What Millennials Wish Others Would Stop Saying About Parenting

Millennials are quite different from other generations. We are the last generation to experience life before the internet, yet we adapted as it evolved. We’ve moved from cassette tapes to streaming, video rentals to Netflix.

Millennials experienced the best of both worlds—the world before the internet and the world overly exposed to it. Today, many millennials are parents. We research, question, and aren’t afraid to challenge practices rooted in “Nakasanayan na.” We are brave enough to try and embrace new methods like gentle parenting, baby-led weaning, ending the sandwich generation, and self-care. We’re not afraid to push back against outdated systems.

This often makes us the target of unsolicited advice, usually from older generations. We asked millennial parents from the Smart Parenting Village, an online community of over 110,000 parents–to share the most common comments they usually hear, and why they feel people should stop saying these. 

On Having Another Baby with a Different Gender

Recently, we asked one-and-done parents about the unsolicited comments they receive, such as “Sundan niyo na yan.” Weirdly enough, parents with two or more children of the same gender also often hear a similar comment.

Alyssa Laxamana, mother to two daughters, was often told, “Isa pang anak, para may boy.” She explained, “Hindi na kaya ng katawan ko. Nung nanganak ako sa pangalawa, feeling ko mapuputukan ako ng ugat sa ulo kasi hindi ko na kaya nun. May pumipitik pitik sa ulo ko nung oras na yun. Until now, pag may nararamdaman akong masakit, pipitik ulit yun sa ulo ko. Kaya nasasabi kong baka hindi ko na kayanin yung susunod pang panganganak. Tapos hindi na sapat ang budget. Kawawa lang ang mga bata kung hindi mabibigyan ng maayos na buhay. Kaya okay na okay na ako sa 2 beautiful girls. Gusto ko din mabawi yung dati kong katawan pag laki laki nila.”

Cherry Vi, a mother of three sons, shared, “Every time… as in every time, pag may naka-alam na we have 3 sons, they would quickly suggest we try for a daughter. They don’t know the pain I’m hiding, knowing I wanted a baby girl but I lost my only daughter in a life and death situation. Our bunso is a rainbow baby na iniyakan ko pa because of fear sa nangyari samin ng baby girl ko. Kaya ako mismo, I don’t suggest or comment about having another baby, because we have no idea what they’ve been through.”

Ally Junsay and Barbie Rana-Vidal also went through this, and would often get comments such as “Mag-anak pa kayo ng isa, para may girl/boy na.” But when Ally Junsay got pregnant with her third child, someone said to her, “Buntisin ka pala, bakit mo sinundan agad, 3 years old pa lang ang bunso mo?”

On Gender-Based Comments

On a family trip to Vigan, our daughter was insistent on having a wooden sword because we told her she could buy one item from Calle Crisologo. We asked the seller how much it was, but she only replied, “Ay, pang-lalaki ito. Bakit gusto mo, baby girl?”

Mardy Nieva, another mom, also shared, “‘Ay! Madaming paiiyaking babae yang anak mo paglaki!’ Jusko! Ito talaga nagpapakulo ng dugo ko kapag naririnig ko ito especially sa mga strangers.”

On Trying to Conceive (and Having More Children)

Trying to conceive is another topic that usually invites all sorts of opinions. Sherry Ebora was bluntly asked, “Bakit wala pa? Baog ba?”

Meanwhile, April Teneza-Gervacio said people often tell her, “Kelan ba kayo mag-aanak? Tagal niyo na kasal ah. Tingnan niyo mga kasabayan niyo.” She then shared that they are struggling with health and stress from work. She said, “Akala nila, madali lang mag-conceive.”

Eya Hudson has also experienced this, hearing, “Ang tagal niyo na ng asawa mo, ayaw mo pa rin magbuntis. Baka may deperensya ka.” But when she already got pregnant, she heard another comment, “Magparami ka ng lahi kasi foreigner asawa mo. Sayang ang lahi.”

On Breastfeeding

Millennial parents, armed with knowledge on breastfeeding, often make great efforts to breastfeed. Still, others freely share their opinions.

Regina Lyn shared, “I decided to breastfeed my older child while pregnant (did this with my second and third child). Other relatives and strangers would say, ‘Hindi mo na dapat pinapadede yan, kinukuhaan niya ng sustansya yung baby kawawa naman.’”

Jenny Jacinto-Aquino added, “As a padedemom, I often get asked, ‘Anong ginagawa mo sa loob ng bahay? Bakit hindi ka man lang lumalabas?’”

MI Reroma also shared, “Bakit daw ang lakas ko kumain, pag tumaba daw ako baka iwanan ako. Kever. I'm a breastfeeding momma.”

On Physical Appearance

It’s always “Tumaba ka”, or if you lose weight, “May sakit ka ba?” These moms shared the comments they heard, “Bakit ang taba mo na, dalawa pa lang naman ang anak mo? Mag-diet ka, baka maghanap ng kapalit yung asawa mo,” Rayche Krishna San Felipe said.

Joan Mira-Quintia added, “Yung matanda sa kabilang hospital bed: ‘Nanganak ka na? Ay ang laki pa din ng tiyan mo? Ako nung kabataan ko achuu.. Achuu..’” She added, “Ako na one day pa lang after ma-CS, unang lakad at papuntang cr para umihi for the first time after the operation.”

On Parenting Style

Millennial parents also try different parenting styles, doing what works best for their family. And because some approaches look more radical than what previous generations are used to, we often get comments on how we raise our children. 

Hayley Dionisio, an OFW mom was told, “Maliit pa ang baby niyo, dapat ikaw ang nag-aalaga sa anak mo.” She explained “Mahal po mabuhay sa ibang bansa. Kaya kelangan doble kayod.”

When Regina Lyn decided to be a hands-on parent, she was told, "Hindi mo kaya yan, kailangan mo ng yaya. Kami kumuha kami yaya para mag-alaga sa inyo. Ok naman kayo ngayon."

Arrey GL also shared a comment she heard when she decided to become a stay-at-home mom, “Sayang lang yung pinag-aralan mo kung nag-yaya ka lang sa mga anak mo.”

Alou Detera, a working mom of three sons with a husband abroad, often heard, “‘Bakit ka pa nagtatrabaho? Better stop and and mag-focus ka sa mga anak mo, tutal nasa abroad na si Mister.’ They even asked me to resign nung nag-abroad na si hubby.” When her husband passed away a year after, she shared, “I was so devastated that time. Imagine if nag-resign ako, saan kami pupulutin mag-iina? And also yung aking work and workmates served as my support system para makarecover sa pagkawala ni husband.”

KR Samson practiced baby-led weaning for her daughter, which is a different approach to introducing solids. She would often get comments like, “Huwag mo pakainin anak mo nang pasta. Dapat mashed lang.” She added, “I mean, you do you ha pero never ever question what I feed my child. When it comes to my child and my parenting, manahimik ang walang ambag! Charing hahaha nakaka dragon kasi!!!”

Han Isidro-Calupitan was told, “Mag-abroad na kayo, kami mag-aalaga sa mga anak niyo. Pag-uwi naman kayo pa din hahanapin nyan.” 

Sherr Alyssa San Jose also shared the comments she usually hears from her parents and relatives, “Magtatrabaho ka pa ba?”, “Bakit kasi hindi ka magtrabaho, ipaalaga mo sa mama mo yang anak mo!” “Buti ka nga nandyan mama mo na gustong mag-alaga.” She added, “Na-appreciate ko naman yung concern, pero mas gusto ko kasi talaga na matutukan ang paglaki ng anak ko. Isa pa, iniiwasan ko magkaroon ng conflict sa way ng pagdiscipline and yung sa pag establish ng routine (especially may tendency ang mga lola at lolo na i-contradict yung ginagawa ko e.g. no screentime kami ni baby tapos gusto nila papanoorin lang ng papanoorin si baby kasi dun daw matututo). Gusto ko mas maging solid yung foundation ni baby habang lumalaki para pag kaya na niya mag-isa, hindi siya basta ma-sway sa challenges ng outside world.”

On Health/Medical Advice

Sadly, millennial parents frequently hear unsolicited medical-related comments like, “Lagnat-laki lang yan.” 

Joy C. Teoxon shared, “Yung mga tanong na bakit kailangan pang magpa-consult sa Developmental Pedia at magpa-therapy ‘gastos lang yan,’ ‘naglalaro lang naman sila dyan,’ ‘delay lang yan, kayo nga dati ganito ganyan ok naman.’”

She also added, “Kapag may sakit naman ang bata sasabihin, ‘ang selan mo kasi, ‘Check up agad? Try mo muna ganito, ganyan, effective naman kay ganito.’"

Marinella Cruz also experienced this when she was pregnant, “Nung na-ospital ako because of subchorionic hemorrhage and early contractions, ito ang sabi, ‘Ang selan naman pala magbuntis niyang asawa mo, ang gastos.’ First baby mo tapos ganyan sasabihin.”

Other Comments

Antonette Velasco was told, "'Dapat ang nanay nasa bahay lang, hindi na pwedeng gumala.' Hindi na raw pwedeng gumala.”

Jack Napier heard, “Anak mo talaga yan?” He proudly notes that he sometimes takes it as a compliment on his children’s looks.

Lisa Dy recalls, “Bakit pinag-aral mo pa sa *____* yan? Dapat diyan na lang *other nearby school*.” She responded, “No offense, but we have a certain educational philosophy that we want to uphold. (Kaso hirap nito i-explain sa mga di naman nakapag-pedagogy).”

Lastly, Jastinne Clement-Santiago, was told, “Bakit ka single mom? Ang pamilya may nanay at tatay dapat.”

It only takes a minute to consider th impact of our words. May these stories remind us to always speak with kindness and empathy.

Share your parenting stories at Smart Parenting Village.