‘Nakakapagod Mag-Alaga:’ Why Equality Matters In Marriage

Many wives jokingly refer to their husbands as their eldest child, saying, “Panganay ko yan eh–reflecting how some men rely on their partners for almost everything. Similar to raising children, wives may feel as if they’re also “raising” their husbands–preparing their meals, doing their laundry, managing the household, and handling decisions both big and small.

While some may argue that most of these duties are part and parcel of mothers taking care of their families, we should also acknowledge the fact that times have changed. Many mothers today balance their careers and family life. If women have grown to their roles of contributing financially while also caring for their families, then shouldn’t men also step up? Shouldn’t men be expected to carry their own weight in child-rearing, or at the very least, handling their own personal needs?

One mother recently shared her struggle with her husband’s dependence on her in the Smart Parenting Village, a community of over 100,000 parents on Facebook. She asked, “How do you know na mahal mo pa ang asawa mo o nagtitiis nalang kayo kasi nakasanayan na at para sa mga bata?”

She further explained that the cause of this loss of love is because she’s tired of taking care of their and her husband, whom she thinks is “overly dependent” on her, writing, “Pagod na kasi ako sa pagiging over dependent niya sa akin, to the point na pati isusuot niya ako ang namimili. Why? Kasi siya ang tipo ng tao na kung ano yung bago, yun at yun lagi ang suot. Minsan, kahit hindi na match eh isusuot pa din.

“Pati ang dadaanang kalye, ako ang kokonsultahin kasi baka daw magalit ak kung may iba pala akong gustong daanan. Sa pagbili ng grocery items, minasama niya na may limit sa bibilhin kahit na pinaliwanag ko naman ang dahilan kung bakit tight ang budget,” she went on, explaining that both mundane and practical decisions add on to her everyday mental load.

She ended the post by saying how their seeming exhaustion of each other leads to arguments, “Nakakapagod na mag-alaga ng hindi naman bata. Hindi naman din ako perpekto, pero pakiramdam ko nagtatalo at nag-aaway na lang kami dahil nabibigatan na kaming dalhin ang isa’t isa.”

‘Do Not Mother Our Men’

Dr. Rica Cruz, sex therapist, founder of Unprude, and member of the Smart Parenting Board of Experts, says it best in her post: “Mother our children, but do not mother our men.”

The reason? “He’s not your child. And if you keep carrying all the weight because you see him as one of your children, it will eventually wear you down because you will feel responsible for him too when he’s an adult,” Dr. Rica explains, which echoes exactly what the original poster is feeling. “You’re so exhausted with all the weight that you’re carrying, it will be impossible for you to walk away… You will also have difficulties feeling desire for him because in your head, he’s already your child,” Dr. Rica adds.

“So please know that your husband is capable. He’s an adult. He can do things on his own. Focus on your children and let him figure things out. Let him step up to the plate and do things that he needs to do.”-Dr. Rica Cruz

Millennial Parents Can Do So Much Better

Here’s the thing, millennial parents have proven time and time again how much they’re willing to work to be better for their families. Aside from putting in the work to be better parents to their children, they’re putting in the effort to be better partners as well. Many pursue a balanced partnership or an equitable marriage.

In an equitable marriage, both husband and wife share the mental and physical load of running the household and raising the family. Gender roles are no longer as distinct as in the previous generations. In the same way that women can excel in their careers and contribute significantly to their family’s resources, men too can cook, do the laundry, and raise their children just as excellently. This setup cultivates deep respect for each other’s boundaries and appreciation for each person’s contributions.

How to Build an Equitable Partnership

In the comment section, several parents offered their tips on how to alleviate the original poster’s situation and perhaps, establish a more equitable partnership, including:

Communicate Openly

Several parents said that it’s best for the original poster to get her husband’s side of the story. Cha dela Cruz wrote, “Yung pagod nawawala, kailangan niyan masinsinang pag-uusap.” While Melody Velayo emphasized talking to the husband to seek what his current situation is and for the original poster to assess how she treats him, “Better get his side. Baka sobrang stressed na siya sa work, tipong for other simple matters eh ayaw na niya or pagod na siya mag-isip. Or maybe, nasanay siya na kapag nagkamali siya ay nasesermonan mo, so he just automatically defers to you.”

Other parents also asked if the husband knows what the wife feels, as Rudity Beker pointed out, “Alam ba ni husband yung mga ayaw mo, kung saan ka napapagod? Napag-usapan niyo ba? Na next time ikaw na sa ganito, ganyan, huwag mo na i-ask sa akin (okay lang sa akin). Parang sabi mo kasi ang sinasabi niya is para hindi ka magalit? So may rason ba siya para hindi na siya magdesisyon at sumunod nalang sa iyo?”

These parents highlight again the importance of communication in any successful relationship. For an equitable marriage to work, partners should talk to each other at all times–admit what they can and cannot do and be vocal about what they feel.

As Edeline Carreon wrote, “It’s better na mag-usap, lika kamustahan. Baka kasi si husband pagod at marami rin iniisip. Wala naman perfect husband and wife, baka may lack of communication lang. Pwede mo sabihin sa kanya yung nararamdaman mo like mga gusto at ayaw mo, at ganon din siya sayo para aligned kayo sa isa’t isa.”

Work Together with Respect

Another dad, highlighted the importance of couples working together with respect, honoring each other’s decision without blame no matter the outcome.

Dad Ian Michael talked about this in his comment, even answering most of the poster’s main points. He wrote, “Let me start by saying your feelings are valid. You come into a marriage for a partner in life, hindi dagdag alagain. But please consider:

“Sa isusuot, I feel you are trying to control his sense of fashion. How do you say ba na hindi bagay ang suot niya… Kasi malamang naman bago naging kayo, siya naman ang nagdedecide. If all of a sudden he is dependent sayo, baka he is just trying to please you na.

“In terms of making decisions, I think he lets you choose kasi if he chooses at mali, he gets the blame. Try to decide beforehand and make decisions together. At sa situations na iisa lang ang nagdedecide and may bad outcome, please do not blame. Work on a solution together. I think he just doesn’t feel confident making decisions because he fears the results.”

Respect and trust are essential in an equitable partnership. Just like in any successful team, partners should trust and believe in each other’s intentions and efforts.

Building an “equal” relationship requires effort and sometimes a shift in perspective, but it can lead to a healthier, more supportive partnership. An equal partnership not only strengthens a marriage but also models cooperation and respect for children.

As Dr. Rica advises wives on her video, “You are not his mother. So step back, step back, and eventually you’ll thank me because he will feel more confident to be a man for you.”

Here’s how having an equal partnership can help us be better parents.