May Good Cop At Bad Cop Sa Parenting Niyo? Family Expert Says This Might Confuse Kids

I’ve often been asked by mommies this question: How would you deal if magkaiba kayo ng parenting style with your partner?

I saw this question again in a Smart Parenting Confessions post, so I’d like to address this question once again as a peaceful parenting advocate. 

Generally, parents fall under one of these four parenting styles: authoritative, authoritarian, permissive, and negligent. This is according to developmental psychologist, Diana Baumrind and researchers, Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. 

'Having different styles will confuse the child. Malilito ang bata kung sino dapat ang sundin.' –Dr. Gail Galang

Briefly, the authoritative parenting style sets clear rules and expectations, communicating with children in between to check for roadblocks.

Unlike this democratic parenting style, authoritarian parents, on the other hand, have high demands, but show low responsiveness and warm support. Children under this strict parenting style follow because they are afraid of punishment, feeling unhappy, and sometimes resentful in the process. 

Permissive parenting overvalues children’s freedom and happiness, having low demands and expectations so that kids don’t get distressed. Getting what they want most of the time, children of highly permissive parents are usually seen as spoiled, unreasonable, and entitled.

Finally, the neglectful parent offers very little to almost zero guidance, nurturance, and affection. These parents are indifferent to their children’s needs, probably because they, themselves, are caught up in their own web of life issues. 

RELATED: Paano Na? Magkaiba Kami Ni Hubby Ng Parenting Style

Most of the time, parents are able to show the same parenting style towards their children. However, there will always be occasions when your styles will not align.

There are many factors that will affect your stand on discipline. One big influence comes from reflecting on how you yourself were brought up by your own parents. It’s either you agree it works, so you know it's a tried and tested formula or, you don’t agree with how your parents approached the same issues then. Here, you are more determined not to commit the same mistake with your own children.

'Even if you feel the urge to argue why your [parenting] style is better, doing this in front of the child can appear confusing.' –Dr. Gail Galang, on differences in parenting styles

Either way, you must talk to your spouse about this privately. Consistency is key. Even if you feel the urge to argue why your style is better, doing this in front of the child can appear confusing. Having a united front communicates a safe environment, one that is predictable and secure.

Instead of changing the rules, say, “Remember our rule on buying toys? We agreed that we have to plan what to buy and stick to a budget.” 

Adjust when needed. Check if both of you need to update your parenting style. If parents’ communication lines are open, then most likely, they are also attuned to the changing needs of their children.

As kids grow into young teens, they will need more autonomy so that they can discover their own strengths and weaknesses.

Instead of holding on to control, say, “I know you like spending time with your friends now. You can go out with your friends, but only after the exams and in a nearby place where I can do some errands at the same time you are with them. Is this okay with your?”

Aim for collaboration. Usually when disagreements happen, emotions run high. Conflicts will always be a part of life, so modeling how to settle a disagreement through non-violent communication will go a long way until adulthood.

Applying force or walking away seldom gets the issues resolved. Worse, it will pit the parent against the other. It can be traumatic for children to see their parents argue, so catch yourselves before this happens.

Stephen Covey emphasizes the need to seek first to understand, then to be understood. Take a breath and say, “Honey, I can see this is upsetting you, what’s your point of view?”

As I commented on the thread where this question was asked: “Having different styles will confuse the child. Malilito ang bata kung sino dapat ang sundin. Worse, it makes one parent the bad cop. Mag-usap kayong mag-asawa in private. Agree on family rules and its consequences based on your family values. Be firm but gentle when implementing the consequences. Hindi kailangang physical ang 'punishment' because that can lead to mental health problems later on.”

Dr. Gail Reyes Galang is chair of the Family Studies program at Miriam College, where she also teaches under the Department of Psychology. She is associate director of the Center for Peace Education. She is a member of the Smart Parenting Board of Experts. You can follow her on Instagram at @gailfrancesgalang.