Co-Parenting Is A Necessary Evil: How An Ex-Couple Went From Ugly Legal Battles To Monthly Visits

The scene one nippy December afternoon was like that of any nuclear family during the holidays: a mother, a father, their school-age child toting his Christmas presents, all having merienda at a neighborhood fast food restaurant. 

But in fact, the scene was not of a family. Mother and father have not lived together for several years, and have only begun to speak to each other in the past few months. The child had not seen his father in the same span of time. Conversation was uncomfortable and strained but civil; the child was hopeful, and rather happy just to see both his parents at the same time. 

After nine years of estrangement, my former partner and I decided to take the co-parenting route, with his request to continue to be part of his son’s life, especially now that the child was entering his pre-teen years.

 

A bitter end

The falling-apart stage of our family was a mess—a long-drawn-out legal mess. Ten years ago, I caught my live-in partner cheating. A few months before this, he regularly complained that I wasn’t paying attention to him because of my work; he also told me that I spent too much time with my friends and that I had become fat and unattractive. 

To prove that I wasn’t making mere assumptions about his cheating from simple text messages and DMs, a friend helped me hire a private investigator to follow him for a couple of days; and indeed, there was visual proof that he and the third-party were romantically involved, and spent time together. 

Accusations and daily arguments ensued, but when I thought things were bad, it was only going to get worse. When the third-party-woman got wind of the situation, she started sending threatening messages and phone calls. To make sure that she had a hold on my partner and to frighten me, the woman sent me daily messages saying that she would kill me and my mother and burn down our house.

'I realized then that even if I could not forgive my ex for what he did, my son still had a right to see him if he wanted to.'

At the same time, she had friends hack into my social media accounts and primary emails, and created a fake Twitter account under my name with offensive material in it. I showed my partner all the threats and messages, and the awful part was he blamed me for the harassing woman’s actions. 

When the woman started parking her car in front of our apartment late at night and early in the morning to wait for me and harass me in person, I decided to take legal action. With the help of a lawyer who specialized in family law, I filed a VAWC (Violence Against Women and Children) case against my live-in partner and the third-party-woman as co-conspirator; I also filed grave threats and cybercrime cases against the woman. I reported all these incidents to our Barangay, and they dispatched a tanod to scout the area at night to make sure that the woman wouldn’t return. After all this, I asked my live-in partner to move out. 

What I found out in the process was that Barangay units—in our area, at least—were very pro-active in handling VAWC and domestic violence cases; the barangay captain I spoke to said that they take all complaints and reports like this seriously, as they know that ignoring them even for a moment could result in the possible injury or death of the woman or child. 

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But even with my live-in-partner gone and in the arms of his new woman, plus multiple legal cases, the woman in question kept on harassing me. The hearings began, and we slugged it out in court for a good part of two years. 

Sadly, the VAWC and grave threats cases were dismissed because of lack of evidence, and the cybercrime case was also dropped, mainly because the law itself was in its infancy back then. There are laws to put such things in its place, but I realized back then that there is not much done to uphold and protect these laws when put into practice.  

A new beginning

There was a silver lining to filing these court cases, even if they were dismissed: the harassment stopped, and my family and I finally found peace. There was no resentment at all at being a solo parent; I reveled in the fact that all my decisions for my son were my own, and I thrived in the setup. I reconnected with my long-lost friends, my career improved, and there was no one at home to mock me for my efforts. In fact, I was thriving without a partner. 

'I know it's not a perfect setup, and I clearly told my son that if he ever felt uncomfortable during these visits or if he was too busy at school, it was totally okay to say no.'

When my son was in his preschool years and asked about his father, I simply explained to him gently that his father and I couldn’t live together peacefully and so we thought it was best for us to live apart. However, when my son entered his preteen years and constantly asked about his father, this had to be addressed. I realized then that even if I could not forgive my ex for what he did, my son still had a right to see him if he wanted to. 

My ex-partner had also expressed his wish to regularly see our son before all this, and I hemmed and hawed over it for months. Before agreeing to it, I first asked several of his relatives if he and the third-party-woman were still together, and they all confirmed she had been out of the picture for years. Still, I proceeded on the side of caution. 

I also had to lay down some ground rules: either my housekeeper or I would always accompany my son during these visits. There would be no overnight or weekend visits, no out-of-town trips, and absolutely no visits if he had a “female friend” coming over. Christmas and New Year’s Eve would be spent exclusively with our family. And of course, we had to tackle the sticky subject of sustento or child support (which by the way, is a legal right). His offering of child support in past years was spotty at best, as I was the main provider for my son, but I told him regular visits meant that we had to settle on him sending a fixed amount every 1st of the month.  

RELATED: Stop The Blame Game To Co-Parent Successfully With Your Ex, Says Psychologist

Admittedly, the first few visits didn’t go swimmingly and we ended up arguing, and the interaction between him and my son was strained (it had been years, after all). But succeeding visits, which were limited to once a month and on special occasions like his birthday and school moving-up ceremonies, were pleasant enough for my son. On some occasions, however, when my ex-partner or his family would be difficult during these visits, I would withhold the next visit from him. This co-parenting setup may seem quite harsh and limiting, but I think that with what had happened to me years ago, I needed to set firm boundaries.

I’d like to believe that I had an in-between sort of co-parenting situation compared to that of my two solo parent friends. Kaye had a fantastic co-parenting setup, with the child care, support, and education of her son split neatly down the middle with her former partner; while on the opposite end, Jimmy, a solo father, refused to have his former wife see their son because of various forms of harassment on the mother’s part. 
I know it's not a perfect setup, and I clearly told my son that if he ever felt uncomfortable during these visits or if he was too busy at school, it was totally okay to say no. Having the opportunity of seeing the other parent and yet having the option and flexibility not to (while avoiding any arguments between parents) for me, is an ideal situation for now. 

Raising a healthy and happy child is the main goal, and it comforts me to know that it is still something I can do on my own. 

To learn more about co-parenting, read this story.