Raising Ates: Breaking The Cycle Of Parentified Daughters

“Ate, can you please help Bunso with her homework?”

“Ate, can you please hand Bunso her toothbrush before you brush your teeth? Sabay mo na?”

I catch myself asking these of my eldest daughter on days when I’m just trying to get through my never-ending to-do list. My husband and I both work hybrid jobs, and without regular help, we share the load of work and parenting every day. And yes, there are days when we lean on our 11-year-old daughter to help out—both with her 5-year-old sister and herself.

We’re not alone. In many Filipino families, especially where both parents work (a study has found that 1 in 3 Filipino youth grew up without both parents, with “working away” as the reason for 45%), the responsibility often trickles down to the next in line—usually the eldest child—more often than not, the eldest daughter.

“I often found myself looking after my younger brother with special needs, and two sisters. I helped with their homework, ensured they were fed while my parents were in the farm, and sometimes even calmed them down when things got tense at home.”—Robee Lynne Sagun-Puno

What is “parentification”

Parentification happens when a child is given adult responsibilities—caring for younger siblings, doing chores, or managing emotional burdens. In many cases, the “third parent” role falls on the oldest daughter, shaped by traditional gender expectations. This experience is also referred to as the eldest daughter syndrome.

Asking the panganay ate to step up physically and emotionally can impact their childhood and even linger into adulthood—feeling overwhelmed, struggling with boundaries, putting others first, and finding it hard to voice personal needs.

Psychology Today explains that parentification can happen for different reasons, but the absence of a healthy caretaker relationship or a reliable adult figure is often the primary cause. “A parent turning their child into a surrogate spouse is common in dysfunctional families, with children becoming the emotional caretakers of one or more of their parents.”

According to Kati Morton, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist, mental health public speaker, and content creator, signs of eldest daughter syndrome include:

• Feeling an intense sense of responsibility
• Being an overachiever, Type A, and very driven
• Chronic worry or anxiety
• People-pleasing habits
• Trouble setting boundaries
• Resentment toward siblings or family
• Guilt
• Difficulty navigating adult relationships

When “third parents” become real parents

Parentification and eldest daughter syndrome weren’t part of the vocabulary when millennials were growing up—but many lived it. Now, as adults and parents, how has their past shaped the way they raise their own children?

“I always felt I needed to help my parents. But sometimes, I just wanted to be a kid.”—Robee Lynne Sagun-Puno

Smart Parenting Squad Robee Lynne Sagun-Puno grew up as the eldest, and the pressure was real. “My parents were busy with work and life responsibilities, so my younger siblings and I learned quickly how to pitch in,” she explained. “I often found myself looking after my younger brother with special needs, and two sisters. I helped with their homework, ensured they were fed while my parents were on the farm, and sometimes even calmed them down when things got tense at home.”

That experience forced her to grow up fast. “I always felt I needed to help my parents,” she said. And while this inspired her to work hard to reach her goals, she admitted, “Sometimes, I just wanted to be a kid.”

KC Vicedo, another Smart Parenting Squad Member and eldest of two, said it wasn’t always directly assigned—just expected. “‘Ate ka na’”—was enough to imply what was expected of her. “Being the oldest sibling meant I naturally took on the roles of babysitter and guiding my younger sister in school. There was an unspoken understanding that I was expected to look after my younger sister. While this cultivated a sense of responsibility, I think it also made me more mature than I should be.”

While the additional duties contributed to their feelings of being “older” or more “in charge,” it also affected sibling relationships. Julia Bonoan had a similar experience, and while she didn’t feel like she had to act like a “third parent” in terms of providing for the family, she took care of her younger brother, who’s eight years younger. “I used to feed and bathe him when he was a kid. I also took him to school when he was older,” she explained. The positive for Julia: “I enjoyed every bit of taking care of him as it strengthened our relationship as siblings.” Moreover, Julia thinks it made her a better person, “I would like to believe that being my brother’s guardian made me more independent, mature, and sensitive to other people’s feelings and needs.”

“I could say that for a time, I felt like I had to act as a third parent for my two young sisters, contributing to the household income and their tuition, often to the point where I had little left for myself.”—Carrie

Parentification isn’t limited to the eldest. Sometimes, whoever is able will step up.

Carrie, a mom to two, felt “parentified” when she found herself supporting two younger sisters just as she started working right after college. With her dad working abroad and her eldest sister raising her own family, Carrie felt she had to fill the gap. “I could say that for a time, I felt like I had to act as a third parent for my two young sisters, contributing to the household income and their tuition, often to the point where I had little left for myself,” she explained. Carrie felt indebted to her parents, saying, “Because my parents sent me to school, I must give back to them and my sisters. I was in survival mode, burying myself in work, and I tied my life purpose to my career.”

Tel, now 40 and a mom of two, was just 11 when she started managing the household. “My mom had me when she was 17; she had to stop school and later go back. Dad had to drop out to earn a living for us, so he was out six days a week. Mom felt she had to prove herself and that she’s not a waste, so she continued her studies later and finished her master's and doctorate degrees,” she shared.

Although Tel had her grandmother and aunts to guide her, she admitted, “For most of my life, I was raising myself because my parents were busy.” Her responsibilities at home included house chores and caring for her siblings: “At 11, I was already doing laundry for the entire family. I would clean the house before going to school and sometimes buy groceries at the market. Later, I would also take charge of my younger brother, who’s 8 years younger than me, taking him to school and getting his report card. I helped and taught him how to read.” She admitted that she sometimes got emotional, “I remember crying with my brother because I, or we, just couldn’t get it. How do I teach a little kid to read?”

Breaking the cycle

“I want my daughter to know that I’m here to support and care for her and that she should not worry if she can’t get it right all the time. She’s not alone. I’m her mom and I’m with her, supporting her throughout.”—Tel

Now that these women are moms, they’re more aware of how “parentification” shaped them—and they want to do things differently.

Robee is clear: “I’m determined to give them [kids] more room to JUST BE KIDS. Though I try not to burden them with adult responsibilities too soon, I also try to teach them household chores. I encourage them to explore their creativity and have fun.”

Tel is intentional about showing up and ensuring that her daughter knows she’s supported and can rely on adults around her at any time—that she doesn’t feel that she needs to be an adult. “I make sure that my daughter gets to live her life as a child with a parent who shows up to her events, a parent who allows her to spend time with friends, a parent who teaches her chores but not to the point that she’s doing more than expected,” Tel explained. “I want my daughter to know that I’m here to support and care for her and that she should not worry if she can’t get it right all the time. She’s not alone. I’m her mom and I’m with her, supporting her throughout.”

Carrie and her husband are planning to protect their kids from financial pressure. “As a parent, my husband and I are making wise financial decisions so that somehow we would never require our children to work just to survive. We are also consciously teaching our daughter how to be mindful of spending and how to earn through hard work,” she emphasized.

Aside from what Robbie, Tel, and Carrie are doing, experts also recommend that parents strive to maintain family hierarchy to avoid raising parentified daughters. Always remember that parents should be in charge—caretaking, making family decisions, and managing the family, even during hard times, should fall on you. Children should always feel stability and security in the family, no matter how old they might be. Moreover, parents should also remember that their children are not their friends to prevent emotional parentification. This means that parents should veer from discussing topics that might not be appropriate yet for their children.

Our daughters deserve what we once needed, too: a space to grow at their own pace, freedom to be themselves, and the assurance that the adults in their lives are here for them—so they don’t feel like they have to be one too soon.

Letting our daughters be daughters

Parents who grew up as “third parents” know the weight of responsibility too early. While it taught strength and resilience, it also came at a cost—lost play, unspoken pressure, and the quiet longing to be a kid.

Now, as parents who are aware of it, we have the chance to break the cycle.

This means teaching our children responsibility without burden, involving them in family life without making them carry it, and just showing up—ensuring they can rely on our presence and support.

Our daughters deserve what we once needed, too: a space to grow at their own pace, freedom to be themselves, and the assurance that the adults in their lives are here for them—so they don’t feel like they have to be one too soon.

Find out how these parents are raising strong daughters.