Nowadays, pornography is everywhere. Accessing porn is easier than ever before. The Oxford Dictionary defines pornography as: "printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings." Men and women alike can be the predators of the pornography market.
Pornography has been normalized by a lot of parents and married couples—
stating that this promotes body positivity, sex education, and increased satisfaction among couples. However, this article posits that porn posits more harm and damage than good in our relationships.
We asked the perspective of moms and dads at the Smart Parenting Village, a Facebook group of over 106,000 Filipino parents whether watching porn is normal between married couples. Many responded that it is normal, while a few argued that it is not right to do it.
Parents weigh in: Is watching porn normal?
A mom shares her two cents on whether watching porn affects her relationship, "The answer is up to you. Is it wrong? For me, and again this is for me, it’s not. This could be a bonding experience actually. You can watch it together and who knows, it could be a satisfying and enjoyable experience for both of you to explore intimacy even further."
She added, "These things are sometimes kept behind closed doors because of fear na ma-judge due to many factors when we were growing up. Take this opportunity to be as open as you want when it comes to your intimacy with your partner. This is also a way to tell your partner that you are his/her safe space, which could also lead to greater trust and honesty, confidence, and openness.”
One dad shared his view on viewing porn, "So many divorces in the U.S. were caused by porn. It's one of the ultimate disrespects for your spouse. Never tolerate your spouse's porn-watching.”
Watching porn can harm your marriage, relationship—studies
There are several studies that show that watching porn can harm your marriages and relationships in different ways:
1. It can lead to habit formation.
Micro habits are minor components of a more significant habit. What can start with just occasional online viewing can affect the brain and lead to addiction. Once we get accustomed to a particular habit because we believe it's normal, it could become part of our system. Read this article about micro-cheating.
2. It has adverse effects on the entire family system.
In the book, Helping Those Struggling with a Pornography Habit: An introduction to the brain science of addiction, its negative effects, and therapy models for change, it states three significant adverse effects of pornography, which are: (a) It teaches objectification; (b) It impacts children; and (c) It impacts marriage and family because it demands isolation, privacy, and personality changes.
If children observe us normalizing pornography, they might become curious about it. This can lead to unrealistic beliefs about sex and consent, negative attitudes toward relationship roles and identities, and unrealistic expectations regarding body image and sexual performance.
3. It can lead to a lack of communication.
A fellow mom once told me that porn is normalized between her and her husband. They used to enjoy doing it together. However, one time, she shared that her husband suddenly doesn't want to communicate with her. He would no longer speak up whenever they argue or when problems arise. Could their habit of watching porn together caused this?
In an article by Jared Hawkins, an assistant professor at Utah State University, he cited several researches that pornography use often leads to problems in couple relationships, including "diminished trust, lower relationship quality, and a decline in long-term sexual satisfaction." He suggested that being honest about one's porn use and having open communication can manage this.
4. It can affect your mental health.
Dopamine is crucial in the brain's reward system and is released during enjoyable activities, including watching porn. Engaging in these activities triggers dopamine release, generating feelings of pleasure and reward. However, with excessive consumption, one can develop a tolerance to dopamine, which can rewire the brain and decrease dopamine levels. Experts say that with prolonged and excessive consumption of porn, one can develop a tolerance to dopamine.
This means that over time, the same amount of pornography will no longer produce the same level of pleasure, leading individuals to seek out more extreme content to achieve the same dopamine high. This cycle can contribute to addiction, negatively impacting mental health, personal relationships, and overall well-being.
Mom shares how her spouse taught her to avoid porn
It takes conviction to avoid pornography in the household. Dorcas Brion, the content creator mom behind the Facebook page, Bibong Pinay, recently shared how her husband taught her to abstain from viewing intimate and sexual scenes from shows.
“Nung bagong kasal kami ni Mark, akala ko naman graduate na ako sa mga biglang pagtakip ng mata. Aba yung asawa ko, hindi lang tinatakpan mata ko, finoforward pa nya yung mga sex scene para di na namin mapanood.
"Sa loob-loob ko, ang kill joy naman nito. Napaka old-fashioned. Adult naman na kami. Pwede na kaming manood ng malaswa.
She then shared how her husband explained his actions, "He said, because men are created by God as sexual beings (tayo kasing mga babae emotional beings), ayaw daw niyang merong ibang babae na pumapasok sa isip niya. Kung meron daw siyang pagpapantasyahan, ako lang daw yun. OA na kung OA pero that’s our conviction."
Mommy Dorcas further emphasized, "Kapag nga nakaputing damit tayo at puting rubber shoes, ingat na ingat tayong wag madumihan eh. Eh di dapat mas lalo tayong maingat na wag madumihan ang mga isip natin kasi everything starts in the mind."
"Porn? Basura yan. 'Wag magpapasok nyan sa buhay mo kung ayaw mong bumaho at mabulok," she concluded.
At the end of the day, it will depend on the values of the couple and whether they will allow access to porn in their household. Although some argue that it can enhance intimacy and promote body positivity, there is so much evidence that suggests pornography can have detrimental effects on individuals and relationships.
Our mind is like a garden, and our thoughts are its seeds. These little seeds can grow into something bigger. Although the world is changing its norms, we can always take the road less travelled and that is by differing our values, where family and belongingness, true love and affection, and faith-based homes are our guiding principles.
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