When a woman suffers through a miscarriage, she inevitably blames herself for what happened. Doctors, however, would be the first to say that in most cases, there’s nothing you can do to cause nor prevent it. Going through one loss after another can be devastating, but if there’s one thing we’ve learned in the pregnancy stories we’ve featured over the years, it’s that hope prevails.
The first time Divina “Div”Rolloque, 26, got pregnant, she was not prepared. “Wala e, malandi, e,” she writes nonchalantly on the Facebook page where she chronicles her pregnancy journey.
She was 19 at the time and on her fourth year of college in Abra, Benguet. Her boyfriend, Jovanni “Dev”Rolloque, 28, was the working in Pangasinan and they were in a long distance relationship.
But while they fought for their baby, Div suffered a miscarriage. “Hindi ko alam, nanganganak na pala ako sa ward,” she says.
“Ito ‘yung unang pagkamatay ng puso ko.”
Div lost her first baby, Joanni Angel Divine at 20 weeks. “Pagkaputol ng umbilical cord ni baby wale pang five minutes, hindi na siya humihinga,” she recalls.
Her doctors said maybe it wasn’t meant to be. “Kaya kinuha muna siya,” Div says. “Ito ‘yung unang pagkamatay ng puso ko. Siguro nga hindi para sa amin si baby. Siguro nga sobrang bata pa kami.”
But this was not the first time Div would lose her babies. By the time she turned 25, she would have suffered two more miscarriages.
Living with an incompetent cervix
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Div with her husband, Dev, and their rainbow baby, Janikkah, who is now nine months old.PHOTO BY Courtesy of Div RolloqueThe couple got married the following year, on January 2014. In 2015, Div became pregnant again. They transferred to a private hospital and found out the possible cause of her first miscarriage: A urinary tract infection (UTI) and high blood sugar.
But while Div took extra care of her body, she lost her baby again at 24 weeks. His name was John Dave Angelo.
“Nagmamakaawa ako kay God sana buhayin niya ulit ang baby ko. Alam mo ‘yun? Magdadasal ka ng imposible kasi sobrang masakit na.”
This time, they cited a more devastating cause. Div had an incompetent cervix — a condition where the baby, as it grows and gets heavier, presses on the cervix and it softens and opens up, usually painlessly and without contractions, before the baby is ready to be born. (Click here to see how wide your cervix opens when you give birth.)
“Mahina ang kakayahan ng pwerta na panatilihin sa loob ng sinapupunan ang sanggol,” Div explains in another post. “Habang lumalaki at bumibigat siya (baby), ang pwerta ay unti-unti ring umiiksi at bumubukas. Iyon ang rason kung bakit nanganganak ako ng maaga o wala sa buwan.”
CONTINUE READING BELOWwatch now“I died for the second time,” Div shares. “Akala pa nga ng parents ni Dev noon nababaliw na ako kasi nakikita nila akong umiiyak, tulala, nakaluhod. Nagmamakaawa ako kay God na sana buhayin niya ulit ang baby ko. Alam mo ‘yun? Magdadasal ka ng imposible kasi sobrang masakit na.”
To battle her depression, Div began to research about her condition. She joined Facebook groups where foreigners discussed their experiences (“wala pa noong mga groups sa Facebook para sa mga Pinoy”). She says, “Katulad nila ganon din ang mga nangyayari sa akin, bumubuka rin ang cervix nila at nag-pi-preterm labor. Pero may mga nagkaroon na rin ng rainbow babies. Nakaka-inspire. Nakakainggit.”
Her doctors had said she needed to have a cervical cerclage to up her chances of keeping her next baby. This involves suturing the cervix to reinforce it during pregnancy. It is usually done on week 12 to 14 of the pregnancy to prevent the cervix from opening too early.
“Sabi namin ni Dev, dapat 25 years old ako magbuntis ulit para makapag-ipon at makapagpahinga ang matres ko. Mahal ang cerclage procedure at kailangan din may mag-alaga sa akin para makapagtrabaho si Dev pang-suporta sa pagbubuntis ko,” Div recalls.
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But at the age of 23, Div got pregnant again. Again, they transferred to another OB-GYN who referred them to an endocrinologist after finding out that Div had Type-2 diabetes. She was asked to inject insulin three times a day and go on a diet.
Unlike her other pregnancies, Div was feeling great this time around. But at 20 weeks, she experienced bleeding. “Nag-o-open na naman ang cervix ko. Pinagalitan pa kami ni OB kasi bakit raw di ako nagpa-schedule ng cerclage. Hindi ko naman alam kasi hindi naman ako doctor, ‘di ba,” Div writes. She went ahead with the procedure despite being warned that it would not be 100% successful.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOWDiv admits they were already financially drained. But they would do anything for their baby. They loaned from friends and family but still, it was not enough.
“Dahil kulang kami sa pera, we tried to cut the cost of some medicines. Hindi rin naman kasi namin alam kung bibilhin namin kasi wala namang sinasabi si OB, kaya hindi na kami bumibili ng vitamins at progesterone. Talagang insulin na lang kasi mataas ang units na tinuturok ko at dapat every day ako nagtuturok.”
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Another baby lost
Div admits feeling scared every time she finds out she's pregnant.PHOTO BY Courtesy of Div RolloqueOn her 28th week, Div began bleeding again. “Pagdating sa ospital, naglelabor na talaga ako. Ang daming blood na lumalabas,” Div recalls.
She adds, “Nanganak ako that day to a handsome baby boy. Kamukhang kamukha ng tatay niya. 1.1 grams. He was alive. Narinig ko pa siyang umiyak.”
But their third baby, Peter Paul, did not make it. “Hindi nila in-incubator si baby kasi wala raw available. Wala raw itinurok na pampalakas ng baga ni baby kasi hindi raw available. Sabi nila ‘yung machine na kailangan ni baby, ang tawag doon ay CPAP, sa Vigan at Batac lang daw available at hindi pa raw 100% sure na available — baka may gumagamit na,” Div shares.
“Binigyan nila ng 1% chance na mabubuhay ang baby ko. Sabi ni Dev, i-grab namin ‘yun at sila na magtatakbo kay baby sa Vigan. Pero hindi sila pinayagan ng hospital kasi walang ituturok na pampalakas ng baga ni baby at walang ambulansiya. My baby was alive for eight hours fighting for that 1% chance to live,” she writes.
After the death of her third child, Div went on a downward spiral. They said it would be easier to have a baby while you are still young, but how come she had to say goodbye to all three of her angels? “I wish I was normal,” the mom pleaded in a post.
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Div didn’t want to get pregnant again. She practically lost all will to live. In an interview with SmartParenting.com.ph, Div shares, “Nag-rebelde ako, kumain ako ng bawal. Hindi ko na sinusunod ‘yung mga bilin ng endocrinologist ko. Hindi na rin ako nagsisimba.”
But her husband and friends did not give up on her. “My husband is the strongest person I’ve ever met. When we lost our three children, hindi niya ako binitawan, hindi niya ako sinukuan. His love is unconditional kahit alam kong nasasaktan din siya ng sobra sa mga nangyari sa’min. He is selfless,” Div says.
ADVERTISEMENT - CONTINUE READING BELOWOne of Div’s friends was also instrumental in her healing. “Lagi niya akong sinesendan ng picture ng isang puno na wala nang pag-asang mabuhay. Sabi niya dinidiligan niya araw-araw ‘yun, parang ako raw ‘yung puno. Sabi niya hindi raw siya mag-gi-give up, didiligan niya ‘yung puno hanggang sa magkadahon ulit,” says Div. “Hindi naman siya nabigo. From a lifeless tree, nagkaroon na ito ng mga dahon. Nung una kaunti at maliliit, pero ngayon dumadami na.”
Her rainbow baby
After three consecutive losses, Div and Dev were finally blessed with a baby girl.PHOTO BY Courtesy of Div RolloqueDiv wasn’t sure if she was ready to try for another baby. But through God’s grace, she got pregnant again in 2019.
"Lahat ng mga nawala, ibabalik ni Lord ng doble."
This time, she was determined to keep her child. “Eight weeks na ang tiyan ko nang malaman ko na preggy ako. Strict bed rest po ako the whole pregnancy.” Div explains. “I lost my job kasi pinili ko ang pagbubuntis ko. Hindi kasi ako pwedeng tumayo at maglalakad.”
Her rainbow baby, Janikkah Graciella, came out into the world early, too, but this time, she was safe. “Pinanganak ko siya 35 weeks and 5 days. Pero 37 weeks ang corrected gestation niya paglabas,” Div shares. Despite their struggles, the mom even counts herself lucky that she was able to breastfeed her little one for five months. Janikkah is now 9 months old.
Her journey to motherhood might have been long, tough, and painful, but if there’s one thing Div learned, it was to not give up on herself. More importantly, she clung on to what little faith she had left. “Lahat ng mga nawala, ibabalik ni Lord ng doble. Continue your faith kahit kakapiranggot man ‘yan, basta huwag ka lang bibitaw.”
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