Sex Talk On Your Tween's Messenger? Experts Say Parents Should Never React This Way

You saw your tween’s mobile phone or tablet on the table. You checked it, partly out of curiosity, but also maybe, part of you wants to make sure that he’s not involved in something he shouldn’t be involved in.

And then you see it. A chat group with a suspicious name. Of course, you open it. And you see videos and photos of either a sexual or even violent nature. You read messages talking about inappropriate things and using curse words. You check the members, and you see nicknames that express misogynist or extreme statements. And your child is part of it.

Of course, it’s understandable if your first reaction is to get angry and shout at your child, ground him, or confiscate his device.

But just stop and discern for a minute. And consider that the one thing you should do is to talk to him. Here’s why:

Private or breakaway chats are common among tweens

Friendships are incredibly important for teens, and tweens, or kids aged 9 to 12 years old, are also beginning to realize that. Friendships help young people feel a sense of acceptance and belonging, and they play a key role in the development of compassion, caring, and empathy.

When we were tweens, we had our barkada–that group of people we hang out with at the school canteen or after dismissal. These days, barkada hangouts include chat groups. It’s where they talk about school work, share new digital games they might be playing, and just talk about anything under the sun.

Smart Parenting Board of Expert, Dr. Gail Reyes-Galang, a child and family expert, says that “Tweens engage in group chats to feel a sense of belonging.” And she says that getting involved in a “breakaway group chat” or a chat group that might be separate from an official school or class chat groups is common for kids their age. “It is not unusual to have a separate group chat, one without the class adviser. For these kids, creating a separate group chat is a safe space where they can keep asking questions without fear of being judged as inattentive, slow, or dull-minded. If used properly, group chats can serve as a strong support system, where peers can encourage each other and talk freely about common interests.”

However, unsupervised group chats mean they can talk about anything and everything

Unfiltered tweens can be tricky. Dr. Gail says that “Other kids in the group chat can take the discussion elsewhere to seek attention. Others engage in the discussion for the sake of peer pressure or wanting to fit in. Some kids need validation that they’re cool enough to talk about adult content.”

This pressure to “fit in” and be “cool” might be the reason why unsupervised tween group chats can have a few “inappropriate content.” This can include sensual or violent videos, curse words, or even discussion of sex topics.

If you see your child talking about sex in an unsupervised chat group, take it as an opportunity to talk to him

Smart Parenting Board of Expert, Dr. Rica Cruz, sex and relationships therapist, says that if your child is talking about sex, or using nicknames in chat groups with sexual innuendos, “may konteksto iyan, may pinanggagalingan, which means they might have seen something [sexual], they also might have been exploring themselves. [At that age,] pre-pubescent yan.”

She also says that tweens have the tendency to talk about sexual things in unsupervised group chats because similar to what Dr. Gail said, it’s their safe space, where they feel they can talk about anything without being judged. “It’s really having that space where they can just say whatever they want. They know that they won’t get scolded. Hindi sila papagalitan, hindi sila judged. Lahat naman tayo [gusto nang ganyang space], so they also want that.”

If you want the best for your child, would you rather your child know about these things and continue learning about them from their peers rather than from you? Do you want them to be misguided by what they see online, as opposed to swallowing your pride and overcoming that awkwardness to provide the guidance they need?

“But the problem there is, bakit [sila natatakot] na they will be judged? Bakit [sila natatakot] na papagalitan sila kapag ganon ang konteksto?”

“Ibig sabihin, hindi rin open iyung communication between the parent and the child. Hindi rin maayos na naipapaliwanag iyung mga ganitong bagay. So parang may feeling na mali din iyung ginagawa nila.”

Dr. Rica recommends that in such cases, parents should talk to their kids to know the full context and understand what he knows.

“Ano ba iyung nalaman niya?”

“Noong nakita niya iyung pornography [or sexual content] o may nagsabi sa kanya [tungkol doon], bakit hindi niya nasabi sa mga magulang niya? He’s curious about it [pero hindi niya natanong sa magulang nya]. Bakit ang alam niya agad ‘ay bawal ito, pagagalitan ako.’”

She further said that given the proliferation of content in the Internet and social media these days, kids are bound to encounter sex-related content, no matter how vigilant parents might be in keeping it away from them. And if parents are not too keen on how pop culture portrays sex, or if they think it does not align with their family values, then they should be the one to talk to their kids about it.

“Kung gugustuhin [ni parent] na sa kanya malaman, then [the parent] should provide the space for it.”

Dr. Rica says that sex should be a recurring conversation between parents and kids, “it’s not just one big talk, it’s a continuous conversation until they probably get married.”

And if your child does not feel comfortable talking to you about it and instead resorts to peer chats, then there’s no right time to start talking about it than now.

“Given na nakita mo na [may chat siya about sex], parang this is actually the perfect opportunity for them to talk. And the approach should be friendly, iyung hindi nakakatakot, or curious lang.”

However, Dr. Rica also admits that a lot of parents are uncomfortable talking to their kids about sex. If this is the case, she says, “Kung hindi nila kaya, then they talk to someone na kinakausap ng bata na mas matanda. So iyung tito, tita, o pinsan.”

Dr. Rica says this is the challenge for today’s parents–who admittedly, might have also learned about sex from sources other than their own parents, leading to our discomfort in talking about it with our own kids. But the reality is that other sources, whether it’s our science or biology classes, older relatives, or content posted on the Internet might be insufficient or not align with what we want to teach our kids about sex. So it’s obviously up to us to talk to them about it and make them feel comfortable to talk to us about it. We should not perpetuate the thinking that everything related to sex or even talking about it is “bastos,” even if this might be the way we were raised.

“If you want the best for your child, would you rather your child know about these things and continue learning about them from their peers rather than from you? Do you want them to be misguided by what they see online, as opposed to swallowing your pride and overcoming that awkwardness to provide the guidance they need?”
“Now if you do not know the guidance, then I suggest you have to educate yourself.”

HOW TO TALK ABOUT SEX WITH YOUR KIDS:

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It is also important to teach your child about personal boundaries

Aside from educating your kids about possible sensitive topics in their unsupervised group chats, Dr. Gail says that “It is important for parents to have an open and honest discussion with their children about establishing strong personal boundaries when joining chat groups.”

“It would be best for parents to take a proactive stance than a reactive one, so that their kids don’t see this as an attack on their peers. Parents should remember that spending time with their peers is very important to tweens at this stage of development.”

Dr. Gail says that parents can help their kids decide if they want to participate in a certain group chat by asking the following questions:

• Do people in the chat group respect each other’s opinions? How do people react when some people use the chat group to insult others?
• Are there people in the chat group who share inappropriate content? How do others react when this content is shared?
• Are there people in the chat group who like to dominate or flood the discussion with inappropriate comments? What, for you, would be an inappropriate thing to say in a group chat?
• How do you feel about people in the chat who curse a lot or use questionable usernames?

Dr. Gail emphasizes that the style of questioning parents should use should be open-ended enough so that they can understand their child’s position on the issues that exist or could possibly arise on the group chat. She says, “Being non-judgmental and listening reflectively will encourage the child to share more about their online participation in chat groups.”

Parents should also watch out for red flags that could possibly mean that their child is affected by peer group chats

Dr. Gail says that here are the signs parents should watch out for that could mean that the peer group chat their child is involved in is already harmful for him:

• Using offensive language
• Cyber bullying
• Sharing of explicit content
• Engaging in behavior that may hurt others physically, mentally, or emotionally
• Feeling stressed by comments in the group chat
• Worrying that something is wrong if found out by adults

If parents notice any of these signs, it's important to address the issue and take appropriate action.

And finally, is it OK for parents to regularly check their kids’ group chats or social media accounts?

Dr. Gail says that “It would be best for parents to find ways to  strike a balance between respecting their children's privacy and ensuring their safety. Whenever possible, parents can engage their children in an open conversation about social media use by establishing safety guidelines together. Parents should encourage their child to ask questions about online safety and explain possible consequences of online misconduct.”

Gail Reyes Galang, PhD is a licensed psychologist and a member of the Smart Parenting Board of Experts. Follow Dr. Gail on Instagram @gailfrancesgalang.

Dr. Rica Cruz is a sex and relationships therapist, educator, and broadcaster. She is the first and only Filipino board certified diplomate in clinical sexology from the American Board of Sexology. She and her tween daughter Caia Miella have a sex education column on Smart Parenting entitled Smart Parenting’s Guide to Sex Education.