‘Kailan Niyo Susundan?’ And Other Comments Parents Don’t Want To Hear This Reunion Season

Everyone has made jokes and content of offhand comments used to start small talk in families that no longer sit well with us by now. And we can only hope that it’s well-established: There are better ways to strike up a conversation and express interest in someone’s personal life without being nosy, judgmental, or presumptuous.

Examples include celebrity breakups, new vacation spots, or your recent favorite budol. What it doesn’t include is our postpartum weight, how many kids we’d like to have, and opinions on what we’re doing with our lives.

Before we share the top offhand comments parents in particular do not want to hear during family reunions, here’s a fair warning: Please expect that the gloves come off when it comes to comments about our kids. We may be more patient when someone is passing off judgment about our parenting, but expect nothing less than heat and tension if you want to comment about our kids.

5 top comments parents don’t want to hear during family reunions

1. "Ang taba mo na!"

For parents, moms in particular, this is not something we want to hear because it’s a complicated relationship with our postpartum bodies. First, we grew a baby in our tummy, delivered her, and are most likely nourishing her—our bodies should be allowed to change. We don’t want to normalize rejecting our postpartum bodies because it doesn’t “snap back” into the pre-baby body anymore. After all, if we delivered a baby then it is undeniable that our body has gone through changes. That change brought us new human life, and that is not a feat that should be reduced and glossed over as if it’s not a miracle that it is.

Second, we already know our body has changed. We dress it every day and we are the first to see when we cannot fit into the same clothes we used to. We’re also still learning to love our postpartum bodies and may be the first generation to collectively unlearn disliking our mom-bods because it is not the same as our pre-baby bodies. We already do have moments of displeasure, I promise you, you don’t need to add to it.

Instead try: Find at least one thing you can compliment physically if you insist on talking about outward appearances.

READ ALSO: This Mom Has An Open Letter To Those Who Tell Her, 'Losyang Na, Isa Palang Anak'

2. "Malaki na si baby, kailan mo susundan?"

How do you know they’re not trying to conceive but instead receive a monthly reminder that it hasn’t been successful through mom’s menstrual cycle?

That awkward feeling you just felt is exactly why it’s not okay to say this.

One cannot assume that a couple with a child no longer has challenges conceiving. So unless you wish to change the mood of the person or the room, steer clear of this question.

Here’s another reason: Couples today are more open to deliberately having just one child. Why? Read this story.

Instead try: Ask us to tell you about our kids.

READ ALSO: 'Sana Po Soon': The Painful Journey Of Trying To Get Pregnant With Endometriosis

3. "Puro babae, bigyan mo naman ng junior si daddy."

See: Number 2.

But also, while we understand that raising boys and girls are two different experiences, it’s presumptuous to think parents automatically want both those experiences just because they are only enjoying one right now. What if they are perfectly happy and content raising girls?

This comment also stings when it is said in front of the kids themselves. It can almost feel like a daughter’s existence is not enough for a father (and vice versa). Is a father not fully a father if he has no son?

If you want to strike up a conversation with a single parent, may we suggest you start somewhere in the area of what they're doing great right now?

The same can be said of a family of all boys being egged to “make a girl”—but interestingly, the point of reference is often to dad. So that he has “a sweet daughter”.

Let us know once you’ve found an accessible way for couples to pre-select a baby’s sex before birth before this comment becomes mildly tolerable.

Try instead: Get curious about what it’s like to raise multiple children in this economy.

4. "Paano 'yan, walang tatay ang anak mo..."

Here's another case of, "You think we don't know?" 

If you want to strike up a conversation with a single parent, may we suggest you start somewhere in the area of what they're doing great right now? Comments like this show there is an awareness of the burden of raising a child alone, so it is not difficult to look at the positive achievements of the parent who stayed. 

As single mom Vanessa Gatuz shared in an essay, "Some people only see the man who left not the woman who stayed." 

Whether or not you know the reason the single parent is raising her child alone, remember that all families are unique and may look different from the one you grew up in. But it doesn't make their family less than others. There's enough on a single parent's mind that cannot be shared with a partner, please don't add to it with insensitive words.

Try instead: Praise the single parent or their child.

5. "Ay, hindi pa nagsasalita" or "Ay, ang payat naman! Anong gatas niyan?"

Remember the warning at the beginning of this article? Expect the gloves to come off if you comment on our children.

Children develop at different paces, what worked for your child may not work for others. And in case no one has reminded you, did anyone ask for your recommendation?

We know. Recommendation comes from good intentions. But for millennial parents, recommendations are just a few taps away in our phone. That's what Smart Parenting Village and other online communities are for. So unless you are being asked to share the number of a developmental pediatrician, a therapy center, or a nutritionist, please refrain from offering such details "because you want to help".

Another thing parents would like to stop hearing: Their child being compared to other children.

Try instead: Get to know the child by asking them about their interest.

READ ALSO: Mom Goes on a 'Social Media Diet' to Stop Comparing Herself to Other Moms

Here's what a parent would love during family reunions: talking to our child and respecting that they're people too, even if they're not fully grown adults yet. Kids have their interests, stories, and dislikes. Talk to our kids instead of talking about them. You just might be surprised to learn how much fun it is talking to a child. It sure beats adult small talk that opens with judgy comments.