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I Love My Husband But I Don’t Like Having Sex. Is Something Wrong With Me
  • Keeping intimacy alive in relationships is vital, and one way to maintain the “spark” is to have a healthy sex life. But what happens when you have a low desire for intercourse? Is it still possible to have a happy and loving relationship but lack the physical connection?

    Why moms dislike sex

     A lack of sex drive for women is more common than you think, especially for new moms who are hands on with their babies and for those who have just given birth. (Read a mom's #SPConfession on why she doesn't find sex interesting anymore after having a baby here.)

    Apart from being exhausted caring for their little one, their reproductive hormones also crash to menopausal levels after birth. If they are breastfeeding, this can also lower estrogen levels even more, which leads to vaginal dryness and a loss of sex drive, according to Motherly.

    Can I love my partner but dislike making love?

     “While problems with our sex life can certainly have a negative influence on our romantic relationships, there are many of us who report having low sexual desire yet are still deeply in love with our partners,” shares sex researcher and relationship therapist Sarah Hunter Murray, Ph.D., in her column for Psychology Today.

    In a study published in the The Journal of Sex Research, experts interviewed women who identified themselves as being in loving, long-term relationships but with a decreased sexual desire. Many of them stated that “they saw sexual desire and love for their partner as being completely unrelated.”

    However, there were also women who felt guilty and blamed themselves for their lack of interest when it comes to sex. They also questioned whether something was wrong with them for failing to respond to their partner’s enthusiasm.

    Fearing that their relationship will suffer, some participants shared that they would agree to have sex to satisfy their partner’s needs. Others would find excuses to avoid the act altogether, including pretending to be asleep or refusing to give affection so that their husbands won’t get “the wrong idea.

    How to have a happy, healthy relationship if you don’t desire sex

    According to the study, just because women experienced a decrease in sexual desire in their relationships does not mean that they have lost that desire completely. Participants shared that when they did have sex, they could still experience sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

    “They may not always feel desire to have sex, but once they engaged, they could enjoy themselves,” shares Murray.

    If you are going through a similar situation, it’s important not to pressure yourself to resume intimacy with your partner. Especially if you’ve just given birth.

    Take some time to focus on yourself and invest on self-care. Moms need to be happy, healthy, and satisfy her own needs before she can care for and satisfy others.

    Having an honest conversation with your husband is also crucial. Make sure he understands why you are feeling this way or why you are not in the mood for sex. Be open to compromise — without blaming yourself — because your partner has his own set of needs, too.

    If married sex feels like a chore, it might be time to explore different ways to make making love more exciting. There’s role play and sexting (to build up the desire) and you can always try new positions in the bedroom (or other parts of the house!). Speak up and tell your partner what turns you on and what’s pleasurable for you.

    Remember that there are other ways to be intimate, too. In the study, “women also stressed the importance of coming up with other forms of closeness and touch when sexual activity was not on the table,” Murray notes.

    It can be as simple as holding hands and having a date night at home or making out, taking a shower together, and cuddling afterward for more skinship. Who knows, it might even lead to something more. And if it doesn’t, then your partner should respect your decision.

    How do you sneak in sexy time when the kids are always around? A sex therapist shares her tips here.

    What other parents are reading

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