Saab Magalona On Why 'Silent Expectations' Need To Be Spoken

Saab Magalona shared a post-Valentine's reflection on Instagram about a certain expectation she unknowingly held in her relationship with her husband, Jim Bacarro. She opened up about a time when she acted "passive-aggressive" toward Jim because he hadn't given her flowers, all due to her unspoken expectations. So no, it wasn't just about the flowers.

ALSO READ: Talking About Love With Jim And Saab Magalona-Bacarro

Saab wrote, "Alexa, play 'I Can Buy Myself Flowers' by Miley. Technically, pwede naman! It would have been one thing to feel tampo because I simply wanted flowers. I feel like that would've been easier to communicate. But I was REALLY getting affected by it. I couldn't understand why, so there was an added shame for being ‘so OA.’ Finally, I understood why. And thankfully, Jim volunteers to gift me some comfort through flowers."

In her posts, she further explained how, for years, she pretended not to care about receiving flowers. She even tried to play it cool, telling herself, "I'm so chill I don't need to get flowers." But when she didn't receive them, Saab found herself hurt, harboring passive-aggressive energy toward Jim.

She once asked herself, "Why does this bother me so much? Why do I feel ashamed for wanting something so simple?" This led her to recall that her late dad, Francis Magalona, gave her and her siblings roses with handwritten notes every Valentine's Day. The absence of flowers, she realized, reminded her of losing her dad.

When Saab communicated her deeper feelings to Jim, everything changed. She no longer felt silly for "caring about flowers," and Jim began to understand their emotional value to her. From that moment on, Jim never missed a chance to give Saab flowers. Awww!

She concluded, "Silent expectations exist in so many relationships—romantic, friendships, even family. When you learn to understand and love yourself, you can better express your needs without shame."

What Are Silent Expectations?

Saab mentioned silent expectations, but what are they? Silent expectations are the unspoken beliefs we have about how others should act. We expect certain things, like how someone should respond or behave, but we don't always say them out loud, and sometimes, we don't even realize we have them. Problems arise when these unspoken expectations go unmet, making us upset or frustrated.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on relationships, suggests that we often form these expectations based on past experiences, social norms, or personal beliefs. For instance, you may expect your partner to help with the dishes because you've seen them in past relationships or because you believe this behavior should be shared equally in a household. However, unless you've explicitly communicated these expectations, your partner may be unaware of them.

The Impact of Unspoken Expectations

Often, we operate on "auto-pilot," going through the motions of life and interacting with others without consciously analyzing the expectations we hold. We may not think to verbalize these expectations, much less take the time to sit and reflect on whether they are realistic or fair.

When unspoken expectations are unmet, the impact can range from mild disappointment to significant frustration. According to a study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, unmet expectations in romantic relationships can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, emotional distancing, and even conflict. This is because both parties may not fully understand why they are upset. One person may feel misunderstood or taken for granted, while the other may feel unjustly blamed for something they weren't aware of.

Similarly, in friendships or family relationships, if one person expects constant contact but never expresses that desire, they may feel neglected or underappreciated, even if the other person is unaware of the expectation.

How to Identify and Address Silent Expectations

The first step in managing unspoken expectations is recognizing that they exist. Pay attention to your emotional responses when you feel upset or disappointed. Are you frustrated because reality didn't match your idea of how things "should" have gone? That could signal an unspoken expectation.

Once you've identified your expectations, consider your partner's perspective. Did they know what you were expecting? Did they share the same vision? If the answer is no, chances are your expectations were unspoken or misunderstood. The next and most important step is to communicate clearly: express your feelings and desires without demanding that your needs be met, and invite understanding and compromise instead. 

How to Adjust Expectations for Greater Satisfaction

Once you've identified and communicated your silent expectations, it's important to manage them moving forward. Sometimes, our expectations can be unrealistic or too rigid. Adjusting your expectations may lead to greater satisfaction in your relationships.

Reevaluate your expectations
Are your expectations realistic and fair? It can be helpful to assess whether your expectations are reasonable and whether they align with others' capabilities.

Be flexible
Life is unpredictable, and sometimes, our expectations may not be met due to circumstances beyond our control. Flexibility and adjusting our expectations when things don't go as planned can help reduce frustration and stress.

Practice empathy
Instead of assuming someone purposely ignores your expectations, practice empathy by considering their perspective. They may have different priorities or may not understand the importance of what you expect. Understanding their point of view can help you be more patient and compassionate.

Silent expectations can significantly impact our relationships, causing frustration, disappointment, and confusion when they go unmet. The key to managing these expectations is first to recognize them and then communicate them clearly.

When expectations are openly shared between partners, misunderstandings are minimized, and even one's relationship with oneself will likely thrive. Addressing unspoken expectations can lead to stronger, more fulfilling connections with others.

Click here to see what a husband says exhausted moms need most from dads.