To Everyone Who Thinks My Mom's Depression Is 'Pag-Iinarte', I Forgive You

TW: Depression, suicidal thoughts

October is both Breast Cancer and Mental Health Awareness Month. The open letter below is written by Mylene*, daughter of a breast cancer warrior who has also been diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder with Suicidal Thoughts.

Mylene's mother also battles with  another challenge: their family's understanding of depression or as it has been labelled, 'pag-iinarte'. Below, Mylene pens an honest letter and gives a peek into their family's fight against breast cancer and depression and addresses those who belittle depression.

To everyone who thinks my mom's depression is just 'pag-iinarte',

Written by a daughter of a wonderful warrior

I am a child of a wonderful warrior. I have my own Wonder Woman! And she is my Mom!

My mom is as strong as a tiger and as brave as a lion. She fills our home with so much joy. She cleans. She cooks. She washes the dishes. She does the laundry. She does everything. Everything. We are her life and she is our rock.

Until one day, an unforeseen storm entered our home. And that storm tested our rock. Our faith. My Mom was diagnosed last June 2023 with a rare condition of Breast Cancer, the Paget’s Disease of the Nipple. It started with just a tiny rash, flaking around the areola, and then the nipple flattened or inverted inward.

My mom is so strong, but now she's battling depression after recovering from Breast Cancer. 

Who would have thought this would turn our lives upside down in an instant? We've finish the initial checkup, to going back and forth to the hospital for several laboratory tests, to the scheduled breast surgery. Now we're here in our recovery journey.

Recovering is not easy. Everything happened so fast. So fast that we did not even realize, it has already been three months since her first-ever surgery in her entire healthy life. Yes, healthy. She hardly gets colds or flu! Strong, isn’t she?

She used to be like that. She had the Superwoman, Wonder Woman vibe. And this is the reason why it is so hard for her to accept what's happening and to move forward. She believes she is strong. She didn't realize we all have weaknesses. And she was not ready for that.

From Supermom to depression

She has kept her condition private for more than a year, battling it alone. She tried and wanted to be vocal, but couldn’t. Fear has been in control. She hasn't had enough sleep, no peace of mind.

Her second month or the post-op has been the toughest. She could not compose herself well. She still could not sleep properly. She still could not get find peace of mind. She kept looking at herself in the mirror, looking at her scar. Her beautiful scar. And she kept blaming herself.

Depressed. Anxious. With suicidal thoughts. This is my mom now. 

Depression is real

Do you believe in depression? Do you believe in anxiety?

Do we have any idea how hard it is for them? Do we have any idea how a person struggles from one problem to another? Do we know what’s in one’s mind?

No. Of course, not. 

We know nothing until we believe that something is not right with one’s health—physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. Depression is no joke. It is real.

My mom was diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety Disorder with Suicidal Thoughts.

Useless. Home-sickness. Hopelessness. Helpless. Low self-esteem. Self-blame. Unloved. Alone.

She has a lot on her mind and her mind cannot figure out what to process first. She does not know what else to feel, what else to say, and what else to do. Tears want to run down from her eyes, but it can’t. A heavy heart wants to scream out, but it can’t. She is not fully aware of her surroundings, or the people around her. She knows nothing now but her mood swings, tantrums, and all of the symptoms of her disorder.

"Nako, alam naman niya mga sinasabi niya. Alam naman niya mga ginagawa niya. Wala namang sakit na 'yan. Nag-iinarte lang yan," they said.

My mom loves her family. She will do anything and everything as long as her family is concerned. The last thing she will do in life is hurt her loved ones. And that will never happen.

But it happened. She has inadvertently hurt her family’s feelings. She did not mean to say those words. She did not mean to do those actions. In that moment, she feels alone, feeling sad, feeling left behind, feeling unloved. But she did not mean to hurt them in any way.

Those who received hurtful words and actions from my Mom have become distant. No more "Hi," no "Hello."

RELATED: What NOT to Say to Someone Who Has Depression by Two Moms Who Had It

"Nako, alam naman niya mga sinasabi niya. Alam naman niya mga ginagawa niya. Wala namang sakit na 'yan. Nag-iinarte lang yan," they said.

I felt bad. I felt sad. I got hurt. But who am I to judge them? Their emotions are valid. And their perspective about Depression and Anxiety are all valid.

I cannot easily say, "Please forgive my Mom. She is not okay right now." I cannot, not because I really can’t but because they have feelings. They have been hurt. By Mom. Unintentionally.

But oh, I can. I can forgive them for hurting my Mom too. I will focus on my Mom’s healing instead of listening to the noise. One of my confidants told me, I need to start forgiving, I need to start healing. So, I will.

My Mom needs my Dad and I. She needs patience, love, care, understanding, and support. What’s more important is the now. And the way we see tomorrow.

To everyone who thinks my mom's depression is pag-iinarte

You have made us stronger.

This battle is not easy, but Mom will win this. Not for you, not for me, not for Dad. But for herself. And we will wait for her patiently. Mapapagod at magpapahinga, pero hindi susuko.

Sometimes, we have to lose ourselves for a while. We struggle. We fall down. But what matters most is we always rise up and come back stronger than ever. We are family. We make mistakes, but love wins.

Yes, my Dad and I are her source of strength and resilience. My wonderful warrior is now cancer-free! Depression and anxiety? Victory is coming. And this is our story. Her story.

To everyone who is battling Breast Cancer, mental health conditions, you are great! You are strong. You have God. You will be healed in his mighty name. You survived—claim it! Victory is yours and yours forever. We are praying for you and are with you. You are precious.

*Names have been changed at the request of the author.

Mylene is an accounting supervisor who works full-time while caring for her mother. She and her mother enjoy traveling, cooking, and shopping together. Her father is an OFW.

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