Bianca Lapus On Losing Her Baby And Dad, ‘Parang Two Hours Lang Yung Pagitan Ng Pagkawala Nilang Dalawa’

In a moving vlog with Christine Bersola-Babao, mother and former actress Bianca Lapus opens up about the devastating loss of her father and unborn child within hours of each other in September 2023.

With heart-wrenching honesty, Bianca shares the surreal and devastating sequence of events: “Last September 19, my dad passed away and my baby, nawalan siya ng heartbeat. So parang two hours, two hours lang yung pagitan ng pagkawala nilang dalawa.

“I was in the hospital for my second ultrasound, tapos may heartbeat pa siya eh. Parang nag-i pa siya sa asawa ko kasi first time niya sumama sa ultrasound. So parang okay pa, and then all of a sudden, nawala yung heartbeat niya.

“Nung nawala yung heartbeat niya, that was the time na ring ng ring yung phone ko. Tumatawag si Robin, si JL, they were saying na ni-rush na sa ER si daddy kasi hindi na responsive.

“So tumakbo ako from the hospital. As in, bitbit ko pati OB ko. Tumakbo kami sa ER ng hospital kung saan dinala yung dad ko.

“And then when I got there, nirerevive na yung dad ko, parang pang fourth na nirerevive… Parang nalo-lost ako na parang sabi ko, totoo ba ito?

“Parang nakikita ko in front of me na nawawala na yung dad ko. Tapos alam kong wala na din yung anak ko. Parang hindi ako makapaniwala sa nangyayari. Na parang ayaw talaga niya mag-sink in na totoo ba ito? Parang sobrang sabay naman.”

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Bianca revealed that her dad, Dr. Zoilo Lapus, was bedridden due to a previous stroke and was also diabetic. She shared insight on her relationship with her dad, revealing, “Everybody was expecting me to give a eulogy message for him, pero hindi ko talaga kaya sa sobrang stress. Daddy’s girl kasi. Parang even nung when I got pregnant with Vhong tsaka nung magpapakasal na kami ni Vhong, una ko pa rin sinabihan si daddy. Basta, laging si daddy kapag pinapagalitan ako ni mommy, laging si daddy ang tatawagin ko. Tapos bubuhatin ako ng daddy ko, ishi-shield niya ako from the tsinelas of mama.”

On giving birth

Bianca also shared her experience of delivering the baby she lost, saying, “Nilabas ko siya naturally without pain reliever or anything. I really felt parang pagsama samahin mo yung tatlong CS ko tsaka isang normal, ganon pala ka-sakit.

“Hindi ako kailangan i-raspa immediately because ang condition ko is CS scar pregnancy. Malapit siya sa peklat kung saan ako naglabas ng bata. I had to endure all the pain. Physical and emotional pain.”

Opening up about her emotions afterward, Bianca said, “Parang yung acceptance ko hindi pa ganon ka-fully… May times talaga na umiiyak pa rin ako in the middle of the night. I haven’t slept nang maayos since what happened, since nung nangyari yun.

“I was diagnosed right now with PTSD, post-traumatic stress syndrome. Kasi from nung nangyari yun, hindi ako lumalabas ng bahay, ayaw ko makipag-usap, in-off ko, dine-activate ko yung mga social media, even mga text messages ayaw ko [maka-tanggap], hindi ako nakikipag kita sa ibang tao except sa asawa and mga anak ko.

“Talagang nag-ano ako ng sariling mundo. Tapos parang I tried to grieve on my own. So I cry alone. Kunyari, papasok na yung mga bata, pag-alis nila, that’s the only time I cry alone. Nasa office na yung asawa ko, nasa school na sila. Kasi ayaw ko isipin nila mahina ako.”

Bianca shared that her children sometimes see her hugging her baby’s urn. “I have a little jar, yung urn na may baby angel yung top niya, yung takip. Minsan kasi hina-hug ko eh, feeling ko, hina-hug ko siya…Meron akong favorite song, yung I will carry you… Yung lyrics na parang there are photographs I wanted to take, things that I wanted to show you, sing sweet lullabies… Parang ang dami ko sanang gustong gawin kasama siya pero hindi ko na magagawa dahil hindi naman na siya buhay.

“Sabi ko nga, sige siguro ayaw talaga mag-isa ng dad ko kaya nagsabay sila kasi ayaw talaga ng dad ko mag-isa eh. Parang sabi ko sa kanya, ‘Dad, sana okay yung byahe niyo ha kasi meron kang angel na kasama.’ So ayun nalang yung comfort ko na at least magkasama yung mag-lolo sa biyahe nila to heaven.”

Bianca rebuilds herself

Lapus finds solace and strength in her faith and her support network, emphasizing their role in her journey towards rebuilding herself. “I’m actually rebuilding myself this 2024… So this year, talagang rebuilding myself, reclaiming my faith, making it stronger and parang nasubukan talaga yung resilience ko bilang nanay, bilang anak, bilang babe. Ang dami nagsasabi hindi ba, move forward ko na. Pero hindi pala siya ganon ka-dali. Pero slowly, kahit baby steps, basta mag-move ka, kahit papano may progress na marami.”

She shares a message for others who are grieving, “Maaaring marami sa inyo ang nagdadaan pa sa grieving stage like me, hindi pa naman ako fully healed or fully recovered from grieving. I think wala namang tamang panahon or parang kailangan or within three monthsm dapat okay ka na, walang ganon. Talagang matututunan mo lang na mabuhay na wala na talaga yung mga mahal natin, dasal lang at saka ang kailangan siguro is, huwag iwasan. Ngayon kasi parang iniiwasan ko for a while yung magbalot, maglinis ng gamit kasi ayaw kong maramdaman ulit yung sakit na maamoy ko nanaman yung pabango niya. Pero ngayon I just accept everything, makita ko yung damit niya, ma-hug ko at makita mga pictures niya. Hindi ko iiwasan, titingnan ko talaga. Kasi parang doon ko mas nararamdaman yung fond memories together.

“Even yung baby ko… Iniisip ko lang na I gained an angel watching over [me]... Parang ibahin natin yung perspective natin sa mga losses na na-encounter natin kasi wala talagang oras kung kailan ka maka-move on talaga… Huwag mong intindihin yung sinasabi ng mga ibang tao… Ang focus mo lang is yung healing mo, yung pagdarasal mo, na ma-overcome mo lahat, you will heal at your own pace.”

Lapus’ courage in sharing her story highlights both the shared experience of loss and the shared strength found in vulnerability and community. Through her reflections, she offers a message of hope and resilience to all who face similar challenges, emphasizing the importance of support, faith, and the gradual journey towards healing.

Read here how moms coped with child loss.