One And Done: Find Out How These Filipino Couples Decided To Have Only One Child

How and when do parents reach that point of saying they are “one and done,” resolute in their decision not to have any more children after the first child? 

It can happen intentionally or organically or both as in the case of Charisse and Mikey Llorin who were married in 2014 and had their son, Max, in 2016.  “I think I've always wanted a small family. I wanted to be a mom, but I always thought that I was good with just one,” says Charisse. Mikey on the other hand was open to having up to two—hopefully a girl-- at the beginning of our relationship.

Their decision to have just one child crystallized on the first year of giving birth, when Charisse decided to be a full time mom and quit her teaching and research jobs at a University. “This choice was key because I had the privilege of really diving into parenthood with no hired help,” she adds. Being with Max 24/7 allowed her to witness his ‘magical messy moments’. “My husband is an amazing father, too. As soon as he gets home, he's 100% present” she shares. 

The Llorins didn't feel like they missed out on anything when it came to parenting their son and felt content with their set-up. “That's when it dawned on us—there's nothing lacking. In fact, it was the opposite—we were overflowing with life and love. Our family of three always felt complete.”

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‘We made this decision together’

Oneal and Regina Rosero were married in 2010 but it took them five long years to get pregnant. Regina recalls that they were close to giving up after going through hormone treatment, tests, and a several doctors just to conceive. “We thought it was a miracle when I finally got pregnant in early 2016,” says Regina. “But while my pregnancy was relatively easy on my body, it took quite a toll on me emotionally.” Their son, Lucas, was born that same year. 

'If we decide to have another child, it has to be because we want that child completely and that we're having him/her out of faith and not fear'
—Charisse Llorin

Childbirth was a struggle for Regina. She shares that she was in labor for 24 hours and ended up needing an emergency cesarean section.  The early years of motherhood took a mental and emotional toll as well. “I suffered from a crisis of identity because I felt like motherhood was eating me alive and erasing the person I was before I became a mother. I knew with absolute certainty that I did not want to go through any of that again,” she says. 

Oneal was supportive all throughout the crisis and he too knew that he didn’t want to see his wife go through the same experiences again. “I think the most important thing about this decision is that we made it together. We agreed that we absolutely do not want another child,” says Regina. 

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‘Sundan na yan!’

The Llorins kept their mind open to having another child but the more they weighed in on the possibility, the more they realized that their reasons were “based on fears planted by other people.” 

Charisse shares, they have a heard comments like ‘he'll grow up lonely’, ‘he needs a playmate’, ‘he will be spoiled’, and, her absolute favorite, ‘kids without siblings turn out weird and will need therapy’. 

“It became clear to us that the only reason compelling us to have a second child is to make sure that our son would have kasama and he won't grow up spoiled,” she reflects. For the Llorins, these are not reasons enough to have another baby. “If we decide to have another child, it has to be because we want that child completely and that we're having him/her out of faith--and not fear,” says Charisse.

'It still makes me angry to hear people say such things, as if dismissing without a thought the physical pain I went through and the emotional distress we endured during all the years we were unable to conceive...' —Regina Rosero

While they admit that they sometimes could not match their son’s energy and wondered whether having a sibling will put less pressure on them to play with him all the time, Charisse says that overall they find great balance in their set-up. “Having a smaller family allows us to have a little more resources to spread around such as time, energy, and finances. So, it doesn't feel like we have to choose between being present parents and the things we're passionate about,” she says.

The Roseros had similar experiences. They have had comments like, ‘Naku wala siyang kalaro’, ‘malungkot’, ‘sundan na yan!’ and the line Regina resents the most ‘girl naman!’ “As if it were so easy to make sure I gave birth to a daughter,” she says.

Oneal adds, “The other infuriating question is ‘who will take care of you when you get old?’ like it’s the child’s responsibility to do that!” The Roseros believe having only one child is not a problem because some kids are perfectly fine by themselves.

RELATED: On Utang Na Loob And Respect: Why I’m Not Demanding My Kids To Recognize Me As Their Parent

Their son Lucas, Regina shares, is an extrovert who likes having someone to play with or talk to, or to watch what he’s doing. He also goes to school every day and to football games once a week which keeps him in the company of people his age regularly. With one child, the Roseros also find the household and expenses manageable.  

While both families agree that some comments are well meant, they believe that their reproductive choices are nobody’s business. “It still makes me angry to hear people say such things, as if dismissing without a thought the physical pain I went through and the emotional distress we endured during all the years we were unable to conceive, and the emotional and financial cost of parenting even a single child,” laments Regina. 

‘Commit to your decision’ 

The Roseros believe that the decision to have only one child should belong to the parents and them alone and that it should always be unanimous.  

The Llorins are keeping the doors open should their decision change but have also been entertaining the thought of getting a vasectomy for Mikey. “We've looked into it and we recently learned that some LGUs offer it for free, so that's definitely an option for us! We just need to do more research on it,” says Charisse. 

For families facing the dilemma of whether they should be “one and done” or not, both families have this advice: 

Tips to help you decide on the size of your family

1. Understand each others' whys.

It is important to be on the same page with your partner starting with your vision for your family, says Charisse. Equally important too is for men to recognize the inherent gender inequality in all of this, she adds. “Even if my husband and I were on the same page, he also respected and acknowledged that I would get the final say as the person who would have to put my body through another pregnancy,” she shares.

2. Take that time to research and reflect.

“You can be ‘one and done’ for now, but that might change later and that's OK,” advises Charisse. As someone who was constantly reminded about her ‘ticking biological clock,’ she says that couples can now grow their family other than through pregnancy with options like adoption, egg-freezing, and surrogacy, among others. 

3. Come to a unanimous decision. 

“I feel strongly that the decision should be made by both parents, and that the decision is unanimous,” says Regina, adding that she has heard of couples where one wanted another child and the other just agreed.  “Why bring another child into the world if you cannot both commit to raising them as best you can?” 

4. Men, do your part.

Oneal says that men should recognize their partner’s sacrifices from going through the trouble of taking birth control or counting the days of their period, to knowing when they are fertile. “When you both decide to stop having children, then it's your turn to do something--get a vasectomy,” he recommends. “It only takes a few minutes. Only the anesthesia is painful for a few seconds, and then you’re one and done forever.”

5. Strive to be the best parent you can be.

“Whether you are happy with one child or you want to try for five, the most important part is being the best parent you can be to your child/ren,” says Regina. “Think carefully of the responsibility that comes with it.”  She adds that beyond fulfilling their basic needs and caring of them, parents have to be able to afford to take care of themselves as well--physically, emotionally, financially “so that they can be the best parents possible.”