Feeling Stuck In Your Marriage? This Might Be The Reason

The old Filipino saying “Ang pag-aasawa ay hindi katulad ng mainit na kanin na kapag isinubo mo at napaso ka ay agad na iluluwa,” hits differently once you’re actually married.

Marriage is hard work. We fight for it, sacrifice for it, and do our best to make it thrive. But sometimes, despite the long talks, heated arguments, and endless relationship tips we apply, we still feel stuck. 

“Ganito na lang ba palagi,” is a familiar thought for many couples. Life keeps moving—work, kids, bills—but something inside the relationship feels frozen, stuck in a loop we can’t explain.

At a recent marriage workshop, coaches and authors Dreus and Love Cosio revealed a concept that might explain why many couples feel disconnected despite their best efforts: the Couples’ Disconnection Loop.

“Even if we’ve listened to all the marriage advice out there—like what we hear from content creators or marriage coaches—sometimes, it still doesn’t work.”—Love and Dreus Cosio

Why you can’t understand your spouse

“Even if we’ve listened to all the marriage advice out there—like what we hear from content creators or marriage coaches—sometimes, it still doesn’t work,” said Dreus and Love during their Love Deeper workshop.

“It is called the Couples’ Disconnection Loop. As individuals, we have our own Triggers and Coping Mechanism. Simula bata pa lang tayo, nabuo na natin ito. How we react to certain things, how we perceive emotions, and how we see what’s around us. It can both be conscious and unconscious. It is intricately built within ourselves, so some generic marriage tips will not apply to us,” the couple explained. 

Dreus and Love emphasized that since couples are different individuals, their Triggers and Coping Mechanisms are different. Sometimes, they are so different from each other that the other party has no idea what it feels like to be the other person. 

For example, a wife may feel triggered by a sense of being isolated, unwanted, or unappreciated. As a result, she may be irritable, shut down, and feel like she has to control everything. On the surface, the husband sees a wife who is always angry and nags about everything. 

Meanwhile, the husband may feel triggered by failure or disrespect. He copes by doomscrolling, becoming critical, or shutting down emotionally. His wife will only see him as distant and overly judgmental. 

"As individuals, we have our own Triggers and Coping Mechanism. Simula bata pa lang tayo, nabuo na natin ito. How we react to certain things, how we perceive emotions, and how we see what’s around us."—Love and Dreus Cosio

Neither truly understands what’s going on under the surface, so the same fights happen again and again without resolution.

“That’s why it’s called Couples’ Disconnection Loop,” the Cosios explained. “If we don’t pinpoint the source of the trigger, paulit-ulit lang. Paikot-ikot, without really finding the root cause. Without seeing that, we can never solve the problem at hand.

Breaking the Disconnection Loop

So, how do you break the loop? According to the Cosios, it starts with “reparenting the little boy or girl inside us.”

“Because some of our wounds came from childhood, it’s already ingrained in our mind. It created some automatic responses for us. Sometimes, on the first sign of danger, our rational thinking shuts down, our fight-or-flight mode takes over, and we automatically resort to our coping mechanisms,” the Cosio couple thoughtfully explained.

This is similar to how we approach conscious parenting today: we’re trying to break harmful cycles from the past. The same approach applies in marriage. 

Husbands and wives carry different wounds, traumas, and childhood experiences that unconsciously affect how they react to certain things. For instance, a wife who grew up in a family that doesn't talk to each other may shut down during arguments. For her, staying silent during those times is normal and helpful. But if the husband grew up in a loud, expressive household, arguing might feel normal—even necessary. He sees her silence as coldness; she sees his raised voice as aggression. Both are reacting based on past programming.

Money habits can also reveal childhood wounds. Someone who grew up in a household where money is tight may become overly frugal, which their partner might interpret as stingy or controlling, “Tinitipid mo naman kami masyado.” Again, both are reacting from experience, not malice.

Reparenting starts by becoming aware of your emotional blueprint: internalizing your wounds, triggers, and coping mechanisms.

Unless these unconscious patterns are brought to light and acknowledged, the Disconnection Loop continues—and the cycle will only repeat itself until one or both surrender by emotionally checking out. 

Reparenting yourself

How do we reparent the little boy or girl in us? Reparenting starts by becoming aware of your emotional blueprint: internalizing your wounds, triggers, and coping mechanisms. This might take a while, and some wounds may trigger unpleasant feelings, but it’s the only way to break the disconnection loop.

It means asking yourself:

1. Is there any parenting memory that affects your triggers and way of communication?
2. Is there a significant scenario in the past where words used toward you affected your way of communication?
3. Is there a negative marriage belief you acquired based on what you saw, heard, or felt that affected you?

(Questions shared from Dreus and Love Cosio’s Love Deeper Workshop, used with permission)

Answering these may feel uncomfortable, which is okay. It’s part of the healing process. Recognizing your triggers and coping styles is the first step to change.

The next step is to discuss your realizations with your spouse. The Cosios remind couples to be careful in communicating these and to open up about what they feel, not pointing out the other person’s “wrong.”

“When you have something to open up, letting your spouse know how you feel helps start the conversation,” Dreus and Love said. 

Love for our partners needs to grow and evolve. And sometimes, that evolution starts by looking back, not forward.

You can say: “I realized I shut down during arguments because it’s how I protected myself as a kid.” Instead of: “You never let me speak during fights.”

Always remember that the goal is to connect, not to attack. When both partners work on themselves, they can better explain and understand each other’s pain, fears, and reactions. That’s how true intimacy is built.

It’s a work in progress

Marriage is not about having perfect communication—it’s about honest growth. Reparenting your inner child and breaking the Disconnection Loop is not an overnight nor an easy fix. It takes time, vulnerability, and a lot of grace—for yourself and for your partner.

But it’s worth it.

Love for our partners needs to grow and evolve. And sometimes, that evolution starts by looking back, not forward.

Interested in diving into this process as a couple? Watch out for the next Love Deeper workshop with Dreus and Love Cosio! Follow Dreus and Love Cosio on Facebook, Instagram, and Tiktok. Listen to their podcast here. 

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