriage “against increasing levels of emotional attachment to another person, especially in a committed relationship.”

    Her advice? Tell your spouse. “Admitting the truth makes the kilig emotions less powerful. Hiding it from each other makes them stronger,” she says.

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    Of course, finding the strength to trust your partner once this has been revealed, and moving on from the issue is a different matter altogether. If you were in the pregnant mom’s shoes, what will you do?

    Can you move on after your partner has cheated? Click here for the ways you can rebuild your marriage.

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