How To Handle Adult Siblings Fighting: Tips On Jealousy Issues

According to psychologist and wellness coach, Dr. Elizabeth Scott, “Sibling rivalry isn't always outgrown in childhood. In some cases, it only intensifies as time passes. While people often think of sibling rivalry as a childhood phenomenon, adult siblings fighting is a common phenomenon in which adult siblings struggle to get along, argue, or are even estranged from one another.”

She adds, “While most parents love their adult children, it’s surprisingly common for a parent to be closer to, or more supportive of, particular adult offspring over others.”

Cornell University family sociologist, researcher, and founder of the Cornell Family Estrangement & Reconciliation Project, Karl Pillemer, found that about 67 million people in the US are currently living with an active estrangement in their family.

Reasons for family estrangement

He learned that among the most common reasons for estrangement were:

• conflicts over money and inheritance;
• conflicts with in-laws,
• a difficult childhood that included harsh parenting or favoritism;
  
• divorce;
  
• discrepancies in values and lifestyles (such as a child coming out as gay or lesbian or rejecting a parent’s religion)

What does Sibling Rivalry in adults look like?

According to Psychologist Deborah Byrne, in her blog, “Why Does Sibling Rivalry Continue In Adults?,” below are the signs of adult sibling rivalry:

Signs of adult sibling rivalry

• Jealousy and envy of sibling’s success
• Competition with siblings even in adulthood, i.e. trying to outdo the other sibling
• One up man ship type of behavior may also occur
• Dwelling on, and overanalyzing, the past and any previous hurts caused in childhood. (The sibling is stuck in the past; this will require counseling to be overcome. They may still talk often about how horrible it was to grow up with the sibling)
• Still trying to get the parent’s attention or win the parent over to their side
• Not seeing the other sibling as an adult in the present moment, so talking to them like they are a child or dismissing their opinions as a result. (Perhaps not even consulting them in relation to joint family decisions)
• Bragging about their great life, spouse, partner, work, friends, home, etc. in order to make sibling feel inadequate or as above to get one up on their sibling
• Describing a sibling as an enemy. Perhaps even treating them as such, using violent behaviors, overstepping boundaries, passive-aggressive comments, etc.
• Persistent interfering in the other sibling’s lives

Reasons that may intensify adult sibling rivalry

While the relationship among parents greatly impacts the role of sibling rivalry in adults, along with other various factors such as life events, gender, and experiences outside of the family, there are other reasons why people in the family are most likely drawn together.

Geographical proximity

Parents or siblings who live closer to one another may understandably spend more time together and develop affinity

Shared personality features

Parents or siblings who think the same way or share the same views may understand each other easily

Other factors

Study shows that parents are more ambivalent toward children who are not married, less educated, and share fewer of their values.

How to cope with adult siblings fighting

According to Dr. Elizabeth Scott’s article, Sibling Rivalry in Adults: How to Cope with Adult Siblings Fighting, below are six tips that can help reduce conflict and manage feelings of stress caused by adult sibling rivalry:

Tips for adults in handling stress and conflict caused by adult sibling rivalry

Don’t take it personally.

Parents may look and feel closer to your sibling which may look like he/she is the favored one but your parents may not even be aware of it or are most likely not doing it deliberately to hurt your feelings.

Find support elsewhere.

Friends are the families we choose. While we may not be born into families of people who think like us or share our thoughts and values, other people can provide the support that our family members may be unable to give.

Don't perpetuate sibling rivalry.

Don’t try to compete with your siblings, this may further fuel the resentment among siblings. Don’t blame them for being favored, either. Even if your siblings are going out of their way to remain the favorite, you can’t blame them for wanting and vying for their parent’s love and approval.

Just cherish and honor the kind of relationship you have with your parents and other siblings.

Accept the reality.

Acceptance is key: you’ll also feel better if you accept the reality of the situation. While you may not get as much support and approval from parents as you want, and it may most likely sting, but know that it’s okay.

Invest in your own family.

You can shift the focus to providing what your family needs from you rather than what you would like to be getting from your family of origin.

Get additional support if needed.

Research in sibling relationships in older adulthood documents that “parental favoritism and sibling rivalry are linked to increased symptoms of anxiety, depression, hostility, and loneliness.” If you need someone to talk to or want to manage stress related to adult sibling fights, reach out to licensed therapists or mental health professionals near you.

How to handle adult siblings fighting

For parents, it is relatively upsetting and somehow disappointing to see your children quarrel, no matter their status in life and age. But when they've reached the age of maturity, how do we intervene when they fight (or should we)?

Let them settle the squabble amongst themselves. 

It may sound uncomfortable but as much as possible, do not intervene and see them as adults, not kids. Let them make mistakes and allow them to figure out how to get out of silent treatment, walking on eggshells, and cold interaction. 

Be their source of wisdom, not their decision. 

If your children reach out to you for advice, allow them to realize the value of family and relationships. No one wants to be in survival mode at all times. No one wants to harbor resentment and regret for the rest of their lives.

Do not be the judge of what you think is right for the situation, but let them realize their next course of action. Be there to listen, to empathize. 

Remain neutral.

To remove any doubts of perceived favoritism, try to remain as neutral as possible. If the situation warrants a mediator, then so be it. Be in control of not making them feel that they need to contend again for your love and approval.

Is raising children without rivalry possible? Find out here.