A Long Bet On Fatherhood: This Dad Said No To A Dream Job To Prioritize His Children

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For the fifth time that week, my LinkedIn got a notification from yet another recruiter. The position needs to be filled soon by hook or by crook. This one was most persistent so I threw a curveball and asked for a ridiculous amount.

“If you are fine to relocate, we can do this,” was the reply.

There it was: the offer of a lifetime, more than a decade in pursuit. Only that I needed to relocate, a supposedly trivial ask for someone with an OFW heritage. The cycle goes, I leave the girls and for their bit of the sacrifice, they are to indefinitely bear a nominal form of fatherlessness albeit physically.

The Philippines I grew up in always had that fog of a societal epidemic that only thickened to this day–fatherless homes. The obvious cause was deterioration of marriage. So it goes, my generation's parents’ warning was grim (their regulation often stern) against getting into adolescent romantic relationships, fearing it will inevitably add to the concerning statistic where 1 out of 10 births were of teenage moms. It may be that the warning worked so well that today people today get married at 27-30 years old as compared to 20-24 years old in 2001, credit perhaps to the backdrop of 4 out of 10 babies being born to unwed mothers in 2011–most of whom I knew then clearly were not having a great time.

I can only speculate how the ‘epidemic’ started. But if in 2021, a whopping 6 of 10 babies were born to unwed mothers, you could say there is an ungodly number of fatherless homes out there, add into the mix the physically absent dads forced to provide from afar. (We must also remember that statistics on babies and mothers in the Philippines include a sizeable amount of abuse victims. -Eds)

Some of the latest studies suggest that if we don’t bring the fathers back to the fold, there will be a destructive tide that will ripple through generations.

'If you get the first three years right, you can relax. Otherwise you'll be practicing remedies for decades.' -Dr. Gabor Maté, Canadian physician

“The minimum viable domestic unit for the nurturing of healthy children is a man and a woman,” says Dr. Jordan Peterson, Canadian psychologist. “Some people struggle mightily and sort of manage it. But you can't do it optimally with one person,” he said in his YouTube channel. 

Raising kids is already complicated for two persons, let alone one. Especially when the latest science implores parents not to screw up the first 1000 days. 

“The first 1000 days of life is a window of opportunity that makes a whole difference to that child. It lays down the architecture of the brain," says Dr. DeeDee Yates in a TEDTalk.

When the baby is born, it comes with a hundred billion brain cells that are connected in a nourishing, stimulating and caring environment. Mothers who are already bearing a disproportionate cost for reproduction should have a father counterpart whose energy is dedicated to making that happen. “Fatherlessness is associated with a catastrophic cavalcade of developmental problems,” says Peterson.

If a child is malnourished and stressed, they would have reduced energy to develop those brain functions. They will likely perform poorer in school and eventually earn less as adults while having poorer health than their well nourished peers–the very picture of inequality that shakes societies today.

'I quickly learned that activities like storytelling, responding to baby's cries, carrying, and singing to them are not gender-based activities.' -Allan Waldo Alcantara

“We unintentionally increase the inequalities in our society just from this early start,” says Yates. Dr. Gabor Maté, a Canadian physician, concurs, “If you get the first three years right, you can relax. Otherwise you'll be practicing remedies for decades.” 

Those who have not abdicated fatherhood want to do exactly that but soon feel clueless as it unravels. I kept my measures simple and experts seem to agree.

How dads are choosing to be involved fathers

1. I served the baby by serving the mom before and after birth

“The first 1000 days of life—from conception to two years old—are absolutely fundamental to the child’s development,” says Yates. 

When the doctor banished my wife into bed rest in all pregnancies, she received the fullest of my service being medically required to do absolutely nothing. While care does not have to be this extreme, dads should take away as much work as they can from the mom and let her focus on growing limbs, fingers and brain inside her during this time.

My friend Alvin Parcia extends his care after birth. His hectic job as Principal Consultant is no excuse. “My wife is already doing most of the [child-rearing] work. The least I can do is to respond when the baby is crying, “ he says. 

2. I made myself present, literally

"Don't wait for your kids to grow older when you could intellectually engage them," says Mate. “You should welcome them to exist in your presence now”. It's normal that you don’t know what to say or how to play. Your child will train you into it. The only thing you have to do is arrange your schedule to make yourself available–to be present.

My approach was simple: I just literally made sure I was around the kids as much as I could, as long as I could. Simple acts do the trick like settling on a small downstairs workstation and ditching my dedicated office room upstairs just to be with my girls. 

Singapore-based IT executive Renante Alvarez even takes an unorthodox approach, “I intentionally introduced my daughter to Minecraft. We spend hours on a Sunday building her "My Little Pony" world and fighting zombies”.

3. I actively shared in child-rearing

Studies still hold that traditional child-rearing practices are highly effective in brain development: breastfeeding, feeding on demand, responding to crying infants, carrying our babies, touching our babies, infant massage, storytelling, singing and reading.

After staying home long enough, I quickly learned that these activities are not gender based. For instance, thawing deeply frozen breast milk and bottle feeding with it as a substitute to breastfeeding are gender neutral activities. 

Early investments

“These early investments at the very start of life have a major impact and can address many societal challenges like inequality, poverty and violence. Investment made later will be less effective,” Yates concluded. 

“Investment” sounds just about right. The opportunity cost of the job offer has now put an actual price tag on my decision to stay.

Unwittingly, I had just placed a multi-million peso bet on fatherhood.

Waldo uploads videos about Filipino Finance, Technology and Family at facebook.com/saidwaldoph and youtube.com/@saidwaldoph.