Mom Finds Note About Death On Teen Child's Phone; Here's What An Expert Suggests She Should Do

Trigger warning: This article discusses themes of teen depression, suicide and death, which may be distressing or triggering to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

What would you do if you found a random note on your teenage child's phone, and it suggests death or suicide? 

A mom took to the Smart Parenting Village Facebook group to ask for the insights of its 100,000 parent members about a note she found in her child's phone.

"What would you feel if you randomly found this note at your 12-year-old child's phone? I'm crying right now. I haven't talked to them yet. I don't know what the right approach is. First time parent here."

In a comment, the mom added that she also discovered her child's account in a social media app, where some of her child's friends are promoting self-harm, "My kid is a happy person hindi ko talaga naisip na may ganitong thinking siya. I haven't asked her yet about these notes. Yes, notes. I found more notes like this. Kumpleto kami sa lahat, I still can't figure out paano siya naging ganito." 

Smart Parenting is withholding the actual message for the mom and child's privacy. You may join the group here.

Parents help distressed mom who found random death note

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), suicide is the fourth leading cause of death in older adolescents aged 15 to 19 years. Thus, the mom's concern is valid and needs to be addressed urgently. 

In the comments section, parent members of the Smart Parenting Village shared comforting words to the mom, and offered their advice.

One of the top comments was from a mom who said, "This might seem [overacting] to others but please, after you talk to your child, have them checked by a psychologist. It will really help her. Don't wait for her to do something bad. Mahirap sa pakiramdam kapag may nangyaring hindi maganda." She added, "Been there, done that."

"Observe the child for symptoms of depression. Check any changes in sleeping and eating habits." Dr. Gail Galang, psychologist

Another mom suggests that the mom takes time to bond with her child, "Maybe build up first some bonding [with] her? Try to ask your child out on a date, just the two of you. Go shopping, or maybe eat outside. Then find a place that you can have a heart-to-heart talk. Just first talk about random things then ask how they are. Make them feel that you are there. Better na agapan na habang may oras pa."

One mom said she experienced the scenario as a child, "If a kid talks about dying, be alarmed. I have been there. This was so me as early as nine years old. I wished my parents were there for me, but I was always afraid to talk. I'm already 35 and still. Mas mabuti po open communication, be her friend, and maybe take her for therapy na maagapan ng maaga."

Another mom shared her opinion to the mom too, but first, she thanked the mom for actually being worried about her child's mental health and ot dismissing it as a drama, a weakness, or a phase.

"Do not open up this conversation by telling them that you went snooping around. There's a reason they are not saying anything or that they created an alt account. They don't trust you about these things... YET."

She then advised the mom to look for any changes in her child's behavior, may it be in their eating or sleeping habits, or grades. "Take mental notes as these will be helpful when you finally consult professional help."

The mom gave an important tip, "Start asking them how their day went, what's happening in school, how their friends are. If they share her challenges and difficulties, do not dismiss them by saying, "You're strong, kaya mo yan." Agree that it's difficult. Validate their experiences. Emphasize self-love."

She concluded, "Be gentle. Never assume, never insinuate, never force them to do anything without their explicit consent. Always be there for them. Your role as a parent is to be the stronger one, and to be the one that pulls them out of the dark. Be the light, never the burden."

Psychologist's advice to the mom

Smart Parenting sought the help of Dr. Gail Galang, a registered psychologist with a PhD in Child and Family Studies and a member of the Smart Parenting Board of Experts, on what the mom's course of action should be, given the circumstances.

"Anything suggesting suicide should be given serious attention," said Dr. Galang. "Keeping communication lines open will give parents an idea of what’s going on in their child’s life. Listening reflectively will encourage the child to talk to their parents without fear of being judged or scolded."

Like what some moms said, Dr. Galang advises to observe the child's behavior, as these can be symptoms of depression. "Check any changes in sleeping and eating habits. Consider seeing a professional, if the child feels depressed most of the day, withdrawing from activities that used to be delightful, and feeling hopeless as though nothing seems worthwhile anymore."

READ ALSO: 5 Signs of Teenage Depression

If possible, the mom may also check on her child's friends and teachers to give more clarity on the child’s overall state of emotional well-being.

Dr. Galang added, "The parents will also need to do a self-reflection. It could be that something in their family dynamics is making the child feel alone and unsupported."

In a 2021 article published in European Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, researchers found the likely causes of adolescent suicide based on a study that involved teens aged 10 to 19 between 2012 and 2016 in Italy 

Enrico Grande, et. al reported that these characteristics of a family were associated with a higher risk of dying by suicide.

• Living in single-parent or reconstructed families (among boys)
• A 40-year or more age gap between mother and child (among girls)
• Having highly educated parents
• An age difference between parents greater than 5 years.

In other researches, protective factors for suicidal behavior in teens are as follows: parental support, family cohesion, and a consistent discipline by parents.

Nevertheless, if this happens to your family, remember that help is available, and you are not alone. 

Read what Kuya Kim Atienza did when his daughter went through the same mental health struggles here.