Is Staying For Kids' Sake Always The Way To Go?

Many find themselves at a crossroads when faced with infidelity in their marriages. In a country like ours where divorce is not yet legal and more than 86% of the population is Roman Catholic and upholds “What God put together, let no man put asunder,” the mental battle of an aggrieved spouse whether to leave or stay is just as tough as it gets.

As if it's not already challenging, why not add societal pressure to the struggle? There is common unsolicited advice and perhaps, an underlying expectation, to endure and "fight for the marriage" or “stay for the kids.”

When it happened to me, my mom was quick to say, “Hindi ka na dalaga, nanay ka na. Gawin mo ‘to para sa mga anak mo.” I knew she meant well and I knew that if we exchanged places, she would do it for me in a heartbeat, but it felt like an additional responsibility to what was already very taxing at the time—to carry the affliction my husband had placed over us.

I came across an Instagram post of celebrity-actress Kylie Padilla while she was lounging on the floor and giggling with her boys in their jammies. She started her post with, “It’s children’s month and I would love any reason to celebrate the two angels of my life.” The comments section is packed with praises for her and her little ones, but there are also those saying “sayang” because she had to separate from her husband, Aljur Abrenica. A netizen also commented, “Sana magkabalikan po kayo ng tatay nila.” To which Padilla replied, “No thanks; we (are) good.”

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This hits home. I am happy to see my children happy whenever they’re around their dad, but at night, when the silence of the darkness cancels out all the day's noise—there’s this constant thought in my head, “What if I decided to let go? What if I did not decide to endure and left?” Because the truth is, the pain of infidelity does not go away, you just learn (and try everyday) to live with it.

"No matter how you fake it, the kids will feel it. Energy never lies.” She adds, “We cannot give what we do not have. So if we are not happy inside, we cannot make them happy. —Bhie, mom of three

Is staying for kids’ sake always the answer?

Kristine, 40, mom of three kids, confesses to one of the biggest mistakes in her life, “Nagkamali ako sa husband ko and I will fight for my family—which I did. I stayed quiet, kapag nag-aaway kami at naaalala niya na ‘yung mga maling ginawa ko. I reassure him whenever I’m at work and I send him photos and updates. We moved to a new place to start anew. I needed to prove to my family I’m worth keeping.”

Ours was a lot of hard work, too, over the years. If there was one thing that I would consider a blessing in disguise, that would be our improved communication skills. Before, in order to keep the harmony, I would just be “okay” even if I was not actually okay with certain things that he said or did. I thought that by keeping the fights at bay, it would keep our relationship smooth sailing. After the affair, I became vocal about the things I didn't like, or when my gut feel is off, or when I disagree with what my husband says. We discovered more about each other, learned to listen more intently, and no longer placed our resentments under the rug just waiting to fester and rot.

When staying for kids’ sake isn’t always the answer

Similar to staying with a partner who has betrayed you, walking away from infidelity is equally difficult. In my case, staying with the person who caused a great deal of pain means I am reminded everyday of the abominable act and I must choose to forgive him and myself everyday.

Leaving is just as tough—you’re walking past tradition, societal expectations, and religious belief systems. It's a decision that says, “I deserve more than deception.” Hence we asked parents from different walks of life who decided to leave their marriages behind to start anew.

"I'm proud of myself that I was able to finally say 'enough is enough' and walk away no matter the time frame." —Miel, mom of two

Anne, 42, mother of two, recalls, “I always wanted to have a happy family but if I stayed with a cheating husband, I wouldn’t be able to raise my kids the way I did. Both of us will never find peace and happiness. My ex-husband was never content; I witnessed everything. I did not give up because of cheating. It broke and consumed me. I needed to heal and stand up for my children. I left because I wanted him to be happy and for me to gain back my self-respect and self love. How can I give it to him if I don’t have it anymore? Sometimes it is better to let go so you can survive.”

RELATED READ: How I Came to Forgive My Husband

Feliz, 47, a flight attendant for more than two decades and mother of two girls, shares her thoughts: “The decision to leave the marriage must take a lot of thinking and consideration. In my case, I left when I felt that I was already losing self respect.” She recalls, “When she (her eldest) was young, she understood right away but there was a part of her that wished for her parent’s reconciliation. But when she matured, she said that she was grateful that me and her dad parted ways but we built a civilized relationship for her sake. Our setup is better instead of growing up in a toxic household.”

Meanwhile, Miel, 38, mother of two boys, fought until she could not fight anymore. “I held on for the sake of what I thought was love back then. I would say he had been cheating with various women since we were dating. And because I “loved” him I wanted to fight for him and our relationship. I fought for 13 years.” In the end, she had to let go. “Looking back I shouldn’t have held on too long and just accepted his actions for what they are. Nonetheless, I’m proud of myself that I was able to finally say “enough is enough” and walk away no matter the time frame.”

There is an immense strength in recognizing when a relationship no longer serves you, and that is the case with Bhie, 38, mother of three kids. “For me, staying together for the sake of the kids was the worst decision I've made in my life. No matter how you fake it, the kids will feel it. Energy never lies.” She adds, “We cannot give what we do not have. So if we are not happy inside, we cannot make them happy.”

Flora Alerre, 56, mother of three adult children and walked away from two failed relationships, says, “Kung wala nang pagmamahal na natitira, siguro dapat nang iwanan lalo na mayroon tayong work at hindi umaasa sa ating asawa. Dapat iwanan ang asawa kung toxic na ang relasyon bilang mag-asawa.”

Caught in the middle: Kids at the core of separation

One of the things that bothered me was the “fear of the future.” Will my kids be okay? Will my kids have abandonment issues? Will my kids find love somewhere else? Will I be enough? Will my love be enough?

In a previous article, a survey revealed that approximately 8 out of 10 kid participants felt that it was better that their parents separated rather than unhappily stayed together. So we talked to adult kids whose parents separated and we asked them, if they're given a chance to turn back time, would they have wanted their parents together or separated? 

Josie Mae, 38, whose parents officially separated when she was already 23, recalls, “Bata pa lang ako aware na ako na si Dad babaero, pero wala naman ako magawa noon kundi umiyak. Pero feeling ko ‘di din kami kayang buhayin noon ni Mama kaya nagtiis siya. Nung may sarili na kaming pera, dun siya nagka-lakas ng loob to finally leave. So for me, if kaya mo itaguyod mag isa and you have the resources, means, and support, go ahead. No looking back.”

Also Read: 8 Tanda Na Toxic Ang Relasyon Ninyong Mag-Asawa At Bakit Hindi Mo Ito Dapat Tiisin

Dy, 38, already living abroad, shares his thoughts, “Una sa lahat, wala naman taong gustong sira ang family. Secondly, paano matatawag na family kung walang respeto, pagmamahal, at pagkalinga? Pangatlo, it’s better to live freely than to stay in a place that’s never been a home.” He adds, “As an adult, who experienced the trauma of a broken family, I am deprived of experiencing the fun and happiness of having both parents who cheer for all of my achievements and back me up during my downfalls. But, being in a broken family can’t define a person's success or failure. It is you who will create your own destiny.”

Whatever floats your boat

There is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to infidelity, separation, and endurance. Some relationships survive the storms, some just clearly don’t. The concept of "staying together for the kids" is often rooted in the belief that children need a stable, two-parent household to thrive. While stability and security are important, one may need to consider if staying in an unhealthy or toxic relationship can do more harm than good to children. Whichever path you choose, always remember to be kind to yourself—it was the best decision you made at the time. No one will ever understand the pain and damage you felt until they've been in your shoes. Another man’s fish can be another man’s poison, so choose wisely.

For those who have stayed and those who have left and are on the path of healing, a wise saying tells us: You may not be able to control the direction of the wind, but you can always adjust your own sails.