Galit Agad? 5 Ways Parents Can Trigger Their Child's Anger Without Realizing It

Have you ever fallen victim to your child’s unpredictable mood swings? That instance where one moment both of you are laughing gleefully, then the next moment your child’s having a full-blown tantrum? Or one minute you’re conversing and the next, your child is sulking in the room? Here’s a thought, rather than dismissing it as another of your child’s unpredictable mood swings, consider that you, as a parent, might be accidentally triggering your child’s anger.

Dr. Jazmine McCoy (The Mom Psychologist), a clinical psychologist, author, and parent educator, recently posted a video on her YouTube channel discussing ways parents might be triggering their kids’ anger without realizing it.

Dr. Jazmine starts her video by saying that most of the parenting information we devour is focused on our children – on how to raise them right, how to get them to cooperate, how to teach them to handle their emotions, all with the goal of raising healthy, respectful, and resilient kids. And there’s nothing wrong with that. However, parents should also be willing to look at themselves and understand how their own personalities contribute to their families' dynamics.

She says, “There are so many ways that we as parents accidentally, without meaning to, trigger our child’s anger.”

“When we can take an honest look at the ways in which our behavior, our choices, the things that we say actually contribute to our child’s big feelings, then we are going to inadvertently continue the cycle.”

Here are some ways you might be triggering your child’s anger without meaning to:

1. You are inconsistent

It has always been said that kids thrive on routines, and this includes common patterns or ground rules we implement around our home and day-to-day life. And being inconsistent with our own rules, meaning the same act is not OK on some days and OK on others, might just drive our kids to anger. Dr. Jazmine cites this simple example: “One day we’re OK with our child jumping on the couch and another day, it completely sets us off and we’re like, stop playing.”

She recommends, “Start to look at your routine, start to look at the common patterns that show up and ask yourself, is there anywhere that I’m being confusing or inconsistent?”

However, she also clarifies that it is still OK for parents to change their mind or change the rules, depending on the context and situation. But the key is parents should be honest about the said changes and reasons for it to their kids.

“Just be honest with your child about it, like tell them out loud, I know that this is different, right? I know that this is a little different than the way we did it before and I understand why this can be upsetting, right?

In other words, we should acknowledge that the changes might be confusing and their feelings about it are valid. Supporting them as they adapt to it is “going to go a long way in helping them understand the world around them and overall… Manage their big emotions that come from change.”

“Transitions and change is hard, it’s stressful, especially for young kids who don’t have the worldview that we have. So we always just want to be mindful of the ways in which we’re changing our approach to match different situations and contexts.”

2. You have a harsh tone and harsh energy

Aside from being intentional with what we are saying, we should also be mindful of how we say it or deliver it, and even the emotions or energy we might be bringing into the situation.

“If we want a calmer, more patient child, we have to embody that outselves. And it doesn’t mean that we’re always perfect, but just be mindful if your child is having a hard time controlling their emotions. If they’re very upset and angry, take a step back and ask yourself, ‘Well, what is the energy I am bringing to this situation?’”

This might be a hard thing to do especially if the situation in question is an emotionally-charged one. But Dr. Jazmine says that awareness is key. If we are aware of our own emotions then we should also have the presence of mind to thing, step back, pause and calm ourselves.

“Try to cultivate your ideal self into those moments but you have to first be aware of the energy that you’re bringing so that you can turn things around.”

In other words, if your child is already emotional and angry, do not get emotional and anrgy as well. Try to keep your emotions in check before interacting with them.

3. You are not specific on what you want them to do

I’m guilty of this. It’s always: “Do you need to go to the potty? Can you please eat more? Can you please give me your dirty laundry? Can you please put on your shoes, now?”

Dr. Jazmine is right in saying that most of the time, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. “It’s just part of our language a lot of the times because we don’t want to feel mean. We don’t want to feel like a dictator, like do this and do that, right?”

But this can confuse the child again because although we are asking him to do something, more often than not, it is actually an instruction.

So Dr. Jazmine recommends that if it is an option, then we can communicate that it is an option. But if its not and we need our child to do it at this moment, then we have to keep our “language very specific and direct.”

Compare saying: “Can you please bring your dirty laundry here?”

Child: “No, I’m busy.”

To: “Please bring your dirty laundry here.”

This communicates that there is no other option and that you need him to bring his dirty laundry now. As compared to asking, telling him off when he says he’s busy, and then he’s angry.

“Whatever it is that you need your child to do in that moment, be very specific and just start with please.”

4. You choose sides in sibling arguments

Parents usually want to resolve sibling arguments quickly to minimize meltdowns so we usually just say, “Please give your toy to your sister,” or “Please let your brother have a turn.”

However, according to Dr. Jazmine, “Arguably, the quickest way to spark sibling rivalry is to try to be the referee in their conflict. I’m gonna decide who’s right, who’s the victim, who’s the aggressor, who needs to give back that toy.”

Instead of doing this, Dr. Jazmine recommends that parents put more effort and energy into it. She suggests thinking of it as “small investments in their ability to learn how to communicate and problem solve among each other. And the more that we teach them this skill, the less likely they’re going to run to us for every little thing.”

She says that parents should serve as their moderator, their coach, especially as the kids grow older. Try to look at the situation from each child’s perspective, lay out the situation for them so they can better understand what’s happening, and let them figure out how they want to move forward.

Dr. Jazmine gives us a simple script on how to do this:

“OK, I see your side."

"All right, I see your side."

"You want this, you also want that."

"OK, let’s see, how can we figure this out?"

"Does anybody have any ideas?”

This way, not only do we teach our kids to solve problems on their own, but we also teach them how to communicate, compromise, and apply the solutions they came up with to possibly new problems in the future. Plus, we minimize any big feeling of resentment or unfairness toward their sibling and hence, prevent any possible sibling rivalry. So do not take sides.

5. You ignore their cries for attention or connection

Every parent is guilty of sometimes ignoring their kids on days when it’s too much. We have all had that day. And we are all oftentimes on the brink of burnout, especially when our kids are young and their demands feel endless.

Dr. Jazmine wanted to remind parents that “If your child is displaying problematic behavior, if they’re getting angry, getting upset, having really big feelings, it’s often a cry for more attention and connection.”

Kids do not have the same emotional maturity as adults, so chances are, they would not communicate these feelings with words; they are going to show us with their behavior. But at the same time, it is also up to us as their parents, to show them how to communicate these needs to us. So take the time to talk to them, process their feelings, and perhaps meet their needs to come up with a plan to do so and follow through.

“It doesn’t mean we give it to them right then and there, but if they can learn how to communicate their needs and we can hear that need and either meet it in the moment or make a plan later on and meet it, you know, and stick with the plan, that’s going to go a long way.”

“So this is just a simple reminder that oftentimes what looks like problematic behavior is really just a cry for attention and love and connection.”

And we can easily miss this in the rush of everyday life. So always remember to take a pause and talk to your child.

Finally, Dr. Jazmine reminds parents that all of us mistakenly trigger our children. It’s a given since there is a level of conflict that happens in all relationships. And this is not about preventing any problems in our relationships with our kids. Instead, it’s “about taking a step-back to reflect and hold ourselves accountable for the ways in which we contribute to the parent-child dynamic and, you know, tweak things as necessary.”

“At the end of the day, parenting is all about a relationship, the relationship with our children, our individual children.”

“And as long as we are only focusing on them and the ways in which they don’t measure up, then we are missing opportunity to hold ourselves accountable and thus see growth.”