This Dad Wants To Make It Clear: Infidelity Has No Gender. Here's Why This Is Important For Parents

The following story came straight from the first-ever Smart Parenting daddy editor-at-large, and the man behind the DadbudPH Facebook community.

Smart Parenting's advocacy, now more than ever, is to include dads in parenting conversations. We want to provide a judgment-free space where dads can voice out their unique points of view, whether majority agrees or not. Smart Parenting remains a platform that's  pro-parents, and that includes dads.

Sadly, not all parenting stories are full of joyful adventures with kids and funny jokes about marriage. What I learned from running a Dad community for almost four years now is that parenting is surrounded by peripherals that contribute to the way we raise our children. From sex, finance, family dynamics, work, to health, all these things add up and affect our parenting. And the most important aspect is being a husband and partner to the mother of our kids.

Remember na hindi ka lang tatay, asawa ka din. There are realities we need to talk about as parents and a major one is infidelity. It is a sad thing that happens in our society that is as common as the topic of shows your children watch. Yes, it does happen and we should definitely talk about it. #realtalk

I was reading through some parenting groups and it is sad as it is alarming to read stories of infidelity and how this really affects the lives of the parties involved but more importantly, the children that suffer from the toxicity that comes after. Nambabae si mister or may kabit, anak sa iba, pangalawang pamilya, mga bagay na madalas natin marinig and too often it already sounds normal.

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A depiction of the Filipino male is synonymous to a culture of infidelity. But believe me when I say that the door swings both ways and as the world embraces equality and gender bias as a thing of the past, so it is with infidelity. But why do we seldom hear these stories of women finding other men, leaving their husbands or even getting pregnant by another man?

I run a community of Dads and a safe space where many guys share personal stories that reflect the modern lives of parenting from our point of view. The other side of the spectrum where the usually quiet guy enjoys a safe space to express private feelings that is not seen in the common area of discussions. A venue where we respect and understand one another because we know what it’s like to keep to ourselves and to contain feelings. The male ego that supresses any desire to be open about the feeling of getting hurt. A macho way of pretending that I am invincible even though deep inside, we are already at boiling point.

'Nakakalungkot pero totoo at nangyayari, men can be victims too. There, I said it.' —Joey Ong

You don’t hear these stories because men can be too shy to ask for equality even in infidelity. Yes brother, you are also just human so your feelings do matter and we are here for you if you need to tell us about it. 

Infidelity has no gender

When I read about these stories of infidelity and the denial that most men go through, it’s not hard to imagine how the Filipino culture of “macho” would react to it. From comments like “Kulang ka siguro sa ano?” Or “Baka hindi mo napapasaya” can easily be the first reactions of many yet in my experience, this is not the case.

The most common is distance and space that is sadly happening to most couples who are geographically challenged, when one person has to take the sacrifice of working away from his or her family in order to provide. What’s sad about this is how normal this type of infidelity is and how common it is in our OFW culture. I ask myself, is the sacrifice worth it when the stability of the family is put to the test?

It is shocking to read about stories of men working for months away then coming home to a pregnant wife who is a few weeks short of a full-term pregnancy but is ready to give birth. “Normal ba na 30 weeks lang pero full term?” is a question asked with the obvous doubt full of denial in our dad group. Flip this story and you have another situation where the woman is away in a lonely place, sacrificing for the family and finding refuge with another man, a story so common that some men just turn a blind eye for the reward of a comfortable life for his family back home. Yes, madaming martyr din na lalaki at marunong mag bulag-bulagan. This again is another aspect of humanity that is genderless. Suck it in and just go with the flow, because you are not the provider in this dynamic. Nakakalungkot pero totoo at nangyayari, men can be victims too. There, I said it.

Forgiveness is often the main topic in these discussions and the most common thing that happens is life never goes back to normal. Infidelity or the fault of doing something unforgettable is one that takes time to heal, if it ever does. Some men or women are strong enough to battle this demon but some are not and this for me is perfectly normal.

The real victims here are the children who eventually suffer from the broken dynamics that the act of one party brings to the family. It is hard to raise children in a place where there is unspoken hate and distrust. The advice men give in our community, surprisingly is split between moving on and trying hard to make it work for the kids.

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In the end, this is really up to the couple and their ability to talk things through. Damage is done and all that is left to do is move forward. Kung kaya mo, then good for you but if not and you will just make each other’s life a living hell then better to rethink the thought of staying together for the kids. They do not deserve the front row seats to a death match battle that’s about to go down in your home. 

So why the need to talk about the fact that infidelity is genderless as if this a defense for us men? I think as we move forward to less gender bias in the world of parenting, we need to understand and level off the playing field when it comes to what each person is and is not capable of doing. Hindi lang lalaki ang may kakayahan maging pasaway at hindi lang babae ang victim sa lahat ng kwento. Men need to be more open about these things and we should encourage more men to open up about our feelings.

Every person is not perfect, it’s never fair always assume that it is always the man’s fault in a new world we are building that allows the feelings of both men and women. The next time you think of doing anything you will regret, think of how you would feel if it happens to you and know that anything you do, the other person can do it too. The bottomline is, infidelity is wrong no matter who does it. There is no acceptable excuse to hurt another person's feelings and jeopardizing your family and the life your children deserves.

 

Joey Ong is a father of and husband to one.