'I Lost The Baby I Wasn't Ready To Have': A Wife's Confession

As a woman, I have never really thought about that when I would encounter pregnancy. It was not something I deeply wanted or needed to make my womanhood complete, nor to be called the wife who fulfilled “my duty” to my family. I got married knowing it would someday come and it would be something I would have to prepare for carefully. 

But sometimes, the unplanned becomes our reality. I found out I was pregnant weeks before my first wedding anniversary. Turns out, I was six weeks pregnant. My first transvaginal ultrasound lasted for almost an hour and three doctors examined me. I had a hunch that something was not okay and later on I found out that I was having an angular pregnancy.

Angular pregnancy is a rare case where the implantation occurs in the lateral angle of the uterine cavity near the fallopian tube. It could be dangerous for both the mom and the baby and in some cases, it could also lead to an ectopic pregnancy. If an angular pregnancy is implanted near the fallopian tube, it could lead to forced abortion or a miscarriage.

When I was made aware of my pregnancy, I felt so lost and I didn’t know how to react. I did not know whether to accept the situation and hope for the better or sigh in relief that there was a possibility of a miscarriage. After my first checkup, I was prescribed to be on bed rest with medications for “pampakapit”. My emotional, mental, and spiritual health was spiraling down as I was deciding whether or not to take the medicines and allow God to move in ways that only He could control. I knew that if it were God’s will, with or without medication my baby would survive. I would pray in tears every night whether to keep my baby or not. I felt resentment towards myself for being “selfish”, I resented my body and the pain that I felt physically and emotionally. 

'I always felt like I needed to prove my loss and pain to everyone who knew. Despite everything, one thing I know for sure is that I love my baby.'

Three days after my first checkup, I was rushed to the delivery room due to severe bleeding. It was then that I ended up taking my medication as required by the doctor to control my bleeding—I hated that my pregnancy was not as normal as any other mom. After another week of doctor’s appointments, several transvaginal ultrasounds, and visits to the delivery room, I knew I had to face the reality. I am pregnant and I will be a mom. It was tough to talk myself into it because I always knew I would become a mom, it just came in earlier than I thought.

As I slowly accepted my reality during my seventh week—the week when we were supposed to hear our baby's heartbeat—my husband prepared himself to join me inside the cubicle for the ultrasound only for the doctors to tell us that they couldn’t locate the baby in my womb. There was no heartbeat whatsoever. 

I was in disbelief. While trying to process the loss, I received "Masaya ka na?", "Bakit hindi kumapit 'yung bata?", "Sayang 'yung bata"—these statements were spoken to me by my family and husband. Those words stabbed my heart because to them, I should have been relieved by the loss. But I wasn’t. I was disoriented about how to feel because they were right, I should be happy. And yet I wasn’t.

The truth is I am in pain, I too am grieving. I lost a part of me while carrying the guilt of not wanting my own child. All the sleepless nights I spent enduring sharp pains, the short conversations I had with my baby in the shower, and every painful checkup—I spent these with my child whom I lost. It was the second reality I had to swallow and suppress, that I was a mom and I should not show the pain of my loss.

After my D&C (dilation and curettage), life continued but things didn’t feel the same for me. From time to time, I would break down, I didn't want to go out with my friends or even reply, and I felt guilty for the life I have without my child.  

When I had my first period after the miscarriage, I couldn’t stop breaking down. I knew that the menstruation materialized my loss. I knew deep inside as well that while I had my baby inside me, all I felt was hate towards myself and the situation. I was not able to spend time with my baby in this living world and that is something I can never take back. 

It's been four months since I lost my baby and I am still going through the same grief and pain. Until today, it’s hard to process—there’s constant guilt, pain, and loathing towards myself for not wanting my baby. I always felt like I needed to prove my loss and pain to everyone who knew. Despite everything, one thing I know for sure is that I love my baby.

RELATED: 'Sana Po Soon': The Painful Journey Of Trying To Get Pregnant With Endometriosis

To all moms and aspiring moms, know that your feelings are valid and they will always be. If there was anything I would treasure, it would be the time when I had my baby in my womb. Cherish, nurture, and shower your children with all love in this world. To all who experienced a miscarriage, know that you are never alone. And to all who know anyone who had a miscarriage, give them a big hug—sometimes that's the only thing that matters the most.

Postpartum depression can happen after a miscarriage. Read this article to know more.