‘Iiwan Na Kita’ And Other Phrases Parents Need To Stop Saying To Kids

It’s not easy to be a parent even on good and easy days when kids are behaving and following all the rules and requests their parents make. But on especially difficult days, we know, anything to make it stop is what we’d rather do. 

These scenarios are familiar: It’s time to go home but your child refuses to go. Or you’re out in public and your child throws a tantrum because you refused something he wanted, whether it was a new toy or said enough screen time. 

So we use phrases that get the job done quick: “Sige, iiwan kita.” Or we try a less stern route because we don’t want to get mad at our kids, “Sad na si mama kasi ayaw mo sumunod.” 

But what are you getting in exchange for the long-term impact these quick fixes create in your parent-child relationship? 

Here are four phrases parents need to stop saying (and what to say instead) from Big Life Journal, a parenting resource: 

Stop getting your child to behave with these four phrases 

1. “Iiwan na kita” 

Instead try: “I understand you want to stay. We have five more minutes, and then we need to go.” 

The first sentence communicates to kids that you understand that they don’t want to leave. This is called empathizing. It helps kids feel validated and acknowledged. Saying how much time you have left and what happens next is communicating a boundary. 

'Remember that a child who is not sharing is not selfish or madamot, he is just busy playing.'

Manipulating kids to want to leave for fear of being left behind may cause feelings of abandonment and does not intrinsically motivate a child to follow you because it is the right thing to do. 

2. “You have to share” 

Instead try: “Looks like your brother really wants to play with your truck, let him know when you are done with it.” 

This phrase suggested by Big Life Journal teaches both kids the importance of waiting for their turn. It also teaches them to respect the others’ turn. 

Remember that a child who is not sharing is not selfish or madamot, he is just busy playing as this previous Smart Parenting article says. When a parent instructs a child to share toys, it’s not the child who is sharing. It is the parent who is practicing to share according to Heather Shumaker, author of It’s OK Not to Share. 

The same article says that the best motivation for a child to enjoy sharing is when he genuinely experiences the good feelings that come with being kind. 

Read this article to learn more about how experts advise for parents to motivate kids to share. 

3. “Sad na si Mama/Papa.” 

Instead try: “I feel sad right now. And I need some time to take care of myself.” 

This sentence tells kids you are taking responsibility for your own emotions. This is also a way for you to model it. You avoid teaching a child that how you feel is your child’s responsibility or doing.  

Telling a child you are sad as a way to get them to behave or correct their behavior connects what they do to how you, the parent, feels.  

'Shaming a child in order to change their behavior, like a tantrum or a meltdown, doesn’t work.'

Later on children will likely grow up understanding that how they feel is their responsibility and not the responsibility of those around them like their friends. 

Carol Tuttle, author of The Child Whisperer: The Ultimate Handbook for Raising Happy, Successful, and and Cooperative Children says in a podcast episode that this phrase is not helpful because "you’re trying to get the correction so the child will relieve you of how you’re feeling. So, you’re connecting their behavior to how you’re feeling, which then sets up this scenario that your child is responsible for your emotional state of being. 

Similar to the first point, this phrase manipulates a child to behave without empowering the child to decide to behave because it is the right or safe thing to do. 

RELATED: This Anti-Anxiety Technique Can Help Calm Your Child if He Is Having a Meltdown

4. “Stop it. Pinagtitinginan ka na ng tao.” 

Instead try: “I can see you’re upset right now. Let’s take a break. Let’s talk later ‘pag naka-uwi na tayo sa bahay.” 

As a parent it is tempting to address a child’s meltdown or behavior the moment it happens but when a child’s emotions are high, they are not in a place to learn or reflect on what they’ve done. Telling them you can talk about it later lets them know they can talk to you about these difficult moments when they are struggling to get a hold of their emotions. 

Shaming a child in order to change their behavior, like a tantrum or a meltdown, doesn’t work. Very Well Family reports, “it can have a serious and lingering impact on your parent-child relationship, not to mention their self-esteem.”