When You're Trying To Conceive And Friends Tell You They're Pregnant

"Christmas used to be one of the loneliest holidays for me, the feeling of 'dumadami na ang pamangkin ko, bakit ako wala parin?' Sa office naman, we have this Christmas celebration with all the 'anaks,' parang 1 week before pa lang malungkot na malungkot na ako because I have to pretend na naman na I'm okay lang," Luisa Labastida, 37, opens up to Smart Parenting.  

Luisa, a member of the Smart Parenting Village, a community of more than 108,000 moms and dads, shares, "We waited seven long years to have our firstborn son. During those seven years, it was a monthly heartbreaker to see negative lines: sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na okay lang, ibibigay kung ibibigay, but deep inside nagtatanong ako kung bakit ayaw pang ibigay." 

"News after news about pregnancy was so devastating for me that I couldn't be happy for that person." —Luisa Labastida

She painfully adds, "Kapag may news na may buntis, I have to excuse myself or magha-halfday ako because I can't bear to hear all the 'Congratulations!' at didibdibin ko yun nang ilang araw, at feeling ko napaka-insensitive nila when they know what I'm going through. News after news about pregnancy was so devastating for me that I couldn't be happy for that person. My faith was tested. Ayaw ko na mag-simba and mag-dasal. I need to have a bottle of beer so I can sleep at night."

Luisa is not alone. "Envy of others who achieved pregnancy was frequently reported by women," according to a reproductive biomedicine study. 

Also Read: Pregnant After 20 Rounds Of IVF: The Reality Of Infertility Struggle

Navigating happiness and heartache over someone else's pregnancy

Countless other women like Luisa deal with the mental and emotional struggle of feeling sadness instead of instant happiness for friends and loved ones who share their pregnancy news. Still, this feeling is not very often discussed. 

We're supposed to be giddy and happy and excited for someone who's about to embark on a very wonderful journey of parenthood—but the truth is, a human’s full range of emotions is dynamic and complex. And when you’re trying hard to conceive sometimes it gets you asking, ‘How can I be happy when other people get pregnant, and I am not?’

Also Read: Vern Enciso Says There Is No Right Or Wrong Way To Cope With Infertility

What's worse is that this sadness comes with baggage: guilt and self-reproach. Although no one explicitly says it should come easily, motherhood feels like it should. Also, when you include personal experiences that don’t match social expectations, the weight becomes unbearable, and the easy route out is self-blame.

To add insult to injury, the woman is often blamed for being the root of the problem. (Lest we forget, there are a lot of factors, people!)

"Ayoko uma-attend ng mga birthday parties (lalo na children's party) and reunions kasi for sure may magtatanong sa’kin bakit di pa din nakakabuo, kung baog ba kami, etc. Umiwas din ako mag-FB kasi nagseself-pity ako pag meron akong friends na nag announce ng pregnancy."  —Joanne

This article shows that there are a lot of women who are struggling to conceive and yet, trying to keep a straight face amid pregnancy news around them. This article aims to encourage hopeful parents to recognize their emotions without guilt and to accept that it’s possible (and it's totally okay) to experience both grief and joy at the same time when your friends or loved ones become pregnant.  

Below are real stories of women from the Smart Parenting Village, to assure you that you are not alone in this journey. 

Also Read: Motherhood Is For Me Too, The Woman Trying To Conceive

Real women, real stories

Maggie, 37

“Sa pregnancy journey namin, nabuntis din ‘yung sister ko. Pero ‘yung akin hindi natuloy, sa kanya natuloy. I know dapat happy ako nun pero sobrang inggit ‘yung naramdaman ko. May mga instances na ‘pag medyo may hint na buntis ‘yung ibang friends ko, unfollow ako agad sa Facebook at Instagram (yes, ganyan ako kababaw noon), kasi nakaka-guilty na malungkot sa celebration nila, which is hindi dapat. Tapos, sasabihan ka pa ng iba, ay, kelan ka mabubuntis, naunahan ka na ng kapatid mo (younger sister). One instance, ‘yung manganganak na ‘yung kapatid ko, sumama ako sa paghatid, sinabihan na naman ako ng, ‘Hala, kailan naman ‘yung sayo? Ang bagal n’yo naman gumawa.’ Pag-uwi ng bahay, hindi ko na napigil ‘yung iyak ko.”

Ana, 38

“14 years bago nasundan ang panganay ko. Pero valid po lahat ng na-feel n’yo.. lahat din po ng ganyang emotions napagdaanan ko. 'Bakit si ganito ang bilis mabuntis?' Nung pandemic nga po umiiyak ako kasi ang daming nag-si-buntisan. Nag pa-alaga pa ko sa OB, nagpahilot pa ako. Lahat na ‘ata ng payo ng friends ko, ginawa ko na—yung tipong wag daw agad babangon, tapos mga madaling araw daw dapat nag make-love ni husband.”

Joyce, 38

“Last December 31, 2023, I learned that I was pregnant through positive pregnancy test. I told my husband about it and we were so happy. Then came January 2024, nag-bleeding ako. My husband and I rushed to the ER. Sad to say, I had a miscarriage. It was a blighted ovum. In the same month, our maid told us that she was pregnant. A month later, my sister-in-law became pregnant. I didn't know how to react. I wanted to be happy for them but I felt sad at the same time. Dapat sunod-sunod kami pero nawala agad ‘yung baby ko.”

Mild, 44

“Mixed emotions. Happy ako for them kasi magkakababy na sila. Pero syempre deep inside may halong inggit. Kasi I tried a lot already. By the way, panganay ako sa magkakapatid, magkakasunod kami ikinasal. It took time for them to get pregnant also. Pero ako lang yung nahuli mabuntis. Kaya may halong lungkot nung nalaman ko na magkaka-baby na sila. It took me 12 years to get pregnant.”

Joanne, 42

“It took me 5 yrs before ako nagbuntis because of PCOS. So during those times, ayoko uma-attend ng mga birthday parties (lalo na children's party) and reunions kasi for sure may magtatanong sa’kin bakit di pa din nakakabuo, kung baog ba kami, etc. Umiwas din ako mag FB kasi nagseself-pity ako pag meron akong friends na nag-a-announce ng pregnancy. ‘Pag pupunta ako sa mall, umiiwas ako mapadaan sa children's and maternity sections, lalo kasi akong nade-depress. I thought madali lang magbuntis, na ‘pag ready ka na, yun na, hindi pala. I even resigned from my job baka kako stressed ako sa trabaho kaya ‘di makabuo. Buti na lang maganda support system na nakukuha ko from my family. Sa friends di rin ako nagpapakita kasi lahat sila may kids na, feeling ko napag-iiwanan na ko.”

Gisele, 35

"Last October 2024, I got pregnant but the baby only lasted 6 weeks in my tummy. Now, I usually have this sorrow when I see people who have unplanned children—"Bakit sila ang bilis makabuo kahit na di naman nila gusto?" Laging may kirot when I see a newborn baby and when I see siblings playing together. I feel remorse for feeling bad over the lives of others, out of jealousy of a failed pregnancy.

Jen, 36

"Took me 6 years din bago mabuntis. Dami na rin narinig na hurtful comments. Sobrang inggit ako pag may pregnancy announcements to the point na ayaw ko mag-ninang sa baby ng pinsan ko. Pero naisip ko 'yung binyag is not about me, so tinanggap ko pa rin." 

Maranatha, 38

"It is normal to feel sad and jealous of those who get pregnant while you are waiting. I felt the same too, kapag may mga baby showers noon parang ayaw ko pumunta. 'Pag may mga birthday party, naiwas ako para 'di matanong. Dumating rin sa point na halos lahat na ng friends ko nagka-anak na, ako na lang ang wala so from then on, nag-give up na ako sa pag-hihintay. I talked to God heart-to-heart na bigyan ako ng peace of mind and acceptance."

"With infertility, the loss comes from an absence of something that has never been rather than the absence of something that used to be." -ACA

Pregnancy envy and Infertility: The invisible grief

According to American Counseling Association (ACA), there is a natural decline of fertility with age; the time frame is reduced to six months for women 35 and older. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) notes that about 12% of women between the ages of 15 and 44 have “difficulty getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term.” Infertility can impact both men and women, despite a common misconception that infertility is a woman’s condition. 

ACA explains that, "Infertility can be categorized into one of two subtypes. Primary infertility refers to when a woman has never birthed a child and thus has no biological children. Secondary infertility refers to when a woman experiences the inability to birth a child following the birth of at least one other child. Both forms of infertility produce a cyclical pattern of strong emotion that is often referred to as a roller coaster."

Why is the grief so intense?

"With infertility, the loss comes from an absence of something that has never been rather than the absence of something that used to be," says ACA. 

It clarifies that the stigma surrounding infertility creates an environment of silence and invisibility. Because infertility and its related losses are not physically apparent, others may remain unaware of them unless a woman chooses to share her experience. Many women facing infertility feel a deep sense of failure or self-blame toward their bodies, which can lead to social withdrawal, isolation, and struggles with identity and self-worth: very much like how most women who shared their stories above, felt. This stigma often makes it challenging for women to seek support, leaving many to navigate their journey alone.

A woman's pregnancy envy has become disenfranchised grief.  

Also Read: Trying To Conceive? Try These Free, Easy-To-Use Mobile Apps

"When a woman does talk openly about her infertility, other people may not respond in ways that are validating or compassionate, which may make the situation worse than if she hadn’t disclosed at all. For example, comments such as, “Just relax,” and, “Give it time,” minimize the woman’s pain and invalidate her grief," ACA expounds. 

It's okay to feel both joy and grief

Every infertility journey is unique, and there is no universal solution for helping women and couples navigate the grief associated with infertility. Pregnancy envy is real and even if not a lot of women talk about it because of shame, self-blame, self-pity, or guilt, but it doesn't mean that it does not exist. 

If you are in the season of waiting, know that you are enough and complete, no matter how you feel and no matter what others may think. Without a doubt, you are enough reason to celebrate life. 

Are you also having difficulty to get pregnant again?  Learn more about secondary infertility here.