Slater Young sparked a controversial discussion on fantasizing about other women. He said in a recent Skypodcast episode, “Yung mga group chat na nagse-send ng photos of girls and like fantasizing over it, it’s normal.”
He has already retracted his statement and apologized, but the discussion over the hot topic continues on. Over at Smart Parenting Village, a community of over 95,000 parents, an anonymous wife shared her own experience related specifically to the topic and asked for other parents’ point of view.
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In the discussion thread, the anonymous poster shared that they are in a long distance relationship. She said, “Wala mga mommies, sa asawa ko lang ako feeling secure. May behavior ako na pag may nagkakainteres sa aking lalaki, natatakot ako kaya lumalayo agad ako. Si hubby baligtad, welcoming ang personality niya, kaya nagiging kumportable agad mga girls, mahilig siya magbiro, mambola eme.”
“Feeling ko ito na nga po yung reason bakit nagawa niya ang emotional cheating. Nakakalungkot na ka-trabaho mukhang nag-fantasize siya ,” she also added.
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Parents were quick to comfort the anonymous wife, while sharing their own experience, opinions, and points of view.
Yan Monterona-Sincioco said, “Before marriage, while hubby and I were watching, out of the blue bigla na lang sinabi 'ang ganda talaga ni Liza Soberano'. What happened next was, away, as in matindi dahil nag-express ako na hindi ko gustong ganun. Nag-dahilan pa siya na porke artista lang. And my point was, hindi ko gusto na may na-appreciate siyang ibang ganda. Well that’s me. After that incident, hindi na na-ulit. The next time na napanood namin si Liza, ang sabi niya na, 'sus hindi naman maganda'. I know he could be just be joking but at least, alam na niya ang boundaries. I think that’s what you call respect.”
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Her story somewhat emphasized some things that need to be discussed in a relationship. If a partner is not comfortable with something, in this case, appreciating other women, then the partner should respect it and the couple can discuss their relationship's boundaries.
As Nabie Legaspi said, “It’s a matter of respect, content, and consent. Ultimately, mag-usap kayo. That you don’t appreciate it and that you would give him time to wean off of it--alisin niya sa habits niya. Sa una, it would require conscious work na umiwas. But he should do it for your security. Para sayo. You deserve peace of mind.”
Parents react to fantasizing while in a committed relationship
Jumping off Slater Young’s viral statement, the comment section from the anonymous wife asked whether it is really normal for men to fantasize about other women, even if they are already married?
Jemiah Claire Romero Castro differentiates fantasizing and admiring according to her. “Iba ang 'fantasizing' at 'admiring'. Ok lang to admire other people's beauty, physical appearance, etc but it's never ok to fantasize about it, lalo na't you're married.”
She said, “Usually, fantasizing is the beginning of emotional cheating. Admiring is like 'Ang ganda talaga ni (insert name) '. Fantasizing is 'ano kayang feeling to do IT with (insert name)'; though fantasizing is not always sexual but the mere fact that you're imagining yourself doing something with someone else instead of doing it with your partner, that can lead to cheating.”
She then shared what’s ‘normal’ for them as a couple, “For me, everytime na sasabihin ni LIP (live in partner) na 'Ang ganda ni Liza Soberano' (celebrity crush) I don't get offended. Same kapag ako naman ang kinikilig kay Jungkook. We actually tease each other with it. We even talk about his exes pero kapag 'what's behind that cloth' na ang pinapansin, ay iba na yun. Though hindi naman ito nangyayari sa amin.”
As a conclusion, she said, “Natural lang sa lalaki", ang ano? Maging unfaithful, walang contentment? This line is the reason why men think it's ok to look at other women even when they're in a marriage. Kasi they are being tolerated kasi nga "it's normal".”
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Nabie Legaspi further added, “I’m surprised that the doctor was the one normalizing and saying this is 'natural' with men. Una, I know a lot of men, married and not, including my partner, who does not take action on these fantasies. Yes, taking action ang searching for it. Walang soc-med surfing, walang eye drooling. So I disagree with your doctor that you should accept this as a norm.”
Daryl M. shared a scenario to make her explanation clear, “Nope. Always reverse the roles sa scenario in question. Ask him if OK lang ba sa kanya na nag-fafantasize ka ng ibang guys. If hindi OK sa kanya then he should stop fantasizing other girls.”
Zhara Pablo-Meneses joined in the discussion, “Just my opinion. Fantasies are common especially if mas bata ang edad. But I think it's not normal ('normal' like kasing normal lang nang maglakad at huminga). If it is, why don't some people do it?”
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To conclude the discussion of parents whether it is normal or not, Anthony James Perez shared his detailed perspective. “Women think it's ok for men to fantasize and objectify them as long as these fantasies are not acted out. Slater Young certainly thinks it's acceptable, even to the point of men talking about other women while still married to their wives.”
He then explained that ‘fantasizing’ for men is not as simple as it seems, “When we men fantasize about you (assuming you're not our wife), it is not as innocent as merely imagining your shapely body parts. That's just the beginning.”
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He added, “Dear wives, fantasies are not just fantasies--they often snowball into something perverse. Cheating and rape often begin with fantasizing rooted in objectification. We objectify those whom we fantasize about; we think about them in a multitude of depraved ways, without any thought to their dignity, in order to satisfy our selfish sexual desires. What kind of wives and mothers would allow their husbands, the spiritual leaders of their families and role models for their kids, to engage in such unmanly and unfatherly behavior?” (While we see the point being made by this comment, we'd like to also point out that husbands are 100% capable of being responsible for their mental activity the same way wives are. Therefore, to say that men objectifying women is wrong should be the sole burden of the men and not their wives or partners and should not reflect on their motherhood. -eds)
Sex therapist: don't demonize fantasies
Smart Parenting also gathered expert advice, coming from Dr. Rica Cruz, board certified sexologist, sex therapist, and Smart Parenting Board of Expert on Sex Education.
She said, “Psychology is such an interesting field, isn’t it? Especially if you start reading and learning before saying anything. Here’s a particular excerpt from a recent study that may pique your interest:
"Those high on primary psychopathy were more likely to perceive fantasizing and emotional expression as infidelity. Primary psychopathy is associated with greater emotional jealousy (Massar et al., 2017). Therefore, the association between primary psychopathy and perceiving fantasy and emotional expression as infidelity may, in part, reflect a greater overall sensitivity to infidelity. Further, primary psychopathy is characterized by lower empathy and perspective taking (Ali & Chamoro-Premuzic, 2010; Wai & Tiliopoulos, 2012).
As a consequence, it may be difficult for those high on psychopathy to understand their partner’s motivation for sexual fantasy (e.g., sexual release) or emotional relationships with others (e.g., companionship) and separate this from other behavior that more directly poses a threat to the primary relationship.”
What Dr. Rica Cruz explains here is the opinion of one who has not studied psychology, unlike herself, is likely to immediately associate sexual fantasies with infidelity based on their own experience and understanding of relationships while dismissing scientific research and data.
Dr. Rica Cruz shared on her official Facebook Page, “This is a reminder that yes, it’s normal for your husband to fantasize about others, and damn, you can too. BUT to actually condone non-consensual sending of photos of women in GCs full of men for them to treat it as pornography is disturbing. Women need to stand up for other women." (Referring to Slater Young’s statement).
She advises the OP (original poster) that if, in spite of studying and reading research, that one is still not comfortable with the idea of you or your partner having sexual fantasies, "Then you need to look into yourself and ask what makes it not okay."
Keep the discussion coming, Smart Parenting fam. Join us at Smart Parenting Village where Filipino parents can respectfully inquire and talk about family and parenting concerns in a safe space.
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