Is the Spark Gone After Kids? Parents Say ‘Nope!’

Marriage is an evolving relationship that goes through seasons, each requiring different strategies and approaches. At first, it’s the honeymoon stage when everything is romantic, light, and easy. Next, it’s the seven-year itch, and suddenly, everything is confusing and annoying.

It’s not easy, and the next thing you know, you’ve reached the “housemate” phase. There’s no more intimacy, sweetness, or romance. You talk to each other because of the kids, the overflowing to-do lists, and responsibilities. 

We asked parents from Smart Parenting Village, an online community of over 100,000 parents, how they maintain their intimate time with their spouses, despite life’s challenges.

“Put love in your calendar,” Love Cosio, Smart Parenting Squad member and marriage coach, pointed out first.

She explained, “Remember that before being parents, you are husband and wife first, which means your marriage is important. Yes, we get it. You have numerous tasks waiting for you every day, but you need to make time for them. Random sexy time can be fun and exciting, but once filled with children and house responsibilities, it will just become a hope someday. It is also good to be intentional about it.”

Heidi Espinosa shared, “Scheduling is the key. It helps especially pag pareho kayong pagod sa trabaho or negosyo. If you set a schedule, it gives you something to look forward to after a tiring day.”

An anonymous mom of a toddler and newborn, “Weekly, kada rest day ni hubby. Dapat quota 1 or 2 times, at least.”

Jennifer Estil explained in detail how they overcame their challenge in intimacy, “Problem namin ito ng husband ko for a year. It even escalated into a massive fight that lasted for a month. Kaya, we set up and agreed on a system—yes, system talaga!”

She continued, “First, we agreed to hire a nanny, stay-out. Para we’ll have a scheduled time sa afternoon na kami lang for 5-6 days a week. Our son is three years old, and he loves to visit the clubhouse and playground. Si nanny yung kasama niya. This way, we can manage our energy for work, parenting, house chores, and marriage. PLUS, important na stay out siya para nakakakilos din kami ng gusto namin sa bahay kasi kami kami lang.”

“Second, we have our calendars checked. WFH kami both, and madami ding video calls. Soooo hindi basta basta pwede maglandian lang. We block time sa calendar para walang calls, and we use that to have dates, intimacy, and sex.”

“Third, it starts waaaayyy before we get to the bed. We agreed that we’ll hug, kiss, show affection, talk, and care for each other multiple times a day. And this keeps as romantic and in love sa isa’t isa bago ang kama aksyunan.”

“Fourth, syempre may mga tampuhan at away talaga. We also agreed to talk. Most importantly, talk about the difficult conversations. Dito ako mas hirap compared sa kanya, kasi I tend to be silent and go non-verbal kapag may argument kami. (Yes, I have Autism + ADHD.) We agreed that we need to talk and even cry things out together. Kasi kapag hindi, hindi lang intimacy and sex masisira—marriage na talaga.”

“Lastly, we tell each other how much we love each other, constantly. Being creative with 'I love you’s'—like 'sarap mong kayakap,' 'masaya akong masaya ka,' or even 'I bought Burger King for you.' So far, this is what works for us. Not perfectly, but it works. And since it works, the bed action becomes natural na lang! That’s the easiest part, to be honest,” Jennifer shared.

Love emphasized another advice: be creative. She said, “Go on regular couple dates. If you do not have someone to watch over your kids, you can stay up late after putting them to sleep so you can enjoy your 'we time’."

“Desiring your spouse can, at times, need to be also intentional. When your eyes begin to see a father, a mother, a hard working mom/dad, or a tired partner that is not in their best get-up, you need to remember the time that when you were starting, the just woke up or 'I’m in my house, no style,  get up' also turned you on.”

She added, “Intimacy is not just an act. Whether it’s sex or that exchange of thoughts and emotions. Intimacy is a beautiful communication of needs. How do you want to be touched, cared for, and felt, and give in to that. “

“If there has been none, see the power of a few seconds or a minute of 'lambing’, or best yet 'landi second’.  It will not take you more than 30 seconds to initiate a kiss on the nape, or touch with loving malice to your spouse. Then nod to confirm the intention. If it works, then go prepare for the moment later,” Mommy Love shared.

An anonymous mom shared their secret, “Believe it or not, despite having three kids and being married for 6 years, nag-check in pa din kami ni mister sa motel weekly para sa 'quality time.’ Kasi sa house namin, round the clock, kahit sa gabi, katabi namin ang bunso so walang time and walang pwesto. So when we stay in a motel, kahit few hours lang, meron kaming alone time together na walang istorbo and walang iniisip.”

On the other hand, Flordeliza Cristuta-Rodriguez openly shared how they get creative, “Sometimes nasisingit ng weekdays, pero weekends talaga pag tulog na lahat ng tao, lalo at may 6 and 4 years old kami.”

She continued, “We flirt a lot. Like every day. We always say I love you. Umaga, tanghali gabi. We kiss and hug whenever we get a chance. May hipuan at pasilip na nagaganap anytime we feel like it. Almost 8 years and para pa rin kaming teenagers na nasa honeymoon stage.”

“The ‘romansa’ doesn't start 10 minutes before the deed or when you're about to take off your clothes. The romance is a constant buildup to create sexual tension. My hubby's love language is touch, mine is acts of service. Once we both feel fulfilled, nako talaga. Wala na makakapigil sa aming dalawa.”

She also added, “It is the feeling of being wanted, kaya hindi mahirap makipag-make love. It makes me giddy and excited. Ang taba ko pa nito dala ng postpartum body and stress sa work, but my hubby doesn't make me feel like less of a woman.”

Rolyn Adriatico jokingly shared some advice, “Magtampuhan po kayo ni mister para mas intimate ang s*x.”

Aila DG admits she’s the one who often initiates their intimate time, “Sinabi ko naman na sa kanya, nag-iinit ulo ko pag walang ganon (eme!)”

She tends to be more creative, too, “Minsan bumibili ako ng mga for romance. Chocolate, jelly shot o anything na makakapagpa-hype.”

Being creative also involves setting up the bedroom for romance, like using aromatic candles and soft music. Flower petals and romantic setups are not just for anniversaries and special celebrations; they can spice up things in the bedroom!

If you’re still looking for creative ways to show your spouse love, why not try massaging each other? It’ll help to relax your mind and body, and warm up for the special moment together.

When you’re feeling a little more adventurous, relive your relationship’s hottest moments. Try going to one of your old ‘romantic spots’ and recreate the magic there.

As Jennifer Estil said, “It starts waaaayyy before we get to the bed.” Parents agree that intimacy doesn’t begin in the bedroom—it starts with the connection and buildup that happens long before.

Love shares how to do it: “Send your spouse SMS or signals to anticipate the 'we time' moment. Prepare and align your schedule. Make sure both of you are physically and emotionally prepared before the ‘D day!’ Allow and welcome small gestures of intimacy at any time of day when they are given. A hug, a cute “gigil” tap or “pisil”, that look, that smile, that body press, or kiss. Whatever way you both communicate it to each other.”

Antonetter Velasco’s set up with her husband gives them time for build-up, “Weekly ang uwian ni husband. Dapat sa chat pa lang maglandian na para pag-uwi alam na. ”

Kei Ko also does this with her husband, “Create a date day since everything is scheduled these days. From the moment you wake up, flirt with each other, building intensity, to the date night itself. Always flirt with your respective partners.”

Preparing in advance also involves proper foreplay. According to Dr. George Lee, a urologist, foreplay ramps up arousal and builds that sweet, magnetic connection, while getting your body primed for pleasure. Foreplay doesn’t have to start just before the main event! Send a flirty text, leave a surprise note, or send a photo (if you know, you know). Little gestures like these are sure to drive your partner wild.

Other parents share that the game-changer for their intimate time is a fresh perspective.

An anonymous parent said, “No emotional connection means it's harder to connect physically (intimacy).” That’s why they make it their priority to connect emotionally first, “You have to set the tone early in the day pa lang. Compliment each other and be of service din para good mood lahat. Avoid the asaran na nakakasira ng mood because it will really affect lalo na sa wife.”

Shifting their perspective from purely physical intimacy to also fulfilling emotional needs helped them become more intentional in their relationship. 

Love also added, “Do not forget to thank your spouse for every great moment, and have it again. Tell each other how it made you feel and how it helped your connection as a couple.”

Shalom Grace shared another fresh perspective: “Everything’s changed for me and my husband now that we have put God first in our marriage. There shouldn’t be any conditions as to when and what to do to spice things up. Iba lang talaga yung love and passion when you know how valuable sex is between married couples, because God already validated it. Ayun yung peak ng sex life na hindi matutumbasan ng kahit anong ritual or foreplay, it just comes out naturally kasi sobrang blessed mo pala na may asawa ka na pinahintulutan ni God na gawin niyo yung bagay na yun. Ganun yung feeling. And see how you're burning with passion for each other.”

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