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Smart Parenting Guide on Sex Education seeks to empower parents in raising informed tweens and teens who understand their body and their rights with the goal of protecting them from all kinds of sexual abuse. Smart Parenting resident sex education expert, Dr. Rica Cruz is a US-board certified sexologist, a sex and relationships therapist and a member of the Smart Parenting Board of Experts. Together with tween daughter Caia Miella, Dr. Rica, navigates the realities of sex in the eyes of today's teens and tweens and aims to foster honest and healthy conversations between parent and child.
The following article jumps off an anonymous post from our Smart Parenting Village.
Dr. Rica: I was going through posts in Smart Parenting Village and I came across this recent post:
“My daughter is 17 years old and will be 18 in 1 month. The story is, I was going online to use her laptop, when she forgot to close this AI (artificial intelligence) website she uses. It’s a website where she chats a bot, and the bot responds accordingly to the flow of the conversation. Sadly, I read that my daughter and the bot were SEXTING. May mga moans and everything na mababasa mo pag may ka-sexting ka. Nanghina ako. Nanginig laman ko sa galit.”
So, imagine you just found out that your teenage daughter is sexting with an AI. It's a pretty shocking and overwhelming discovery, right? Like what OP (original poster) said, it can even be down right anger-provoking.
But before you freak out, take a deep breath and ask yourself, where are all these emotions coming from? What’s really wrong with the situation, if any? Remember, it’s normal for a 17 year old girl to feel horny.
So when this happens to any parent out there, what can you do to handle the situation effectively?
Don't judge, create a safe space to openly communicate about sex
First of all, it's important to stay calm and avoid overreacting. I know it's easier said than done, but reacting impulsively or angrily could make your daughter defensive or shut down, which won't help the situation. So, take a moment to collect your thoughts and approach the situation with a clear mind.
Next, let's talk about what you need to know. Do you even know what AI is and how it works? It's essential to educate yourself about the technology involved in AI and sexting. You need to understand the potential risks and dangers involved, so you can respond appropriately.
'Don't blame or shame her, and instead, create a safe space where she can share her thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.' Dr. Rica Cruz, sex therapist and Smart Parenting Board of Expert member
I’m not a tech expert, but I do know that data and privacy breaches can happen any time--explicit content shared with an AI can be stored or disseminated without her consent, leading to potential privacy breaches and reputational damage. Giving AI sensitive information may also have legal implications, including potential criminal charges for sending or receiving explicit content as a minor. Plus, as AI can say things that are mostly ideal, but cannot offer emotional support, then depending on how their conversation goes, it may have an emotional or psychological impact on your daughter.
Having said that, the next thing that you need to do is have an honest and non-judgmental conversation with your daughter. Don't blame or shame her, and instead, create a safe space where she can share her thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.
Ask questions, listen actively, and try to understand why she engaged in sexting with an AI. Set clear boundaries and establish guidelines regarding sexting and the use of AI with your daughter.
Talk about what is acceptable and what isn't. Set rules and encourage responsible and ethical use of technology. And, of course, make sure to monitor and supervise her online activities.
You may also share stories with her of your childhood and use this space to talk to her about responsible sexual relationships. How masturbation is normal, and pleasuring the self is common. After which, talk to her about your values when it comes to having sexual relationships with others, if and when she decides to explore this part of her sexual self.
As you do this, remind yourself that this has the potential to happen with or without your guidance. Thus, as a parent, I would rather be the one guiding my child through these things than anyone else. Most importantly, offer emotional support and understanding. Let your daughter know that she can come to you without fear of judgment or punishment.
Encourage her to express her thoughts and feelings and provide guidance on healthy ways to cope with stress, emotions, and peer pressure.
Sex therapist's tips for talking about masturbation with your child
As I was writing this article, I saw you give an update and pose these questions:
"1. So what now mom, how do I control the urge when I want to masturbate?
2. When I feel like I have the calling to masturbate, should I tell you?
3. Can I sext the bot again since now you told me that masturbating is normal, can I still do sexting again especially if I cannot control it?
FYI MARRIED NA DAW SILA NG AI bot nya kaya she thought they can have seggz [sex] na
Parents, I dont know how to answer. Im overwhelmed af.”
Okay, let me help you with this one question at a time. First, she needs to understand her triggers--what arouses her? When does she feel horny? Then, she needs to be aware of how it feels in her body. Does it tickle around the genital area? Does she have shortness of breath? Then, when she starts feeling these things, but does not want to masturbate or cannot masturbate, then she has to acknowledge and honor the desire, but tell herself that she can’t do it at the moment. Maybe later?
If she finds that she’s masturbating too much (which really doesn’t exist unless she’s non-functional in school and life), then she can find other healthy coping mechanisms. She also needs to ask herself what masturbation gives her? Is it solely the pleasure or is there something else?
RELATED: Practical Guide For Teaching Your Kids About Sex: Loving Your Own Body And Crushes
Same thing with being married to an AI --what does this exactly mean? What does it give her to have a world where she’s married to an AI? Ask her these things and listen. Try to understand her from her point of view.
Maybe now is also a good time to talk to her about what marriage really is, based on your values and principles.
'What you want to teach her is to be responsible with her own body and others’ bodies. You also want to give her power to decide on her own.' -Dr. Rica Cruz
On telling a parent when a child wants to masturbate: I would advise against her telling you if she has the urge to masturbate. This will only impair her growth and her sense of bodily autonomy. What you want to teach her is to be responsible with her own body and others’ bodies. You also want to give her power to decide on her own. You wouldn’t want her to think of you every time she’s horny, do you? Trust her, and trust yourself as a mother.
On sexting with an AI bot: I believe I answered this in the main article. This is really up to you, as a parent. If you feel that sexting an AI is too risky for you digitally, maybe you can ask her to find other ways like using her imagination, fantasizing, or writing down her thoughts or even reading safe erotic stories. This way, you’ll keep her safe in her own room without risking any privacy breaches or security issues.
RELATED: #ShareKoLang Mahirap Mag-Explain Pero Paano Namin Kinausap Ang Anak Namin Tungkol Sa Sex
Tween's take on sexting with an AI: 'Honestly, I did the same thing once'
Caia’s answer: Honestly, this is biased pero I feel fine when your child is talking to an AI instead of a grown man. Maybe it’s better that she’s talking to an AI because she can say whatever she wants to say without being shamed. Also, imagine if she starts going out and she meets a predator who sexually violates her and abuses her! That’s so scary. So for me, it’s really better that she’s satisfying herself with an AI and she’s getting the interaction that she needs from an AI rather than a grown man.
However, I think she also needs to be aware of the security problems that AI has. I’m not sure what they are because I’m only 12. Haha. Honestly, I did do the same things once but not to masturbate. I was just curious and asked myself what the AI will respond to if I put sexy stuff, and it moaned! I found it funny. But I didn't have the urge to do it again.
'How can she marry an AI? Is that even possible? I think she’s just trying to justify the whole sexting thing by saying they’re married.' -Caia Miella, 12 years old
Also, how can she marry an AI? Is that even possible? I think she’s just trying to justify the whole sexting thing by saying they’re married. In all honesty, I think that’s why children hide from their parents, because of these conditions. Maybe you can explain to her that even not married people have sex, but they have to do it consensually and responsibly?
I don’t know what to tell her about fighting the urge, because as a 12 year old I also have the urge but not too much. And sometimes when I feel the urge and I don’t want to masturbate, I just read a book or study. LOL.
Would you really want to know when your child is aroused? Isn’t that a violation of privacy? I mean, if she’s open to doing it, then I guess it’s okay. But if you force her to tell you, what can she keep to herself? Also, what’s the point of telling a parent when you’re aroused? Haha. I understand when parents tell their kids that they will close the door because they want to have sex, but to actually say, “Hey we’re horny, what do we do?” is just too much. Boundaries. We need boundaries.
That’s all I can say. I think my mom has more to say about this, for sure.
Get professional help
Dr. Rica: If you feel overwhelmed or uncertain about how to handle the situation, don't hesitate to seek professional help. A therapist with expertise in sex or adolescent behavior and technology use can offer valuable guidance and support. If you have a partner, you may also ask him/her for their thoughts. I know that this is a tough situation, but with patience, understanding, and support, you can help your daughter make better choices and stay safe online. You have the support, Mommy.
Click this link to find all of Smart Parenting's Guide to Sex Education expert-backed content.
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