'Hindi Mo Kayang I-Training 'Yung Parenthood'—Team Payaman

“Nung nagka-anak kayo, nung nabuntis mo si Gab, feeling mo ba ready na kayo nung time na ‘yun?”

The Facebook reel posted by Viy Cortez-Velasquez begins with this question from her husband, Lincoln Velasquez, popularly known as Cong TV. The question was directed to Viy's video editor, Carlo Santos. All three belong to ‘Team Payaman,’ a powerhouse team of digital content creators, vloggers, and editors.

Carlo, known as Loks to the team, answers, “Bago kasi namin gawin ‘yun, nag-usap na kami. Kumbaga ready na kami magka-anak, pero ‘yung sinasabi ko na by the paper, hindi ko masasabing ready na kami, syempre nahihirapan nga kami eh, sobrang hirap magpalaki ng anak eh.”

The reel is taken from Youtube’s full version of Episode 3 of the “Off Beat” podcast entitled, “Seryosong Usapan sa Tabing Dagat.” In the said video, they talked about love and getting married, having and not having kids, relationship dynamics when children become integral to a couple’s life, putting dreams on hold for the sake of the kids, sacrifices parents make for the family, and at one point, how parents’ separation impacted Aga, one of the Team Payaman members.

In the said podcast, they get real and casual over a few bags of chips and bottles of beer, with occasional shedding of tears, and genuinely share their points of view about family life in general.

On the full podcast episode, Viy and Loks continue the conversation on parental preparedness.

“Akala ko, may pera [na] ko, mahal ako ni Cong ‘yun na ‘yon, pwede na ‘kong magka-anak, ngayong nagka-anak ako, grabe, mababaliw pala ang babae…Malalaman mo ‘yung mga hirap n’ya pag nararanasan mo na,” Viy Cortez-Velasquez shares.

“Hindi mo kayang mag prepare sa gano’ng situation eh, di mo kayang mag ready,“ agrees Loks.

Viy thinks, “Feeling ko ang ma re-ready mo, pera.”

“Yun ang ma re-ready mo, ang hindi mo kayang i-training, yung parenthood,” says Loks. In another part of the video podcast, he describes the challenges of parenthood, “On the spot mo siyang pag-aaralan at matututunan. Mahirap siya.”

Are you ever truly prepared to start a family?

We asked Smart Parenting Village (SPV), a community of more than 107 parents who aim to be better at parenting, the question, “Nung nagsimula ba kayong bumuo ng pamilya, nasabi nyo bang 'ready’ na kayo?”

Daddy Jack says, “There is no way na mangyayari yung "ready" na kayo. No matter how hard you try to prepare, meron at meron pa din talagang magiging obstacles sa buhay pamilya nyo.”

“Wala naman talagang ready sa pagpapamilya. Kahit gaano nyo pa i-ready ang sarili ninyo. Nung bagets pa ako, ganyan din mindset ko na 'ah gusto ko muna maging fully ready bago mag asawa' tapos pinayuhan ako ng mom ko na kung magaantay ako kung kelan ako magging ready, sbe nya I'll be waiting forever,” Mommy Kae shares.

Mommy Jeng, on the other hand, gets real, “We were not totalIy ready. We underwent financial problems but we worked on it together. I stopped working when we had our second baby.”

Family dynamics: roles and sacrifices

From the question on preparedness for parenthood, the reel shifted to discussion of parental roles and sacrifices.

Loks breaks into tears as he shares how their life as a couple is being challenged by the sacrifices one makes for the family. He tells the team, “Ako, kung merong pangarap, siya rin naman ganon diba, pero siya yung nagsasacrifice na maiwan." Later on he thinks that it's because of how mothers can intuitively manage the kids. "Parang sa nakikita ko iba talaga ‘yung instinct ng nanay versus sa tatay.”

But he admits that he can recognize the weight that his partner feels as if she’s taking on more responsibility in terms of taking care of their child. He's thinking she'd probably say, “Tatay ka rin naman nito,bakit parang hindi mo mabantayan.”

To which Cong TV reacts, ““Bottomline, kailangan magkatanggapan lang ng ano [tungkulin] at magkakaiba talaga. Kasi nakita ko ‘yun sa nanay at tatay ko eh. Walang ginawa ang nanay ko kundi bantayan kami at ang tatay ko kundi magtrabaho…maghanap kung paano mag-po-provide sa pamilya.”

But Loks acknowledges his partner Gab and shares, “Grabe, supermom talaga, super saludo talaga.” 

Meanwhile, while Loks thinks that his partner's deed is more of sacrifice, Cong TV thinks otherwise. In his eyes, “Hindi ko siya makitang sakripisyo kasi pinili nya talaga si Sansan (Loks’ and Gab’s child).”

What netizens think

The reel garnered more than a thousand comments on roles and sacrifices that parents make for their family’s welfare.

One netizen commented, “Mas marami naman talagang sakripisyo ang nanay when it comes sa career, sarili, pangarap but at the same time may sakripisyo rin ang tatay para sa pamilya which is pag-aaral ng mga bata, bills at food nasa needs pa lang yan wala pa sa wants. Hindi para mag-sumabatan kung sino ang mas malaki ang sakripisyo, ambag o obligasyon. Kung nahihirapan ang isa tulungan lang dapat…Kasi mas tumatatag ang pagsasama sa mga panahong mas mahirap at sa mga panahong mas mabigat ang lahat.”

Another one commented and emphasized shared responsibility, “Shared responsibilities ang sagot. Working [kayo] both or isa lang ang nag-wowork, make sure you share responsibilities sa pag aalaga sa mga anak at pag intindi sa bahay.”

Meanwhile another netizen pointed that there shouldn’t be any comparison in terms of roles, “Alam nyo, di dapat ipinag kumpara ang mga bagay nayan. Natural kung magiging magulang ka na, responsibility mo talaga ang mga bagay-bagay, lahat naman ng Ina/Tatay nagsusumikap para lang sa pamilya, nandon na ‘yung sakripisyo."

SPV Mom Jin also shares her thoughts on parental sacrifice, “As we expected, kung mayroong mag sacrifice ng career, ako talaga, dahil mas stable ang job ni hubby. Kaya nung malapit na ako manganak di na ako nag renew ng contract. Pero darating yung time na malulungkot ka na bat ako nandito lang sa bahay, part of postpartum blues siguro. Pero habang lumalaki anak mo, nakikita mo kung paano siya lumaki at natuto, magiging proud ka at sulit pala ang sacrifices mo. Nabasa ko nga na hindi lahat ng achievements ay nasa papel.”

Psychology of family sacrifice

According to Psychology & Psychological Research International Journal, there are many factors that affect the family’s narrative of sacrifice. Among these factors are commitment, desire to help, amount of emotional fusion, cultural orientation and more. “Commitment,” according to the study, “is one of the strongest predictors of continued efforts to put the partner’s needs above one’s own and whether one chooses to stay or leave.”

In addition, the research notes that whether it's aiding recovery from depression, PTSD, challenging life transitions, or health crises, family members are often called upon to offer informational support, emotional care, tangible assistance, and help in maintaining social connections. However, providing this support frequently requires both individuals and the family unit to make sacrifices that can significantly impact the family's trajectory.

On an individual level, sacrifices may involve time, resources, personal values, goals, and self-care. 

Team Payaman's Cong and Viy Are Expecting Baby No. 2! Read details here.