‘Co-Parenting Is Hard But The Kids Come First’

In recent years, co-parenting has slowly become part of Filipino family culture. 

Co-parenting refers to parents working together to raise their children, even after separating. While separation is often painful and complicated, co-parenting serves as a bridge that keep children connected to both their families. 

As actress Jodi Sta. Maria said in a past interview: “We may not be together as partners, but we can co-parent our child in the best way we can, to be able to give him not only a bright future…also to show him that despite the situation, kumbaga, magkakatuwang pa rin kami sa pagpapalaki sa kanya."

Smart Parenting has gathered real-life co-parenting stories from parents who, despite painful separations, chose to co-parent with their ex-partners. Some are just starting, while others have found peace with their co-parenting setup. 

Here are their stories, how they make it work, and their lessons of encouragement:

Mommy Zy, 37, Mom of Two, Co-Parenting for 7 Years

“For me, co-parenting is a new normal–a realistic approach for partners to ensure their kids' well-being comes first. It is a compromise: even if our relationship as partners didn't work, our relationship as parents will not suffer.”

During the first two years, mahirap, kasi ginagamit ng ex ko ang bata to his advantage. Like kapag hiniram, hindi isosoli, kailangan ko pang sunduin. Now, our arrangement is that my son stays with me during the week, and he’s with his dad on weekends, vacations, and holidays. As much as I want to be with him on weekends because I work during the weekdays, I also want him to spend time with his papa. Kailangan niya un, kailangan nila yun. 

Co-parenting is collaborative and a team effort, especially now that my son is nearing his teenage years, plus iba na generation ngayon. If I encounter any issues with him, I inform his papa para alam niya, para pag magkasama sila ma-guide din niya. Or baka may nasasabi na si son about me na baka need ko din ma-realize or something.

Lately every school activity or meeting gusto niya papa niya ang mag-attend, it’s okay with me. Masaya ako na okay sila. In terms of financial support, never kami nag-argue, siguro dahil working din ako, and ayoko din naman na siya lahat. So far, so good kami. Purely co-parenting. No personal kumustahan. No emojis sa chat. Hahaha! Medyo mababaw, pero our communication is purely for co-parenting.

Co-parenting is hard, but keep in mind that time heals wounds, and your child’s well-being should always come first. 

Advice for other parents: Sa mga nag-uumpisa pa lang sa co-parenting, open your heart and your mind kung ano ang best para sa anak mo. Never mong ipagdamot ang anak mo, kahit na special occasion pa yan. Never lie to your kid, explain mo sa kanya ang sitwasyon. Never say bad things about your partner, your relationship with your ex eh sa inyo lang yun.

Mommy Zy works in the government. Her son with her former partner is 11 years old. She has a 1-year-old daughter with her current partner. They have been co-parenting since 2017. 

Mommy Ally Mendoza, 34, Mom of Three, Co-Parenting for 3 Years

“I think the first step in co-parenting is forgiveness. It takes a lot of courage, love for yourself and your kids, and faith to forgive. Even if hindi pa okay, pinatawad ko na siya because I love my children.”

The first year was terrible. It was so difficult. I think it’s because after separation, selfish pa ang both sides. It took us one year or more to mend the wounds from the separation.

Sala sa lamig, sala sa init yung first years ng co-parenting namin. Right now, we are divided. My eldest daughter, who is 12 years old, chose to stay with me here in Los Banos. Our other two kids, my 9-year-old daughter and 6-year-old bunso, who has Autism, stay with their Daddy. During school breaks and holidays, they come to stay with me. Anytime na gusto naming magkita, pwede. Anytime na gusto nilang pumunta dito sa bahay, pwede. Same goes sa ex ko. Nung first year na walang sustento, hinayaan ko na muna. Pero after a year, siya na yung nagkusa sa mga gastusin. Kinuha na din niya ang bunso namin na may Autism. Mas marami kasing options doon for therapy.

I never wanted my kids to have a broken family. In my view, a family is only truly broken if wala talagang communication or inabandona na ng magulang. For me, it doesn’t necessarily mean na when the marriage doesn’t work, we can’t be teammates as parents. Kahit anong mangyari, maghiwalay kami, mag-away kami, andito yung mga anak namin.

Heartbreak is a big part of co-parenting, yung sunduan at hiraman time. Yun yung time na umiiyak pa din talaga ko. Pag Christmas, sakin ang kids. Pag New year sa Daddy, so emotional talaga ko nun.

I also learned how to hold on to my faith and talk to God. I needed to take care of my business and the kids. I learned to forgive. I forgave my ex and respected him for being the father of our kids. If there’s one thing I don’t regret in our relationship, it’s him being the father of our kids. He told me recently, siya naman ang bahala sa mga bata ngayon. After nun, mas maayos na kami. Wala ng harshness. Nung graduation nung panganay namin, andun yung ex ko, andun ang current partner ko. 

Lesson learned: For me, co-parenting is possible if both parents want it. We’re doing it all for our children; nothing else matters. Wala nang sama ng loob sa isa’t isa. Move forward lang para sa future ng mga bata. 

Mommy Ally Mendoza has a home based bakery. She has three kids with her former partner, ages 12, 9, and 6. They have been co-parenting for three years. 

Mommy Anne, 37, Mom of One, Co-Parenting for 10 Years 

“For me, hindi kailangan ng buong pamilya para masabi mo na masaya ang mga anak natin. Mas kailangan nila ng masayang magulang para mas maging masaya ang anak natin.”

Natanggap ko na yung situation namin–co-parenting for ten years. Sa una talagang mahirap kasi may galit pa. Ngayon, mas okay na, mas may peace of mind na ako. Co-parenting is a collaborative partnership that requires give-and-take and a lot of understanding with the dad of my son. Parang mas nag-mature ako sa ganung set-up namin. 

Our 10-year-old son lives with me, but spends Sundays with his Dad. His father can visit anytime he wants kahit wala ako sa bahay. They can go to the mall even without me. My son can sleep over with him anytime. Before, nung mas maliit pa ang anak ko, hirap ako ipahiram sa kanya or sa side niya, I’m worried na baka kung ano mangyari. Nung mag-8 years old na siya, pinapasama ko na sa kanya kahit wala ako. 

Challenges: Isa sa challenges siguro is yung minsan talaga, ayaw ko i-pahiram yung bata. One of the boundaries that I set is I require open communication pag nasa kanya ang son ko. Big no for me yung hindi siya mag-rereply pag kinakamusta ko yung anak ko pag magkasama sila, and kapag magpakilala siya ng girlfriend niya without my knowledge. For me, dapat alam ko muna na ipapakilala na niya para ma-brief ko din yung anak ko. 

Lesson learned: Natutunan ko kung paano magkaroon ng madaming patience at understanding. Na pag magulang ka na pala, hindi na sayo ang buhay mo, para sa anak mo na talaga. Parents, lagi niyong isipin yung anak mo. Hindi niya gusto na ma-belong sa broken family. We’re still a family kahit hindi na kami magkasama sa isang bahay. Huwag idamay ang bata sa issues ng parents.

Mommy Anne is a businesswoman with a 10-year-old son. She has been co-parenting with the father of his son since his birth. 

Mommy Angel, 26, Mom of Two, Co-Parenting for 1 Year

“As a mom, I realized that nothing is impossible. If you and your partner didn't work out, the kids should still be the priority.”

Our setup involves spending weekends together as a family. The father of my kids goes to our house. Initially, it was very hard on my mental health, with a lot of confusion and arguments. The hardest part is the recovery process, because you're still adjusting to your new situation. 

Co-parenting should be a partnership with shared goals and priorities, but it’s not always smooth. 

For me, I’m strict with my rule that he can't take the kids for a sleepover with his relatives or family without me. We set boundaries too. We each have our privacy and we don’t let the kids feel or know the pain we feel for each other. 

Lesson for other parents: Remember that co-parenting is a process. Always prioritize the kids. Huwag kumapit sa "ayaw makipaghiwalay kahit toxic na dahil ayaw masira ang pamilya para sa mga bata". Not all relationships last forever, but parenting is a lifetime responsibility.

Mommy Angel is a freelance agent who also takes care of her two kids. She has been co-parenting for one year. 

Mommy Joy, 34, Mom of One, Co-Parenting for 6 Months

"Since we just started co-parenting six months ago, our setup is still quite loose. The father of my child sees them every 4-6 weeks for just an hour or two."

Recently, I decided not to allow our child to be taken out or stay overnight with him for safety reasons. We’re still working through several challenges, and I’ve had to set strict boundaries for my peace of mind.

I chose to set strict boundaries and minimize communications to maintain my peace of mind. One major rule is that their dad could not take my child during special occasions like Christmas and New Year. I also don’t allow my child to be with his father's relatives or new partner until he is at least seven years old.

Lesson learned: The most important lesson I've learned is that if one parent doesn’t cooperate, most of the responsibility falls on the other. It's crucial to set boundaries, even if it means taking legal action.

To other parents, always pray to God because the journey is not easy, and you need wisdom and a lot of strength. We need God's guidance and support. Take things one step at a time. Everything may seem overwhelming at first, but you will figure it out along the way. Always prioritize your peace of mind and your child's well-being. Being financially independent is crucial as well.

Mommy Joy is a virtual assistant and a mom of one. She only started co-parenting 6 months ago. 

Each mom’s story offers unique insights and lessons about co-parenting. Though the journey can be painful and challenging, prioritizing the children's well-being and learning to forgive, compromise, and set boundaries are key to making co-parenting work.

Read here for co-parenting lessons from celebrity ex-couples.