Why We Should Rethink Teaching Our Children About Virginity

Smart Parenting Guide on Sex Education seeks to empower parents in raising informed tweens and teens who understand their body and their rights with the goal of protecting them from all kinds of sexual abuse. Smart Parenting resident sex education expert, Dr. Rica Cruz is a US-board certified sexologist, a sex and relationships therapist. Together with teen daughter Caia Miella, Dr. Rica, navigates the realities of sex in the eyes of today's teens and tweens and aims to foster honest and healthy conversations between parent and child through this series. 

The concept of purity culture has been deeply ingrained in our society, rooted in our religious traditions. It promotes sexual abstinence until marriage and places a heavy emphasis on virginity as a symbol of purity and virtue. But did you know that our sexual traditions and practices did not hold this value until the Spanish arrived?

Before the arrival of Spanish colonizers in the 16th century, our ancestors had their belief systems surrounding sexuality, part of which involved sexual freedom, where women were not judged for having sexual relations with others, both before and during marriage.

So why did virginity become such a big deal? My take, as a sex researcher and educator, is that the Spanish men saw how free and powerful Filipino women were and had to find a way to control them.

Enter virginity.

Virginity has been used historically as a tool of social control, particularly in patriarchal societies like ours. It has been associated with regulating women's sexuality and controlling their choices. Doesn't this sound familiar?

Sex education: Why should we rethink teaching children about virginity?

But in 2023, is this still the narrative that we want to perpetuate? That men have control over women’s bodies? That women need to be “pure” and “chaste” so they can give the “greatest gift” to their husbands—their virginity? And then what? After that, no other gift can be comparable. How preposterous!

I understand that we all have our sexual values, and if yours includes not having sexual relations before marriage, so be it. But please avoid teaching your children that it’s the greatest gift they can give one another, as this implies everything else is lesser in comparison. One night is all it takes to take away their worth. That’s not fair.

And that’s not all. Here’s a whole list of how teaching this value that perpetuates purity culture to our children the way it was taught to us growing up—deeply rooted in our faith and tied to our worth as human beings—can have negative consequences for our children.

Teach children about the importance of mutual respect, communication, and consent in all types of relationships, not just romantic ones. —Dr. Rica Cruz, sex therapist

Purity culture often instills a sense of shame and guilt in young individuals when it comes to their natural sexual desires and experiences. Children taught that premarital sex is sinful may feel immense guilt if they engage in any sexual activity, even as adults. You cannot expect them to instantly let go of the feelings of guilt they harbored for so long after just a day of being married. No, they last for years and affect their marriages significantly.

Purity culture tends to rely on fear tactics to discourage sexual activity outside of marriage. This fear-based approach can lead to anxiety and a lack of understanding about healthy sexual relationships. And because of this, we have children “secretly” engaging in risky sexual behaviors all over the country. 

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Purity culture places the responsibility for maintaining purity disproportionately on young girls, reinforcing traditional gender roles. And again, this is unfair. This unequal burden can perpetuate harmful gender stereotypes. This tells boys that they cannot have control over their sexual urges and that it’s the woman’s responsibility to not arouse them. So if a boy is aroused, it’s a woman’s fault, and if a woman is raped, it’s a woman’s fault.

Purity culture often fails to adequately address the concept of consent, as it focuses more on abstinence than on promoting healthy, consensual relationships. This can lead to misunderstandings about consent and boundaries, which could lead to victim-blaming attitudes. Individuals who are taught to bear the responsibility for their purity may internalize blame if they experience non-consensual encounters, discouraging them from reporting or seeking help. Please see the point on Gender Inequality.

Those who do not conform to purity culture's standards, such as individuals who have had sex before marriage or identify as LGBTQ+, are often stigmatized, ostracized, and judged. This pervasive judgment can create a hostile environment, fostering feelings of isolation and eroding self-esteem among those who are different. And again, that’s unfair.

What parents should teach children about relationships

Thus, I propose that we rethink how we teach this concept to our children. Given the numerous negative consequences associated with purity culture, it is crucial for us parents to consider alternative approaches to teaching our children about relationships and sexuality. Let me make this clear, I’m not going against the concept of abstinence. Abstinence can be healthy for some people, but it should be taught differently.

Opt for comprehensive sex education that provides accurate information about sexual health, consent, contraception, and the emotional aspects of relationships. This approach empowers children to make informed decisions about their bodies and relationships.

As parents, we need to foster an environment where children can openly discuss their questions, concerns, and experiences related to sexuality without fear of judgment. Encourage honest conversations about healthy relationships, consent, and self-respect.

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We also need to embrace and accept diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. Acknowledge that everyone's experiences are unique and valid, creating an inclusive atmosphere for children to explore their own identities and questions. Stop judging people who hold different values and beliefs than you do. Instead, educate children that we need to respect each other’s differences.

Shift the focus from virginity and purity to emotional well-being in relationships. Teach children about the importance of mutual respect, communication, and consent in all types of relationships, not just romantic ones.

It may be difficult to shift our perspectives, but if you sit down and think about it, do you really want your children or grandchildren to be stuck with the narrative that their “virginity” is the “best” gift they can give their husbands and that their worth is tied to that gift? To a narrative that was originally used to control them? Is this the kind of culture that you want to leave them? I would re-evaluate.

Dr. Rica Cruz is a member of the Smart Parenting Board of Experts and a mother to two girls.