Parents On Micro-Cheating: Heart Reacts And Deleted Chats

If there’s one thing that can easily trigger us to extreme anger in the middle of this extreme heat, it’s cheating. It’s a common theme in our TV shows, there’s always a trending video on our social media feeds, and Facebook groups are filled with women seeking advice on handling partners caught in compromising situations. These cheating acts that drive us to rage are usually blatant, physical acts of affection such as holding hands, kissing, or even sex. But is the term “cheating” confined to just such explicit acts? Do we need to catch our partner kissing someone else to justify our anger?

The reality is that people don’t simply end up in bed with someone out of nowhere, it doesn’t start with a kiss done while in a committed relationship just for the thrill. It begins subtly, just like any relationship. Perhaps it could be a reaction or comment on social media, which leads to a chat, then to a meetup, escalating to regular interactions, and potentially to a relationship outside the committed one.

These small actions that suggest a person is emotionally or physically focused on someone outside of their partnership is what some people term as “micro-cheating.” But what exactly is micro-cheating? Is it as destructive as outright cheating? And does it deserve the same amount of anger we direct at cheating?

What is micro-cheating?

Micro-cheating includes actions that may not be outright or explicit cheating but can indicate a lack of commitment or interest in one’s current relationship. Relationship coaches and Smart Parenting Mom Squad member Love Cosio and husband, Dreus Cosio said in a TikTok video that it includes behaviors such as “nag-delete ka ng conversation na hindi alam ng asawa mo,” and “yung kahit sinabihan ka na ng asawa mo, hindi siya comfortable, nag-fo-follow ka pa rin, nag-la-like ka pa rin, nag-co-comment ka pa rin sa mga tao.”

As Dreus points out, “So anything that hurts your married life, anything that puts your marriage at risk, stop na natin yan.” Love stresses the importance of transparency and honesty in any relationship, “Lahat, ilabas mo na into the light at huwag nang magtago para walang secret inyong married life.”

We also posed the same question on Smart Parenting Village, our community of over 100,000+ parents, and here are the acts that they consider micro-cheating.

Common acts considered as micro-cheating

1. Secret communications

Similar to what the Cosios highlighted, a number of parents also commented the same thing, deleting conversations or messages, calls, and browsing data can be a red flag. One parent said, “Deleting conversations, lalo na kapag burado lahat sa inbox and messenger. Bakit ang sipag mag-delete?” Another remarked, “Deleted conversations, automatic may tinatago na.” Another cited a quite similar act, hiding one’s phone to limit access, “Hindi mo makita kung saan nakalapag ang phone, either nasa bulsa or nakatago sa paningin mo at naka-silent.”

2. Inappropriate social media behavior

Social media engagements and interactions might seem trivial to some, but consistent and excessive likes or comments can be problematic. Bibong Pinay, a mommy influencer who also posted her thoughts on micro-cheating discussed this, noting, “Wala naman cheating na nagstart sa date agad or sex agad or relationship agad… Lahat yan nagsisimula sa mga small move like long chats, stalking , papuso-puso, pa-comment-comment, pareu-reunion, catch-up kuno, pa-angkas-angkas…Habit yan eh. Bad habit that we need to unlearn… Pero kung nagawa mong pumuso, mag-stalk, magpantasya sa ibang babae other than your wife, then you are gearing yourself [up] for a great disaster.” Highlighting the fact that such dismissable “small acts” can lead to more serious acts.

3. Emotional betrayal

Several moms consider emotional betrayal or emotional infidelity as micro-cheating, such as sharing frustrations about one’s partner with another person, particularly of the opposite sex. One parent shared, “Bawat conflict, argument or anything he doesn’t like about you, nag-ra-rant or sinasabi sa ibang babae. This is such a disloyal move.”

4. Prioritizing someone else

Several parents also view actions that give priority to someone else other than one’s partner as suspicious. One parent said, “You only have one spouse (unless ibang religion). You should treat him/her like a spouse and you are not supposed to treat someone else [similarly]. The moment na gawin mo sa opposite sex [the same way] ng pagtrato mo sa asawa mo, cheating na yun.”

“Yung gumagawa or nagbibigay ng favor sa opposite sex pero hindi mo pwede malaman, [like] nagpapautang kay kumare, sinasabay sa pag-uwi or pagpasok si ka-work,” another parent said. “Yung palaging pagod, gusto nang magpahinga pagka-uwi, pero always available magpuyat para sumagot sa mga chat ni workmate.

“Nag-invite ng lunch together, coffee after work ng sila lang dalawa pero iba ang paalam na gagawin sa iyo.

“Yung sasama sa team building or gala after work, pero [sa] bus exclusive [na] sila lang dalawa ang magkausap at magkasama.

“Yung hindi bale nang ma-late siya ng uwi kahit pagod kuno sa work pero importante na maihatid si workmate sa bahay galing sa party.

“Yung may second account tapos doon din nakikipag-usap nang madalas. Or nag-join sa group or naglalaro ng mobile games at doon sila nagku-kwentuhan magdamag.

“Kapag magkasama sila, si girl ‘touchy’ sa kanya, tapos si guy naman eh lahat ng suot o ayos ni girl eh pinapansin niya, yung feeling pa ‘concerned guardian’ siya kay girl.”

5. Secret acts

As the Cosios emphasized the importance of honesty, for some parents, any act kept from a partner is considered micro-cheating, or even outright cheating. It’s as simple as, “Anything that he tries to hide from you is cheating.”

Set your boundaries

For most parents, establishing clear and healthy boundaries is crucial for any marriage, as one parent emphasized, “You are not supposed to treat someone else in the same way as how you treat your spouse.” Along with honesty and communication, as Love said, “Yung kahit na sinabihan ka na ng asawa mo [na] hindi siya comfortable,” and yet, you still do it anyway, is a disrespectful thing to do.

Bibong Pinay in her post, strongly advocates for the same and preventive measures, “Tandaan, ‘prevention is better than cure.’ Healthy boundaries are good. Mahalaga yan lalo na sa buhay mag-asawa. Pag-usapan niyong mag-asawa ang tungkol dito, magkasundo kayo and be clear sa expectation niyo sa isa’t isa. Don’t cross the line or else magugulat ka nalang nasa kabilang side ka na.”

Ultimately, while micro-cheating may not involve physical acts of betrayal (yet), its impact on relationships can be just as devastating. And while some might already view these actions as outright cheating, others may argue they aren’t, since they do not involve physical affection or betrayal. However, recognizing and openly discussing these subtle and and often dismissible actions is crucial for maintaining trust and integrity in a relationship. As most parents highlight, it’s the secrecy and intent behind certain acts that often causes harm.

Read here for ways to build security in marriage.