Dear Parent, Be Kind To Your In-Laws, But Set Boundaries

Dear Parent,

Did you just have another passive-aggressive exchange with your sister-in-law? Or perhaps another miscommunication with your mother-in-law? 

Even without the full-blown arguments or dramatic episodes that would make juicy material for a teleserye or even a #SPConfessions post, these interactions can still be draining.

We’ve all been there. 

In a different situation, you might have stood your ground, fought back, or spoke your mind. But something inside keeps you in check, “You can’t–they’re your in-laws.”

Take a deep breath. Before the next incident comes, consider a fresh perspective on these relationships.

Your relationship with in-laws–your spouse’s parents, siblings, and their partners–is unique. You likely didn’t know them beforehand, nor do you share a common history, interests, or hobbies. You come from different family backgrounds and dynamics, parenting styles, and cultures. Unlike your own family, who you’ve known since Day 1, or friends you’ve had for years, your connection with your in-laws exists solely because of your spouse. Without that link, your paths might never have crossed.

This unfamiliarity is why misunderstandings often arise.

And it’s quite common in in-law relationships, so much so that articles have been published about it, including a previous Smart Parenting article on ways to form a healthy relationship with your extended family. The article highlights that it starts with your spouse. Open communication with each other regarding in-laws is essential, and as the article suggests, “Maintain a united front with your spouse.”

The next step is to practice kindness. “Be calm and patient,” and be careful how you express your frustrations. It might be tempting to say hurtful things in tense moments, but whenever in doubt, always choose kindness. Remember, everyone has a unique post, and we don’t know each other’s emotional triggers, trauma, and coping mechanisms. So as much as possible, take a deep breath and add a bit of kindness into each interaction.

Second, make an effort to connect. Respect family tradition, or in other words, “Makisama ka.” Always remember: You technically don’t know them yet. And this is how you start to know them better. Talk to them, ask about their day, and if possible, spend time together without your spouse. Go to the grocery with your mother-in-law or share recipes. Showing respect to them and their family rituals is crucial–remember, they have been upholding these traditions long before you joined the family.

Lastly, if you’ve extended kindness and put in the effort, and all is said and done, remember that it’s also okay to set boundaries. Drawing boundaries does not mean cutting ties or shutting them out; it’s simply prioritizing your family’s well-being and mental health.

Your relationship with your in-laws may be unique and challenging, but once you’ve found that delicate balance, it can also be special.

Here’s how to stand your ground to your in-laws while keeping the peace.