We all totally agree on this: intimacy is important for any marriage. Whether it’s physical or emotional closeness, it's an aspect of your relationship you can't neglect.
But while this might be a priority at the start of your marriage, once the kids come into the picture, many of you admit that your relationship as husband and wife often takes a back seat. In fact, a recent study reveals that parents aren’t having as much sex as they were a decade ago. And in an anonymous survey conducted by SmartParenting.com.ph, Filipino moms who do get to sneak in “sexy time” twice a week admit it’s not as fun as it used to be, implying it wasn't as perfunctory as it is now with the kids.
So if there is any gift you as a couple deserve (and you don't have to wait for Christmas to get it!), it's spending time together — yes, just the two of you. How often? One expert advises that you should “commit to a sex date at least once a week.”
That advice is coming from Dr. Laura Berman, a renowned sex and relationship educator and therapist based in the US, during an interview with Popsugar.
“We think it’s supposed to be like it was in the beginning of the relationship when we were just going down on each other all the time, but it doesn’t happen,” Dr. Berman tells Popsugar. “Yet, when you do make it a priority and invest in it, it becomes something really fun and special between the two of you.”
Her tip should work for Pinay moms who revealed in our survey that the moment you have kids, everything has to be organized including your time for sex. And that's okay because it's not just the act that's important but the connection you have as a couple.
“Our findings suggest that it's important to maintain an intimate connection with your partner, but you don't need to have sex every day as long as you're maintaining that connection,” said lead researcher Amy Muise, a social psychologist and postdoctoral fellow at the University of Toronto-Mississauga in the U.S.
While previous research has suggested that couples who have sex once a week are the happiest, let's face it: It is still pressure to do the deed especially when you are both exhausted. That's why the idea of scheduling sex might be a great idea. Sure, it doesn't sound romantic, but you can't deny that having something to look forward sounds attractive.
“Once you start making time for sex, it creates an opportunity to get a little more flirty with each other, “ Dr. Berman tells Popsugar.
Having a schedule builds excitement because you're anticipating that something good will happen between the two of you at a particular point in time. It also gives you a chance to ready yourself emotionally — if you wake up and you’re not in the mood for lovemaking, you can find ways to turn yourself on before you and hubby actually have sex.
Most importantly, you can take the unnecessary pressure off of having to please each other sexually on other days and instead focus on doing other intimate acts like cuddling or kissing, which are also important in maintaining your connection. (Studies also show that cuddling, especially after sex, contribute to overall life happiness!)
Married sex should be fun and good, but it shouldn't be up to your partner to make you want to have sex. Satisfaction comes when you’re both willing to make an effort to tease and please each other.
Now that you’ve established that you need a routine, how do you follow through with it? Here are some ways:
1. Sneak around. Even if you’ve scheduled a weekly romp, the reality is, it won't be as easy to do the deed especially with the kids around. According to Smart Parenting's survey, pleasuring each other isn't confined to the bedroom — it's more exciting when you get a little creative, like doing a quickie in the bathroom or getting sneaky inside the car!
2. Turn each other on. Having a regular sex date means you have all the other days in the week to tease each other and build up the tension. Exchange flirty texts or Viber him a sexy photo of you while he's at work. This is when sexting is so right, people! That'll definitely boost his performance — at work and in the bedroom.
3. Do it in the morning. According to our survey, Pinay moms find it hard to have sex because many of their kids co-sleep with them. One mom's solution? Make love in the morning before the kids wake up! Think of it as your breakfast.
4. Be honest. If it's hard for you to get in the mood, our survey respondents say that you should "be vocal about what gives you pleasure and what does not." Don't be afraid to tell your partner how you feel — it will give you more room to explore what it takes to turn each other on.
5. Experiment. Doing the deed weekly shouldn't feel like a chore, so make sure to spice things up to keep things from getting monotonous. Here's another suggestion from our survey respondents: Don't be shy about getting a little "help" in the bedroom with lube or toys. Not only will it increase intimacy, it's also a chance for you and your partner to let go of any inhibitions. Don't know where to start? Click here.