‘Nakabukod Pero Sa Kanila Ang Bahay,’ A Mom’s Dilemma With In-Laws

Leave and cleave is one of the most common pieces of advice given to newlywed couples. Living separately from both sets of parents, or pagbubukod, is often considered as one of the cornerstones for a harmonious relationship. Its concept is simple: having your own home allows the couple to establish their own rules and boundaries, and even their own values and traditions. However, do factors such as home ownership and physical separation matter? How can it affect the couple’s decisions when it comes to their family?

One member of the Smart Parenting Village posed this question to the community. She wrote in her post, “I often see posts about pagbubukod ng mag-asawa sa simula pa lang ng pagsasama nila. Maganda at matiwasay naman talaga ang magiging pagsasama kapag ang mag-asawa ay nakabukod at may sariling tahanan.”

She then shared her family’s situation wherein they are living apart from their family but their home is owned by their parents. “Pero paano kung nakabukod nga pero ang tinitirahan naman ay galing pa rin sa mga magulang? May mga desisyon pa rin sa sariling pamilya na minsan ay pinapakialaman. At minsan, may mga salita pa na may kasamang panunumbat sa pagpapalaki at pagpapaaral sa mga anak at ipaparinig pa mismo sa iyo pati sa ibang tao na ang tinitirahan niyong mag-asawa ay galing sa kanila?” she asked.

Independence and handling the in-laws

Navigating the complexities of independence while also dealing with in-law influence can be challenging. And it is a common problem for families, as seen in the insights and experiences other parents shared in the community. Here are a few insights and tips in the comments:

Fully “leave and cleave”

One member’s comment reads, “Galing kami sa ganyang situation, hindi siya technically bukod because hindi sa inyo ang bahay. In our case, nag-hanap kami talaga ng place na matatawag naming sa amin, kahit renta lang. Malaking bahay to establish healthy boundaries sa parents and in-laws.”

Another parent shared, “Bumukod in all aspects. Mag-rent if hindi kaya mag-own pa ng bahay. Bumukod sa malayong lugar from both sides. Bumukod financially, walang ambag both sides.”

“Hindi maiiwasan na pakialaman nila kayo kung sa kanila yung tinitirahan niyo,” another said. “Only solution is totally bumukod, yung wala silang panghahawakan sa inyo. That way, kayo lang talaga ang magdedesisyon para sa pamilya niyo.”

Another comment reads, “Una pa lang, it’s hard to make a decision knowing na you’re indebted to them dahil libre ang pagtira niyo sa bahay nila. May part pa rin na may say sila lalo na sa mismong bahay na inyong tinitirahan. Usually, tatanggapin niyo na lang lahat dahil if not, masasabihan nanaman kayo ng kung ano-ano.”

These comments highlight the importance of finding a place you can truly call your own, even if it means renting, and relying on one’s own financial resources to avoid any undue influence.

Mental and emotional separation

“Pagbubukod ay hindi lang physically. Kasama rin ang ibang aspects like mentally and emotionally,” another comment reads, emphasizing that separation is not just physical. “The fact that this bothers you means hindi talaga kayo naka-bukod na mag-asawa. The only solution is to look for another house where you will be the Queen,” which highlights the need for mental and emotional independence.

When it comes to unwanted advice, another parent said, “On opinions naman, learn to filter kung ano yung dapat na pakinggan at ano yung dapat hindi pansinin na katoxican.” Establishing your own space can help create clear boundaries and reduce interference.

Standing on your own feet

Another member simply stated, “Ang pagubukod, ay pagtayo sa sariling mga paa. Hangga’t hindi niyo fully salo ang sariling pamilya at nakadepende pa rin sa bigay o pahiram ng magulang, hindi iyan pagbubukod. Wala kayo peace of mind at patuloy kayong nakatali sa utang na loob.”

“I suppose as long as sa kanila galing, you are indebted,” another parent said. “Mas maayos talaga na magsimula sa sariling kakayahan. There is nothing wrong in renting and starting from nothing.”

These comments emphasize that true independence means relying fully on oneself with no help whatsoever from one’s parents or family.

Focus on the positive

“Be busy and productive, be thankful sa mga blessings. Marami ang gusto magkaroon ng libreng tahanan pero hindi biniyayaan,” one parent said, offering a different perspective on the anonymous poster’s situation. “That negativity won’t even be an issue and won’t take up much of your bandwidth if you have a grateful heart sa lahat n good things you were blessed with. Minsan kasi mas nagfofocus tayo sa negativities kasa sa magandang bagay. Kapag ganito mag-iip, kahit saan ka lumipat, may makikita at makikita ka na naman na negative or mairereklamo.”

“Hindi mo makokontrol ang ibang tao sa kung ano ang iisipin at sasabihin nila,” the comment further reads. “Pero ang kaya mong kontrolin ay yung sarili mo, kung paano mo gagamitin ang iyong time and energy sa mga mas nakakabuti at makakapagpasaya sa iyo.”

Be financially-savvy

Another comment further highlighted the importance of saving, planning, and being financially-savvy once you have your own family, saying, “Bakit may panunumbat? Dahil ayaw niyo pumayag sa mga gusto nila so gusto nila kontrolin ang buhay niyo? Mag-ipon kayo at bumukod ng sarili.”

Dealing with in-law influence while trying to establish an independent family life can be challenging, but it is not impossible. By setting clear boundaries, seeking financial independence, and maintaining a positive outlook, you can create a harmonious and autonomous environment for your family. Remember, true independence comes from standing on your own feet and making decisions that are best for your immediate family. With patience and strategic planning, you can navigate these complexities and build a peaceful and fulfilling family life.

Read here for a “pagbukod starter pack.”